Eva Marlowe
by ivy-damaris
Summary: Number 12 Grimmauld Place...? She should know the address. Somewhere in the back of her alcohol abused brain she knows this address... Eva Marlowe joins the Order after staying away for fourteen years and finds out the most devestating truth of them all; Sirius Black is innocent... SB/OC, Ch15: "He was your everything. Other people in your life? We were just passing by."
1. Chapter 1

**Sober. Making small talk. Presentable. **_**Check.**_

Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Number 12 Grimmauld Place? _Number 12__Grimmauld Place… _She should know the address. She knows it. Somewhere in the back of her alcohol abused brain she knows this address. She hasn't been here before but she knows it. She has heard it before. Spoken in disgust. In derision. A mocking scoff. So, she is apprehensive. But she is also apprehensive of other things. Mainly, of the Order's members. She has no idea what awaits her at this address. She knows there will be Dumbledore as he was the one who tricked her into coming. As it was custom for him, he showed up unexpectedly when she was at her worst; exhausted, hungover, smelly and still puked on from the last shift and guiled her into coming. At least it was not as bad as the last time he visited her. _(Oh Merlin, the last time..!)_

It was not as if she didn't want to fight against Voldemort. She would just rather do it without interacting with too many people. Or any people at all. It means making small talk, being sober and being presentable enough not to scare small children. After thirty-six hours on her feet. As the house appears from between numbers eleven and thirteen, she glances down upon her muggle jeans and long-sleeved shirt under simple midnight blue robe and shrugs. It is not as if she is looking for romantic prospects.

She reassures herself not many of the original members could be there and then feels guilty for taking comfort in it as the reason they will not be there is because most of them are dead or insane or in pri- _No! She will not think that!_

Dumbledore warned her not to ring a bell so she knocks timidly. _Why the hell would you not be able to ring a bell? Who is going to hear that knock anyway_? It takes a while for anyone to open the door and as her apprehensiveness builds, she really wishes she had that shot of firewhisky she forgone for the sake of being sober at her first Order meeting. When a familiar red-headed woman opens the door she breathes a sigh of relief.

"Molly?" She knows the woman pretty well from her continuous visits to St. Mungo's emergency ward. Fred and George were practically inventory there.

"Healer Marlowe? Albus said to expect a new member."

"Eva, please," she tells the older woman that ushers her into the house through the grim darkened halls _(Are those house-elves heads?) _into the somewhat liveable caller kitchen. She relaxes at the sight of a handful of people, mostly red-heads that she has met in passing and has no painful or gruesome memories of. She says hellos to Arthur and the twins and Molly introduces her to Bill. They make small talk which she is admittedly bad at but makes do. Molly's daughter Ginny wanders into the kitchen, stealing an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter. She is obviously lost in her thoughts as Molly has to call her name three times before she acknowledges her and notices the new addition in the kitchen.

"Honestly, Ginny." The teen apologises and introduces herself to Eva but the permanently worried expression is still etched onto her face. Her eyes seem too old for such a fresh face and her shoulders seem burdened with a heavy weight. Eva recognizes the expression as the one they all used to wear; children fighting a war.

It seems neither woman is much for small talk and they might be left standing in the kitchen awkwardly, searching for something to say if not for the arrival of Nymphadora Tonks. The young, extremely clumsy Auror makes Eva long for a shot of that firewhisky for the first time since she arrived. She can't really put her finger on it butt it is like that address all over again. She should know that name. Even as she is absolutely certain she has never met Tonks before that night. Her mind works furiously even as she jokes around with Tonks and Ginny. They all laugh at Tonks' antics as she changes her appearance rapidly. _Has she seen this woman before? No, one does not forget seeing Nymphadora Tonks. But something about her_… She shakes her head and wishes for a firewhisky and bless her heart (or her mind-reading abilities) Tonks offers to dig out something to drink. At the offered choices she immediately chooses firewhisky. She doesn't care what anyone thinks but she needs just that one to calm her nerves. (Ginny's old eyes are all knowing but others seem to think nothing of it.) A deep sip of the drink settles her even as she wishes they had a different brand. The rich liquid is top shelf but it was always his preferred drink. She finishes the glass off and is instantly poured another. _Oh, well._

She finally remembers to inquire about the house and the terrible décor she had observed on her way through the house_. Oh yes, those are indeed house-elves heads. A row of it._ A phrase stirs something in her brain but she pushes the thought away with a sip.

"The current owner appreciates the irony, though." Tonks tells her. "His crazy pureblooded supremacist of a mother's house used as the headquarters for the illegal fight against the biggest pureblood manic ever." Eva's attempt to find out more is thwarted by the dramatic arrival of a dark-haired man in a billowing robe. As she meets his cold black eyes, her world stops. She knows the night will go only downhill from here on. She wants to grab that bottle by the neck and forgo the glass. He has certainly not been in the original order. Quite the opposite actually. Still, the memories that assault her almost make her stumble. His hateful snarl at James, his sneer at Remus, his fierce desperate duelling stance, trying to blend in; (with Slytherins, Death Eater wannabe's, the wall, something), his jealous glares whenever Lily spent time with anyone but him but also his involuntary smile as Lily laughed freely, her eyes shining, the mass of red hair whipping widely around her- _No! Enough of that!_

"Severus," she manages for she has no idea how long they have been standing there in silence.

"He's the spy for the Order." The words tumble out of Tonks' mouth in a hurry when she realizes they know each other as if she is afraid Eva might start screaming bloody murder at the sight of a Death Eater in the Order's headquarters. It implies previous experience. Snape gives Tonks a murderous glare. Eva lets out a nervous chuckle but sobers immediately. A cold hand grips her stomach. _Is this because of Lily? For her? Could they have had him on their side in the first war too? If they had just given him a chance? If they had just treated him differently? If she had not been that selfish? If she had just encouraged Lily to forgive him? Could one day in her fifth year change everything? Could it have ended differently? Would she still be alive? Could one man change the course of history?_

_Yes. But not this man. Remember Eva?_

She empties another glass that she has no remembrance pouring and tries to push down her memories.

"And our Potions Professor." Ginny pipes in trying to smooth the awkward situation. She at least doesn't receive a burning glare for her effort and Eva welcomes the distraction from her train of thought.

"Really? Well, you were the best Potions student in our days." No use being disagreeable from the start.

"You weren't bad either, Marlowe." Snape finally deigns to acknowledge her.

"A high praise," Ginny whispers into her ear.

"Just good enough to get into Healer training. I didn't have any real passion for it. Not like you and-" She stops just in time. She doesn't want to talk about her. Doesn't even want to think about her. But she was all they ever shared and looking at him, she is all Eva can think about. She hadn't allowed herself to think about her that much in years. "Firewhisky?"

Snape seems to be on the verge of saying no but thinks better of it.

"Why not? This will be a long night."

Making small talk with Severus Snape is her kind of hell. She tries anyway. Talks about her work as she tries not to drown in her guilt for not trying harder and listens about a discovery of a new potion as she tries to chase away Lily's smiling face. As more people start arriving, some she knows like Mad-Eye Moody and some she thankfully doesn't, she asks Ginny to show her to the bathroom. She needs a minute get a hold of herself. She stumbles slightly getting up from the chair. She frowns as she doesn't remember drinking enough to be unsteady on her feet but it probably didn't help, that she hadn't eaten since morning and had just came from a thirty-six-hour shift.

Ginny leads her up the stairs but they do not get much further than the entry hall. Eva is lost in her thoughts so she doesn't notice him until he almost runs them into the ground.

"Whoa! Remus where's the fire? The meeting hasn't started yet, you know. Professor Dumbledore isn't even here yet." Eva's head snaps up even as she has a feeling her world is in slow motion.

"I am so sorry, Ginny. I didn't-"

_Please not him. Just not him. Anyone but him_. Now that she stands in front of him, his startled green eyes boring into her, she realizes it is exactly what she feared the most. She couldn't even consciously put it into words or a concept but now that he was here… Everything she has tried to avoid for fourteen years, all the guilt and the shame comes back with a vengeance. She has abandoned him when he needed her most. She left, not looking back, when she was all he had left. All the excuses she soothed herself with seem feeble_. I just couldn't stay. I was a wreck. I wasn't a human being anymore. I was nothing. I couldn't even look at you. I couldn't look at myself._ How easy it was to just leave. To just push him out of her life and her thoughts. She pushes down the bile rising from her stomach.

"Eva?"

"Hello, Remus." She can hardly breath. A mix of joy and pain is etched onto the lines of his face and she knows exactly what he feels. Joy of seeing an old friend and pain of all the tainted memories it brings with. "I guess I should have known I will see you here."

"Here?"

"At the Order's meeting. Nothing like a little bit of war to bring old friends back together."

He gives her a slight smile and she wants to jump into his arms and cry. Cry, cry, cry until she has nothing left. Cry, cry, cry like she hadn't in more than a decade. She realizes she has missed her friend so much it hurts.

"I missed you." It is not fair to him but she suddenly has to tell him. It is the only thing she can say. Remus swallows a lump in his throat.

"I missed you too." He takes a step towards her as if to hug her when he suddenly stops in his tracks, his eyes shining with a terrible realization and guilt. "Oh, Merlin. You don't know, do you?"

She fells a chill go down her spine at his horrified expression. _What else so horrible could possibly happen that hadn't already?_

Remus doesn't tell her as they are interrupted from above.

"Remus? Is that you?" The owner of the voice, a black-haired teenager, doesn't wait for the man to answer before hurrying down the stairs with a bushy-haired girl and one of the Weasley boys at his heals. "We haven't seen you here for awhile. I guess that means an Order meeting tonight. Anything new?"

"James?" She knows it is not him. She knows it. But the resemblance is uncanny and for a moment there she is lost. She sees him standing there beside Remus, two friends looking at her like it is twenty years prior. She wants to drown into the memory.

"Eva?" Ginny's worried voice wakes her up from her trance and she realizes she is holding her elbow as if to steady her. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Yeah."

"That's not-"

"I know. I know. I'm sorry."

She meets the boy's eyes and it finally sinks. Lily's eyes. Her beautiful emeralds watching curiously from James Potter's face.

"Eva, that's Harry," Remus speaks carefully as if afraid she might crack. She tries to pull herself together.

"Hello, Harry. My name's Eva. Eva Marlowe."

"You knew my parents." Right for the jugular. Classic Lily Evans. She gives him a watery smile. Again, all she wants to do is cry in despair. How she had failed that boy. Failed him and failed Lily. Didn't take care of him. Didn't protect him. Didn't see him grow up. Her only comfort is he was better off without her.

"Yes. Your mom was my best friend." Even through her own pain she can see how the boy's eyes sparkle hungrily at the mere mention of his mother.

"Are you an Order member? Will you be coming around often? Will you tell me about her?" It is the last thing she wants to do but she cannot deny him this.

"If you want to, of course. And you could, if you want that is, tell me about yourself?" She suddenly wants to know everything about him. She wants to know what her friends' son turned out to be like. What kind of person is he.

Harry bites his lip uncertainly but nods anyway. She can't stop looking at him. _So many years lost._

_She forgot. She can't believe she forgot. How could she forget that she loved that boy? She loved Lily's son with all her heart. How could she have had just pushed that out of her mind with everything else?_

Her unsteady legs are shaking and she can feel the walls closing in on her. She needs to get out of there. She had already wronged them, Harry and Remus, in so many ways, she doesn't want to give them more trouble.

"Eva? Are you sure you are okay?" Remus always was way too perceptive. "You look really pale."

Ginny tightens the grip on her elbow and Eva tries to focus on the feel her hand.

"I'm fine, Remus. That's my natural colour these days. I spend most of my days under neon lights." Remus doesn't look convinced but doesn't push either.

Eva tries to follow the conversation as she is introduced to Harry's friends. She exchanges a few words with all the teens but is not really capable of a deeper conversation at the moment. They all protest as Remus tries to usher them away from the kitchen, up the stairs as the meeting is about to start. Harry seems at the edge of a blowout judging from anger in his eyes. She knows the signs of a budding explosion. She was Lily Evans's friend for years. But it didn't come to it. At least not then as they were once again interrupted.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in." A mocking voice from the stairs stops all the fighting and Eva's blood turns cold. _It couldn't be. It couldn't. But it was. She would know that voice anywhere. She recognized it even after fourteen years._ _How? How is that possible?_ She wonders if she has finally lost it. She stares at the wall hoping against hope it will all go away. "The wicked witch of the west."

His steps echo ominously as he lazily descends the stairs to the entry hall until he is directly in front of her and she is forced to raise her eyes to his. She is not prepared for this. Not prepared for the mix of affection, nostalgia, hatred and betrayal that consume her all at once. And guilt for the bittersweet memories that dare to surface in her mind. Not prepared to see his sunken hunted eyes or his unhealthy pale complexion. The stark contrast between the handsome boy she once knew and this shell of a human being shakes her to the core. Gone is the playful smile, in its place she gets an accusing glare of betrayal. His nostrils flare angrily as he turns away from her as if he can't even look at her.

She goes from this heart-breaking inspection of him to remembering what he did. She unconsciously rubs her palm over her chest to ease the pain that she never could get rid of. And never will. And then... Something is not right, she realizes. No one is screaming, no one is surprised at his presence. She glances at Remus and is once again faced with his guilty devastated face and she knows. _She knows. _But still she doesn't want to believe it.

"Remus?" With one word she pleads, she begs, she needs it not to be true.

"I'm sorry, Eva."

"No. No, no, no, no. Remus, please." Her lips are trembling so hard; she can hardly get the words out of her mouth.

"You don't have to worry. Sirius is innocent." Ron tries to comfort her but only manages to get a dry broken sob for his efforts.

Eva wrenches herself away from Ginny towards Remus. She grabs the labels of his worn coat in a tight grip and shakes him like she can make him change the history.

"Remus, please say it isn't true. Say it isn't true. Please. Please. Please."

But all Remus does is look at her with pity. Pity and understanding. For they will share this burden for the rest of their lives.

"Sirius? What is going on?" Harry doesn't understand what is happening.

"Don't worry Harry. Just not all reunions are happy ones." There is pure acid in his voice. Meant for her. Of course meant for her. And she deserves it. She deserves all the hatred he has for her. She can't look at him.

"Wasted… all those years… wasted… how could… how could I … please… please…my memories… all tainted…my Lily… disappointed… so disappointed…"

Remus tries to shush her ramblings, comfort her, hug her and shield her from the increasing number of people now in the entry hall.

"Eva, calm down. Why don't we sit down and-"

"No!"

She pushes away from him. She is not totally in control of herself. Her eyes are wide and glazed over as she is standing in a circle of faces. She can't breathe. A black fog is descending upon her from the edges of her vision. She needs to get away. She moves backwards like a haunted animal until she hits a wall. But even there she finds no respite. The painting behind her suddenly comes alive and starts screaming obscenities. Eva stumbles away hastily, trips over her own feet but is spared from tumbling face down onto the floor by hands on either side of her.

She recognizes the horrible screaming woman in the painting and suddenly knows where she is. All the pieces suddenly fall into place. The address, Tonks, the portrait.

"Number 12 Grimmauld Place." Her voice is only a breathless whisper.

It seems the woman in the portrait recognizes her too as the stream of general insults stops suddenly.

"YOU! BLOOD TRAITOR WHORE! YOU SCUM! You ruined them both! YOU KILLED THEM BOTH! MURDERER! BITCH! You took them both away from me. YOU KILLED THEM! WHORE! YOU KILLED THEM BOTH!"

It is like somebody poured ice water all over her. Because she is right. She ruined them both. She can't listen to this anymore. She shakes her head and looks around at all the faces in the entry hall, looking for something to latch on. But all she finds is hatred, confusion and pity. Finally, her desperate gaze lands on the face closest to her. Harry Potter is half holding her upright with Severus Snape of all people holding her other arm but she is not aware of any of this. She finds her friend in the deep green of his eyes.

"Lily. Lily, please no more. No more. I can't take no more." Her heart-breaking wail is at last silenced as something is poured down her throat and the edges that have been threatening to close in on her finally embrace her into darkness.


	2. Drugged out of her mind

Drugged out of her mind

After Snape pours a vial of what is presumably a Calming Draught down Eva Marlowe's throat and she unexpectedly drops down into a faint so he is forced to catch her in his arms or leave her to tumble to the floor as Potter is of course of no use, the room is frozen for a single moment before all hell breaks loose.

"What in the blazes is going on?"

"Who is that woman?"

"What the hell, Sirius?"

"Did you have to do that?"

"What did you do to her, Snape?"

"Somebody get that hag to shut up!"

"What is wrong with her?"

Everybody finally stops yelling with the arrival of Albus Dumbledore who only looks at Eva with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, dear. It seems I am too late."

Snape rolls his eyes at the headmaster's theatrical antics, Ginny eyes him suspiciously and Remus calls him out on his bullshit directly.

"Don't play me for a fool, Albus. You could have warned her. She came in here totally clueless. She had no idea what she was getting herself in coming into this house. She was ambushed."

Not denying anything, Albus Dumbledore bows his head.

"You are quite right, Remus. I admit I postponed telling her anything for fear of driving her away for good."

Remus deflates immediately. He is not angry at Dumbledore. He just feels guilty.

"We should have told her last year. How could I have forgotten about her?"

Dumbledore shakes his head.

"It wasn't time yet." And he was afraid of her reaction. She had finally seemed to have her life in some semblance of order and he didn't want to disrupt it. Not after the last time he'd seen her. Oh, the last time…

Severus Snape clears his throat as everybody seems to have forgotten about an unconscious woman sagging from his arms.

"Is anybody going to help getting her to the couch or should I just drop her to the floor?" To his annoyance the first ones to react are Potter and his friends. Of-bloody-course. Hi sighs but with their help moves her over to the couch and drops her unceremoniously. Frowning he checks her pupils. Out cold. Tonks comes over to stand by him frowning too.

"What did you give her? A sleeping potion? I have never seen anybody drop that fast."

"No, it was just a Calming Draught. It was not even supposed to knock her out."

"She was on the verge of fainting even before that, Professor." Ginny Weasley takes initiative and approaches her Potions Professor. She is good enough a potions student for her to not be scoffed at and called a dunderhead. "Not to mention she emptied half a bottle of Sirius' best firewhisky on top of working a thirty-six hour shift and obviously being under a lot of stress since she entered this house."

Snape nods. It makes sense.

"Yes. She is bound to sleep for a few hours then."

"Let's leave her to rest then. We should proceed with the meeting. I will fill her in some other day." Dumbledore ushers the adults to the kitchen and lets the teenagers to watch over Eva.

* * *

Eva Marlowe was no stranger to rough wake ups. She had acquired a whole assortment of them in the last two decades and this one was right up there with sniffing a few lines of coke and washing it down with a mix of peach schnapps and Pepper-up potion. That had been a disaster she hadn't attempted a second time after waking up in some stranger's place with a terrible headache, sick, dizzy, confused, wishing for a quick death, crumbled between a very dirty wall and an even dirtier toilet having no idea how she got there. That had been almost a decade ago when she was still trying to actively self-destruct on daily basis. In the last few years she had toned down on the various substances, rather burying herself in work and only letting loose every once in a while when she had too much time on her hands and wanted to escape from her own head.

Thus, she is confused by her swimming vision and failure to recognize her surroundings or remember how she came to be laying on someone's couch. (Well, at least it wasn't bathroom's floor.) She can't even remember going out. _What was the last thing she did? Where did she go? Didn't she work late the day before?_

It takes an enormous effort lifting her head even an inch. She tries to take in what she sees but her vision blurs and a bile rises up her oesophagus. She puts her head back down, closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. The musty smell doesn't help much. She hears rustling and a whispered conversation and feels someone moving towards her. After she is fairly certain whoever approached her is not about to be showered in vomit, she cautiously opens her eyes fearing the worst. A kind worried face with a halo of red hair is not what she is usually faced with in those kind of situations.

"Eva? How are you feeling?"

She looks on at the girl in complete confusion, digging through her brain for something to click. She feels high as a kite.

"Eva?"

"What…? Where am I?" Her voice is scratchy like she hadn't used it for some time.

"At the headquarters of the Order of the Pheonix. Remember?" The girl speaks carefully as if she is a frightened animal and she doesn't want to startle her.

_Order of the Phoenix? What? Dumbledore. Right. Was that today? _Slowly it starts coming back to her. She was tired and anxious coming here. And then the strange house. Molly. The twins. Ginny.

"Ginny?"

"Yes."

"Right, right." She remembers drinking some firewhisky. _Is that enough to knock her out these days?_ She must be getting old. "What happened?"

Ginny looks uncomfortable and exchanges a glance with someone Eva can't see.

"Well… You got really upset. Professor Snape gave you a Calming Draught and it knocked you right out. It probably doesn't mix well with alcohol." It really doesn't, Eva can guarantee it first-hand.

"Snape?"

Then, suddenly, something clicks. _Snape?_ Snape and his accusing eyes boring into her. Her breathing quickens as she tries in vain to get up from the couch. But she is too weak and her brain is still clouded from the potion.

"Calm down, Eva. Just lie back down." Ginny tries to calm her but Eva can't really hear her. Nor does she hear as Ginny tells her friends to go get somebody.

"Marlowe?" She is only brought back from her thoughts by Severus Snape hovering above her. "Calm yourself."

"I'm sorry." She slurs, the saliva gathering in her mouth that doesn't seem to cooperate with her brain. Snape frowns at her confusedly but placates her anyway.

"It is alright. Now, how do you feel?"

"I am so sorry." In hindsight, she knows she would never had said anything. Especially not then in a house full of people he despises. But she is drugged out of her mind and the only thing she can focus on is her own guilt. "I'm so sorry. So sorry, so sorry, so sorry. I should have done better. But I was so selfish. I wanted her for myself. And then I finally had her for myself. She was mine. My friend. My best friend. Only mine."

She babbles uncontrollably, the words flying out of her mouth in no particular order. She can't see the adults' uncomfortable glances or the teenagers' curious ones.

"And I failed her. I failed her. You wouldn't have. If she just had you! You wouldn't have let her die! I should have convinced her. I should have insisted! I was selfish. Oh, my Lily. My Lily."

She is finally forced to stop talking when another potion is forced down her throat by an irate Snape and she slacks into the couch, her limbs heavy and her mind in a fog. Time passes or maybe it doesn't but she has no idea.

"Well, at least this one didn't knock her out." Dazedly Eva slowly turns her head towards the woman speaking and is met with bright pink hair. She smiles lazily and beckons the woman to come closer. Tonks kneels at her side and Eva raises her heavy hand to caress her face.

"I should have recognized you before." Tonks frowns confusedly.

"I don't think we've met before." Eva just continues to smile like a lunatic and runs her hand all over the younger woman's face.

"You can change however you want but those you can't hide." She runs her finger over her cheek. "Those cheekbones. The Black family trait. I would know. I spent enough time looking at them." This gets a smile out of Tonks.

"My best feature. I get it from my mother."

"Your mother?"

"Andromeda." Eva smiles again.

"Sirius's favourite cousin. Regulus' too." Her face clouds as she remembers something through her haze. Her sudden sorrow shows clearly. "I killed him. She was right. I killed him. I told him he was useless. And then he was dead. I killed him!"

Even before she can begin to hyperventilate, once again she has a mouth full of potion. The conversation already forgotten she looks on as if from out of her own body as the room spins, the faces bob in and out of focus and conversations arise around the room. Time lapses. _How much time has passed? Seconds? Minutes? Hours?_

"Severus, is it really wise to give her more Calming Draught. She doesn't seem to respond well to it?" Eva has no idea that the conversation is about her, can't even distinguish the words one from another. Everything is a blur and she is swimming in it, her senses mixing together in a weird blend.

"You calm her down then, Lupin, if you're so smart."

"I am not saying-" Eva finally finds some focus through the mix of colours and sounds.

"Remus?"

"Eva. It's alright. You are safe."

"I am always safe with you," she slurs. Remus snorts at this but sits down at her side and smooths down her hair.

"I think all those potions are messing with your memory." Well, that is an understatement of the century. She can't even remember what she said two minutes previously.

"Are not. I always felt safe with you. I always trusted you. Always, always." The mood quickly turns sombre which is no wonder as her carefully constructed defences are absolutely fried. Remus smiles sadly.

"I know. It's ok, Eva."

"It's not okay. Not okay at all. You were always good to me and I was a bad friend. A bad person. I- I abandoned you. I didn't even say goodbye. I didn't-" Her voice breaks in agony as Remus keeps on stroking her hair. There are no words to console her anyway. And as much as Remus wants to assure her he doesn't blame her, a small part of him does feel resentful. He himself is not without blame; it is not as if he went looking for her. He knows perfectly well it was easier to just forget about the friends that were left behind, way easier than look at them every day and remember.

"What is done is done, Eva. Just rest now. Close your eyes and rest." He tries to get her to calm down on her own because Remus knows their only other option are potions.

It is tempting to just let go but there is something nagging at the back of her rattled mind. _What did she forget? _Again she is vaguely aware time has passed_. _

There is movement behind Remus and with trouble she turns her eyes and tries to focus. She is transported back in time or really isn't even aware what decade it is.

"Jamie? Can I see it again? Come on. Please?" James looks uncomfortable and James Potter was so rarely uncomfortable. "No, no. You're not James. You're Harry. Harry." She nods exaggeratedly to herself and then frowns confusedly. "But… Harry is only a baby. Isn't he?"

Eva turns her glazed dilated pupils towards the man standing beside James/Harry. He presses his lips together, his face a mix of pity and hatred and she remembers.

"James is dead." She says this matter of factly. And from this on it all starts coming back to her. _What she had forgotten. What her mind had been shielding her from_.

_Sirius. Azkaban. Innocent. Innocent. Innocent._

The Calming Drought seems to lose all its potency in that second. Her breath quickens and her whole body shakes.

"Calm down, Eva." She can hear Remus' voice somewhere in the distance but his words don't reach her. She can only focus on Sirius' sallow skin and his haunted eyes.

"Severus!" Somewhere above or beyond her Tonks snaps at Snape as he reaches to dose her once again. "That's enough!" Severus sends her a death glare but relents. For now. But Eva is not aware of any of that.

_What did she do? How could she? How could this happen? How? How? How? _

"How?" It is only one word but they all seem to know what she wants to know. Remus contemplates postponing the explanation and trying to calm her down once again but figures they have to tell her something. She deserves it anyway. He should had told her before. It's not Remus that answers her but Harry.

"It was Peter Pettigrew. He betrayed my parents." She opens her lips a few times before finally saying anything.

"Peter is dead."

"He is not. He faked his own death and framed Sirius for his murder." She can't grasp his words. Probably couldn't even if she _wasn't _under the heavy influence. She looks at Remus for denial or confirmation. Remus nods but Eva shakes her head in denial.

"He was the Potters' Secret Keeper. He betrayed them to Voldemort."

"But… But… He was so… He was Peter… We did crosswords together. I- I helped him with potions essays. Lily- Lily tutored him through seven years of charms. He would still be in Flitwick's class if it wasn't for her!"

"And that was our downfall. Underestimating him." Sirius' bitter remark at last hits her in the heart_. _

_It was Peter. It wasn't Sirius that killed her friends. It was Peter. It was Peter. It wasn't Sirius. And it was so easy for her to believe it too. Never doubting. Never asking for his explanation. If only she confronted him… Why was it so easy to believe it? Why didn't she question it? How could she? Lily would be horrified. She would be so disappointed. Lily would never believe it. Lily would overcome her own pain and go see him. She would never be this selfish._

She doesn't notice when she starts to hyperventilate. Once again Remus is at her side, comforting her.

"You didn't know. None of us did. We couldn't know. No one could. We just found out last year." His words really offer her no comfort.

Suddenly snippets of a conversation from a long time ago come back to her. A conversation she was barely present for, drunk to the point of catalepsy, sick with grief and angry. So, so angry.

"_I don't think he did it... you have to listen to me… we haven't been on the best of terms for a long time… but I can't believe it… I heard things… listen to me… stop being a drunk for one second… we have to do something..." _They are just words from a long time ago, that she has almost entirely forgotten about. Try as she might she can never forget what her slurred answer was. _"You want to do something? You haven't done anything in your entire live. All you do is talk, talk, talk. Talk about hating Voldemort. Talk about leaving the Death Eaters. Talk about doing the right thing. Talk, talk, talk. You are useless!"_ It was the last thing she ever said to him as he was dead a week later.

"But he knew. He knew. And I didn't listen. I didn't listen! I killed him. She was right. I killed them both!"

Harry Potter watches on in fascinated horror as his mother's former best friend's agony is halted by another of Snape's potions. Sleeping potion finally knocks her out and this time nobody protests. Glancing at a still aloof and angry Sirius, Harry's curiosity is peaked. He has been present at Sirius' and Remus' reunion. It took Sirius less than a second to forgive his old friend. Yet, he could hardly spare a sympathetic glance for a woman clearly in anguish. Harry has just met her and he could hardly have listened to her wails. Funny, though, how a person could be in so much pain but not drop a single tear.

* * *

The next time she wakes up, she knows a lot of time has passed. She feels rested and free of all substances. The room she is in is bathed in sunlight. Her limbs are heavy but after a few moments of confusion her mind seems clearer. She is aware of her body and she has some idea of where she is. She remembers coming for the Order's meeting, remembers meeting people, strangers and old friends. It gets very vague after that. There are fragments she remembers (Snape, Tonks, Remus, Peter, _oh god, was that real_?) but doesn't really understand how she came to be lying on the couch with everyone looking down on her. _Did she really drink that much? Oh, somebody kept feeding her Calming drought._

She considers running away. Just getting up, finding her shoes and fleeing. To Antarctica. The thought is so damn appealing. Let somebody else deal with all this shit. _Yeah? Who is that going to be, hm, Eva? Harry Potter? _The thought sobers her and she sighs heavily. _No more running for you, Marlowe._

She can hear the door to her room open and considers feigning sleep. _What did I just say, Marlowe? No running. _She breathes a sigh of relief seeing Ginny entering with some tea.

"Oh. You're awake. Good. I brought you some tea." Ginny seems weary of her and Eva shudders at the spectacle she has caused the previous day. She sits up and tries to smile to reassure the teen she is not about to fly into a hysteric fit. She has never been one for hysteria and melodrama. She usually has a tight reign over her emotions. She can't remember the last time she cried.

The girls chat for a while about easy things like school and work. Just as Eva is about to get up and brave the way out of this cursed house, they are interrupted by a knock on the door. Harry doesn't wait to be invited to enter, mainly because the last five times he come knocking, he got no answer. His eyes widen at the sight of her.

"Oh. You're awake."

"Yes. I was just about to leave. I have already overstayed my welcome."

"You don't have to go yet. Maybe you should rest some more. You really didn't look that well yesterday" Harry seems worried, probably for Eva's mental health. Ginny nods along. Eva cringes.

"What happened yesterday? And how long have I been asleep?" Harry and Ginny exchange glances and decide to answer the easy one.

"You've slept for fourteen hours. It's nearly noon."

"What? Merlin…" She really is getting old.

"You were tired," Ginny soothes. "And all those potions would knock out a fully grown hipogrif."

Right. Potions. She has downed so many potions in her life she needs a triple dose of everything to take effect.

"Really, what exactly happened yesterday?" She needs to know. There is no way around it and she would rather hear it from those two then had it thrown in her face by Sirius. She knew his vicious streak well.

After another anxious glance between them they reach an unspoken agreement.

"Well, what do you remember?" Ginny asks carefully. Eva tries to pull it all together in her head.

"I came a bit early. Knocked. Met Molly. Then your dad and your brothers and you and Tonks- She is Sirius' cousin isn't she?" Harry and Ginny nod. "Didn't realize it then. Couldn't put my finger on it but something bothered me. Like that address… Anyway then came Snape and it all went downhill from there." Harry mumbles something under his breath. "Sorry?"

"I said it usually does when he is involved." That gets a startled laugh out of Eva.

"That's what your dad used to say." They smile at each other and Eva feels something change. She swallows down a lump in her throat and continues. "We drank some firewhisky. I probably should have eaten something before that. Then we went upstairs, met Remus, then Harry and his friends and then… Sirius came down stairs and I couldn't understand. And then… Mrs Black… That horrible woman. She was almost as bad when she was alive. Then it all gets kind of blurry… Severus gave me some kind of potion?"

Harry nods in confirmation.

"You were really freaking out so Snape simply forced a potion in your mouth. And you fainted on the spot right into Snape's arms."

"I have never fainted in my life!" Eva's indignant exclamation startles Harry and gets an amused chuckle out of Ginny.

"Okay, then you were knocked out by a Calming Drought. That better?" Ginny teases her. Eva is not amused.

"Whatever. Continue."

"After that you slept for about two hours while Dumbledore arrived and they proceeded with the meeting and we watched over you." Harry's voice is bitter and she remembers his fight with Remus from the previous day and his anger at being excluded. She needs more information before she can say anything but now is not the time. "The meeting was almost over when you woke up, Snape came and keep dosing you with potions until you were turning your eyes into your head and foaming at the mouth. After you fell back to sleep we moved you to this room."

Eva frowns because she knows for a fact this was not all, she could remember parts of conversations.

"Thank you for sparing me guys but I really need more than that. I do remember some things. I'm just not sure what is real and what is a figment of my imagination. About Peter… Was that real?"

They look uncomfortable but nod anyway. Eva pushes down all the emotions threatening to surface. _Later._

"He was the Secret Keeper? He faked his own death?" Another nod. "How did you all find out?" Eva listens in horror and fascination about the adventures of Harry's third year in Hogwarts. The story is bittersweet but Eva is fascinated with the way Harry's eyes light up as he talks about his friends and quidditch and invisibility cloak and the Marauders'Map and Remus, Hagrid, Malfoy, time turners, Hippogrif and Sirius.

"If only Pettigrew didn't escape." Harry angrily punches the side of the bed making both girls jump in surprise. "Then Sirius would be free and I could move in with him." _He loves him._ he hasn't known him that long but Eva realises Harry loves his godfather. It has been a long time since she had such trouble swallowing her tears.

"I wouldn't have to go back to the Dursleys ever again." Eva frowns at this.

"Oh, Harry. Just because you met Sirius doesn't mean you shouldn't ever go back to your relatives. They had been your family for fourteen years. You shouldn't just abandon them like this."

"They wouldn't care." Harry says this as if it is final but Eva is very confused. She knows teenagers can be sullen and resentful but what could they have possibly done to him to make him think they wouldn't care and to want to simply move in with a convicted felon. Even if he was innocent. She wants to inquire further but Harry cuts her off. "Anyway since Pettigrew escaped, Sirius has to hide out here in his parents' house. He hates it."

"I know." They are all quiet for some time before Eva remembers she still doesn't know all that happened. "What else did I say?" Ginny and Harry look like they really hoped she had forgotten about them. Ginny takes over anyway.

"You rambled a lot. Mostly it was all a jumbled mess about Hogwarts and Harry's parents, Sirius, Remus, Peter, even Snape, your patients, potions, Dumbledore and so on. You kept saying sorry to Snape. He seemed like he wanted to kill you for it"

Eva vaguely remembers apologising to Snape. _Did she mention something about Lily? Merlin, no wonder he wanted to kill her. What was she thinking?! _Not much. Or rather, too much. And with her emotional walls lowered, everything seemed to come out_. She was never going to live this down._

"Professor McGonagall came to see you before she left. That was really funny." Harry and Ginny both laugh.

"_I lied to you, professor," she declared solemnly. McGonagall only raised her eyebrows at this. "My essay on human transfiguration? It didn't get eaten by a dog. Sirius spilled firewhisky on it and then tried to lick it off. Waste not want not, you know. But it was beyond recognition." Then she frowned thoughtfully. "Then again, maybe it did get eaten by a dog." She thought really hard on it. "You should give him detention."_

"And McGonagall said very seriously: _"I most certainly will."_ It was hilarious."

Eva groans in mortification but it seems the teenagers are not done yet, now that they are on a roll.

"Poor Remus kept on comforting you but when you told him you ate all his chocolates I thought he might strangle you."

"_I was the one that ate all your special Belgian pralines. They were just sitting there on the table, all yummy and I just wanted one. And it was so good and creamy. And then I thought what is one more. And one more. And then the box was empty so I packed it back up and tied a ribbon on it and left it on James' armchair. And I let you think it was the boys that did it. But it was me." Everybody kept snickering as Remus gritted his teeth at a pair of innocent brown eyes staring at him._

Eva remembers none of that. It seems the only things sticking with her were the ones that were overwrought with emotion. Apologising to Snape, recognizing Tonks, Peter, talking to Remus, James, _No_ _Harry_.

"I thought you were your dad again, didn't I ? I am very sorry, Harry."

"No, no, you were very confused. It's alright. And you basically knew who I was. You kept talking to yourself, answering all the questions on your own."

"So, is that all? Mostly? I don't need a word for word script. Just the main points." The teenagers shuffle awkwardly, looking anywhere but at her and she knows she is still missing something. She tries to remember but comes up empty.

"Mostly." Harry nods at her, still not looking her in the eye. His face is as red as a lobster. Eva stares at them in anxious anticipation not saying anything. _Does she want to hear that? _Ginny, obviously the bolder of the two in emotional matters, sighs half in resignation and half in exasperation.

"Ok, listen carefully because I am only going to say this once. At one point you came out of your droopiness, looked directly at Sirius and said and I quote: _*I don't know why you bother with her when we both know I give better head_.*"


	3. A bitter taste of the past

**A bitter taste of the past**

Closing the door of her flat behind her she breathes a sigh of relief. She can finally relax. She can cry in peace. She can tear up the place in anger. She can break down. She can down a bottle of frewhisky. She can throw herself over the balcony.

She does neither of those things. Doesn't even go for a single shot of firewhisky. _That's a new one._ Instead she paces. She paces her apartment for hours. Then cleans frantically, scrubbing away like her life depends on it. _Not even Lily could call her a slob_. After that she bakes. Bakes hundreds of cookies until they threaten to bury her underneath. Still feeling restless she does a workout (she hadn't done that since… ever?) and only after a long shower gets into her bed. She lies on her back, eyes wide open, her head a whirring mess of thoughts.

_Peter? Poor little chubby boy? That Peter? Peter that snuck her a plate of her favourite biscuits into the Infirmary when she broke her ankle? Peter that struggled through most of his Hogwarts classes? Peter that spent hours with Lily trying to learn a simple levitation charm. Oh, the patience that that girl possessed? And he betrayed her? The kindest person in the world? And a boy that was his best friend? And he let a one year old baby to die? Faked his own death? And Sirius… Oh, Sirius in that hell for twelve years. How didn't she know? Why didn't she doubt? Remus, abandoned by everyone. Harry with his muggle relatives. What did he say? They wouldn't care. But still he was better off_ _away from her. He was safe. Wasn't he? Dumbledore said… And Petunia loved babies… She saw once… How did Tonks come to be against Voldemort? What was Snape doing there? Lily was right. He was good. And I disappointed her. And Peter… How could a friend turn on another friend like this? _And on it went round and round in her brain. Another friend to grieve even if she gained one back. One that hated her. And he had every right to do so.

A good cry would do her good, she knows that. But she is reluctant to relinquish the tight grip she has on her emotions and not a single tear escapes her eyes anyway.

After two hours of turning and twisting in her bed, broken by frequent bathroom brakes, she throws off her blanket in frustration and resumes pacing until it is time to go to work (with a bag of cookies in tow). Around midday, half dead on her feet, she knows she needs to talk to someone (Dumbledore or Remus) to clear things up before she drives herself nuts. As if Dumbledore knew this (and he probably did) she gets an invitation to another Order's meeting for the next day.

That night she drinks a few glasses of wine (something light) and sleeps like the dead, which is luck as going to another meeting deprived of sleep might just result in _another_ disaster.

The second time around waiting for someone to acknowledge her knock on the front door of Number 12 Grimmauld Place is even more nerve-wrecking then the first time. This evening it is Remus that opens the door and Eva resignedly realises it is no easier to look him in the eye that it was two days ago. He looks surprised to see her there.

"Eva? You came back." She can't really blame him for his apparent astonishment. She had after all been in the wind for the last fourteen years and then after seeing him again, snuck out of the house (with Harry and Ginny's help) like a coward she is. She smiles bitterly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"It's alright, Remus. You went by previous experience."

"Eva…"

"Isn't the meeting about to start? We can talk later." She pushes a basket of cookies into his arms and invites herself in.

* * *

The meeting is more emotional then she expected. She anticipated sitting quietly for an hour or so while trying to figure out what is going on by herself and catching up to the current affairs. She planned on accosting Dumbledore or Remus after the meeting ended to catch her up to speed and bring to light some of the more complicated matters.

The headmaster had other plans though. It seemed that the particular meeting was called specifically to get _her_ up to speed with the events of the last fourteen years. It lasted a gruelling four hours and it consisted of Dumbledore and Remus filling her in (on the events leading up to Potters' deaths, on Peter's betrayal, on Sirius' innocence, on how it all came to light, on the Order's previous actions and its renewed assembly and to some extent even on to Harry's Hogwarts years as it all came to be tied down with it), Moody, Tonks and to a lesser extent even Snape jumping in occasionally and Sirius sneering at her hatefully. Sirius has as of yet speak to her beyond the very "warm" welcome she received on the previous visit. Not that she has tried either.

Anyway, it was exhausting and emotionally draining. She feels empty after it.

Declining Molly's invitation to dinner she gets up slowly like in a dream with plans of escaping to her comfy bed or to a shifty pub. She hasn't decided yet. Harry Potter has other plans. He waits for her in the entry hall and upon seeing her starts with no prelude.

"Can you tell me about my mom?" Eva sighs heavily. She had promised him but doesn't think she can do it then.

"Harry, right now-" She is interrupted by his enraged bellowing.

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER! YOU ARE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS! Nobody wants to talk about my mom! She was my mother. MINE! I DESERVE TO KNOW!"

"Harry-"

"NO! You are all dancing around the subject like she is something forbidden. And I don't know anything about her! IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU GOT TO KNOW HER! YOU WERE LUCKY ENOUGH! I didn't have any time with her. It's not fair."

From the corner of the eye she can spy a variety of ashamed faces and it gives her a lot of insight. It is not just an emotional teenager's overactive imagination, none of them is comfortable bringing back memories of Lily Potter, not Sirius or Remus, or Dumbledore himself and much less Severus Snape. She shares their reluctance; Lily was a beacon of light in all of their lives after all and it hurts so much to know she will never see her again. It is easier to just push her out of her mind. _But not even for Harry? Her son? _

The kid is about to cry tears of helpless rage when instinct takes over. Eva grips his shoulders tightly and looks him dead in the eye.

"Harry. Listen to me. Your mama was the best person I ever knew. When I met her I was only an eleven-year-old _shell_ of a person. By that time, I had already seen too much and lost even more. I cared for nothing and nobody and she brought light back into my very soul. I loved her dearly and her death has been one of the hardest things that I ever lived through. So, you are right; it is hard for me to talk about her. But you, Harry, you are her son and therefore the person she loved the most in this world. So, I will tell you anything you want to know, Harry. I did promise you, didn't I?"

The teen nods numbly and she can see Sirius halt his advance towards his godson and watch the averting crisis from a few feet away.

"But Harry, I just listened to the most gruesome history lesson that I still hadn't come to terms to. I need some time to process. Would it be okay if I came back some other day?"

Harry nods, his eyes downcast, his face colouring in embarrassment and despite James Potter's face staring at her, Eva is deeply reminded of Lily Evans.

"Let me just say this; undoubtedly you have your mom's temper. That girl could fly off the handle at the drop of a hat." Face even redder, Harry gives her a tentative smile. Eva is suddenly overwhelmed by an urge to draw the boy into a tight embrace. She has no idea how Harry would respond to this (or she for that matter as she has never been overly affectionate) so she restrains herself and slowly drops her hands from his shoulders.

After that she says her goodbyes quickly as she can feel herself losing it once again. The strange knot in her throat doesn't want to go away. Before leaving she gets an open invitation to visit anytime she wants. As this is Sirius' house and he hasn't said anything to her about visiting again (or about anything at all) she is not exactly sure how much merit the invitation has. She plans on taking advantage anyway.

As soon as she is out of the door, as always, her eyes stay dry. That night she drowns herself in alcohol.

* * *

She plans on staying away for at least a week but Harry's sad eyes haunt her at all times of the day and no amount of firewhiskey can wash away her guilt. She can't believe she is once again standing in front of that blasted house only four days later. On her own accord. This time two identical faces show up at the door to let her in.

"Well, look who we have here."

"Healer Marlowe." With identical smiles Fred and George (or George and Fred, who knows) tuck their hands into both of her elbows and lead her into the house.

"The best of all healers-"

"-the funniest of all healers-"

"-the fiercest of all healers-"

"-the prettiest of all healers-"

"-and rumour has it-"

"-the healer that gives best-"

"-head."

For a moment she is stunned in complete mortification and can only gap at their mischievous smiles. She has two choices then; either she stutters an apology and then reprimands them for their lack of tact or she plays her own game. She has never been much for rules anyway.

She gives them a coy smile and beacons with her finger for them to lean towards her.

"I don't know what you heard, boys but… It is not _just_ a rumour. I _do_ give best head."

She smirks at the speechless faces and saunters off only to be met with an amused Remus.

"What?"

"Nothing." He is quiet for a while but ultimately just has to comment. "You'll get a bad reputation."

Eva scoffs at him and starts walking towards the kitchen, Remus at her heals.

"How much worse can it get?"

"You would be surprised." Eva gives him a sideways glance at his mutterings.

"Don't fret, Remus. If anything I just gained two loyal admirers."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

Eva barges into the kitchen and is pleasantly surprised as people start saying hallos warmly. With the notable exception of Sirius, of course.

"Eva, you are just in time for dinner. Find a seat somewhere."

"Oh, Molly, that's not necessary."

"Nonsense. Sit down, sit down! Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. We have to get some food into you. Look at you! You are skin and bones!"

"I am no such thing!" And she isn't, has never been skin and bones in her entire life. All protests fall on deaf ears and she incredulously finds herself sited at the kitchen table between Tonks and Remus, opposite Harry and his friends. Remus gives her a shrug in answer of her dubious look.

The whole thing is a laud affair and as sceptical as she has been she ends up having fun. She can't remember the last time she talked so much. Or listened to what other people were saying with interest. _It's called participating in a conversation, Marlowe_. She realizes she had been lonely. Hermione and especially Ginny are very interested in her work and she finds herself explaining her profession and telling anecdotes with enthusiasm. She finds herself interested in what Harry and others want to do after Hogwarts. She finds herself discussing classes, professors and Quidditch. It is not as hard as she thought, thinking back to her own Hogwarts days. It feels good to remember some things now that she doesn't have to feel guilty about her happy memories. Before she knew Sirius was innocent she dared not think of the old days. He was in almost all of her memories and it felt like she was betraying Lily and James and even Peter, when she thought of him as anything other than a murderer. She felt all of her memories were fake. _Oh, so many years lost._

After diner, when everybody disperses round the kitchen in various groups, drinks are served; butterbeer for underage and firewhiskey for the adults. She tries to pace herself even as not many of her dinner companions, with the noticeable exception of Molly and Remus, show much restraint. The drink sloshes over Tonks' glass as she eagerly describes how she and Kingsley are conducting the search for Sirius Black. Eva listens with raised eyebrows, mostly at the cackling coming from the younger witch. Harry approaches them cautiously inching around Tonks as to not set off a series of disasters. Eva smirks at him conspiratorially.

"Hey, Harry. This place always such a party cave?" Harry gives her a strange look but then glances around and realizes it really looks like a party.

"Actually, no. Mrs Weasley typically limits the amount of firewhisky and people then usually leave or go to their rooms right after dinner."

"Yes, that makes sense." After that Harry keeps looking at her awkwardly but doesn't say anything. Eva wishes her social skills were less rusty. Not that she ever was much for small talk, especially if there was something particular on her mind. Harry is obviously even less socially adept. "Harry, if you want to say something or ask something you are free to do so, you know? Anything."

"No, I just…"

"I promised we will talk?" Harry nods, not looking at Eva.

"And we did talk some before at the dinner table," he rushes to tell her. "So I didn't want to bother you again tonight. I just-"

"Harry. You are not bothering me. Don't ever think that, okay?" He nods but seems doubtful at that. Eva sighs and empties the glass. _For courage._ "That's why I came tonight. I came to see you, to talk to you, Harry. I did promise. As you said, we talked some before but maybe we could sit down somewhere quiet for a while?"

"Don't trust anything _she_ says, Harry. Who knows where her loyalties lie." The derisive angry voice can only belong to one person. And he still hadn't spoken directly to her.

"Where my loyalties lie?" She repeats astonished. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"She was known for keeping the company of Death Eaters."

He still hasn't said anything to her directly. This alone makes her grit her teeth in anger. His statement leaves her stunned. The kitchen has quieted down considerably and Harry seems decidedly uncomfortable being in between them, looking from one to the other, wishing he was anywhere else.

"Man-up already and speak to _me_, Sirius. Don't use Harry as your errand boy. What the hell are you talking about?" This gets him raging mad as she knew it will. Even after fourteen years she still knows how to get a rise out of him.

"What am I talking about? You know very well what I am talking about!" Finally, he has deigned her worthy of being spoken to. She can't remember him ever directing so much anger at her. And they had their share of fights in their past.

"No, I don't. Just say what you want to already because I have no idea what you are talking about!" By now the kitchen is deadly silent.

"Oh, did you finally drink enough firewhisky to fry your brain? Did you forget all about your whoring around behind my back?"

She feels like he slapped her in the face. Somewhere in the distance Molly tells Sirius off for his language but none of them can hear her.

"Me? Me whoring around? That's rich! You were the one that just had to fuck everything in a skirt that crawled your way!"

"Eva!" Someone is pulling at her elbow.

Sirius seems to deflate for a moment but then strikes back, never one to back down.

"Oh, don't play the martyr. Do you think I didn't know? I saw you with _him_."

"Saw me with who?" Eva truly has no idea what he is talking about. She isn't even that offended that he accused her of cheating on him but to practically accuse her of being a traitor… _Well, that's what you did to him, Marlowe_. It is a sobering thought but still it makes her see red that he just throws out a statement like this.

"Why, my dear brother of course. You didn't care who scratched your itch as long as it was a Black, right? If you gave up a few Order's secrets along the way that was as well, no?"

She has no conscious thought of raising her hand, only sees her hand making contact with his cheek and hears a resounding slap that echoes around the kitchen. _How dare he!_

"I was his friend." It comes out in a whisper through clenched teeth. She could say more and she could explain but what difference would it make. Regulus is dead and Sirius wouldn't believe her anyway.

Her mind races and there are some things from the past that are finally put in perspective but it doesn't matter anymore. They aren't a thing anymore. They are less than nothing. And maybe she deserves it. Deserves to have him hate her. Even if it is for something she didn't do. She has after all left him to rot in prison for twelve years. She believed he betrayed James. His brother. _How could I do this? How could I believe it?_

She remembers that Harry is still in the same room with them and looks at him in apprehension. He looks uncomfortable, stunned and worst of all, hurt.

"Harry…"

"I think I'll go to bed." He bolts from the kitchen before she or anyone else can say anything. Eva sighs tiredly.

The silence in the kitchen is unbearable but there is really nothing to be done about this. The evening is over and people start shuffling towards the exit in a sudden hurry, mumbling goodbyes along the way. Sirius grabs the nearest bottle by the neck and storms out of the kitchen. Eva looks longingly at that bottle. She wants nothing more than to drink herself unconscious. Alas, there is a boy in this very house that needs her and for once she will be there for him. She searches for Ginny, who she has pegged as friendly, quick to catch on and least judgemental of them all. True to her judgement of the teen, Ginny catches on immediately and motions her outside the kitchen.

"Will you show me to Harry's room?" Ginny doesn't ask her a single question as she leads her upstairs and Eva almost wants to hug her for it.

She knocks timidly.

"Harry? Can I come in?" Eva is almost ready to give up when the door opens. She enters carefully and finds Harry lying on his bad, fully clothed, staring at the ceiling. She sits down at the edge of his bad and clenches her fingers in her lap. They sit quietly for some time until Harry is ready to look at her. She gives him a sad smile.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"That this happened in front of you. You shouldn't see this."

"It doesn't matter." He shrugs but she knows it matters.

"It does, Harry. It does. And despite how much I don't want you to see things like this, it will probably happen again. Me and Sirius were always an explosive combination and I can't guarantee it will never happen again. Actually, I can practically guarantee it will. Especially with the way things are now."

"You fought before too?"

"Oh, yeah. Always, violently and often aiming to hurt." Oh, they could be poisonous together.

"And what about…" Harry trails off and blushes, looking away from her. Still, he wants to know and it is only fair that she explains it to him. He is the only one she doesn't want to be thinking badly of her. And she doesn't want him to doubt Sirius either because of her. He loves his godfather after all. And vice versa.

"Harry, me and Sirius, we didn't really have a traditional relationship so to say. We weren't really… exclusive. So, all was fair game and nobody was disloyal. Nobody was cheating. Not in the strictest sense of words. We were together and then we weren't. When we started out it was all very casual for the both of us. We had fun and that was all. After Hogwarts things got a bit more serious. Sirius had an apartment and I was there often, practically lived there. But it was I that still insisted on an open relationship. I had… trust issues and he had a weakness for pretty girls and I taught if I let him have other women then I wouldn't… Well, I didn't want to find out he actually cheated on me when we were exclusive." Then there was no place for forgiveness anymore. And she didn't want to create conditions where that was possible. She was a coward.

Harry is looking at her strangely and she figures she has said enough.

"So, what I said before, downstairs, you know about…" She really doesn't want to use the words _fucking around_ again. "It was all a perfect example of me trying to hurt him like he hurt me. Okay? I don't want you thinking badly of him because of this. He only did, what I practically told him to."

"But you didn't, did you?"

"Didn't what?"

"Go… around… with others?"

"No. Not really. Not after Hogwarts anyway."

"And…?"

"Regulus? He was a very lonely child. And a good friend of mine. A friend. And nothing else. Whatever Sirius thinks is just a figment of his imagination. I wouldn't do that to him, no matter how angry he made me. Do you believe me, Harry? Because I won't walk around convincing anyone else but it's important to me that you believe me. Do you?"

"I believe you." Eva breathes a sigh of relief at his solemn answer. Harry opens his mouth to ask something but then changes his mind and snaps his mouth shut.

"What? Come on, I said you can ask me anything."

"What about my parents? Did they have… an open relationship too?"

Eva can't help but laugh at the question.

"No, Harry. Your parents were as far from an open relationship as one can get. You have nothing to worry about. Your dad worshiped the floor your mom walked on and they trusted each other unconditionally. It was sickening to watch."

They both laugh and Eva can clearly hear relief in his voice. This time she can't help herself. She puts an arm around him in an embrace and settles herself besides him comfortably. They talk then, about Lily and James as long as she is able to handle it and beyond. For Harry she somehow makes do. _Merlin, how she loves that boy. _In that moment she knows that for once Lily is proud of her.


	4. Sirius makes me a raging lunatic

**Sirius makes me a raging lunatic**

She feels strange going back to her normal life. Back to reality. She feels like the world that she knew stopped. _Gone._ Like she should just sit at Number 12 Grimmauld Place until the war ended or until she was dead. It feels pointless and fake getting up at the break of the dawn to don her Healer robes and check up on her patients. At work though she manages to find her footing. Her job has always been her salvation after all. And at the end, working at St Mungo's is her mission for the order. She is their inside man. _Or woman._ It is lucky nobody expects her to participate in endless gossiping as she is definitely not in mood for that. Or maybe it is not luck. She has only herself to thank that she has established her reputation as a snappish and moody social recluse. _Oh well._

Everything that is not her job simply seems stupid. Just passing time between visits to Grimmauld Place. She can't help but turn up at the front door of the Order's headquarters every few days. She is a sadomasochist. But Harry at least seems happy to see her so she comes back as often as possible. Eva tells him about his parents and Harry listens with rapt attention, anxious not to miss a single word. They mostly talk about her Hogwarts years as that were the happiest times of all of their lives. She avoids exploring the deeper issues, mostly because she herself doesn't feel ready for it. Sometimes Remus tells a story or two and even Sirius can't help but chime in occasionally, even if it is only to snip at her. She generally tries to avoid him as his attitude towards her hasn't really improved and she has a hard time not snapping back at him whenever he spits venom her way. Still, she is forced to share a table with him at least once every visit as Molly continuous to insist on fattening her up.

Mostly, though, Eva enjoys listening to Harry tell her about his life. Eva notices that he too talks only about his Hogwarts years. Some of his stories make her cringe even as he tells them with a laugh. She is astounded at some of the things she hears and she might think he is exaggerating if Ron and Hermione weren't right there, nodding along with him. _Three-headed dogs, detentions in the Forbidden Forest, murdering Dada professors, petrified students, giant snakes, dementors, dragons? What has this school came to? _She can't remember her school years being this exciting._ And what are all the adults doing to prevent this? Does Harry even think of turning to an adult when in trouble? What is Dumbledore doing? He promised to protect Harry at all costs._

The more they talk the more she feels a bond forming between them. But also the more they talk, more anxious she is. It drives her to drink. A bunch of eleven-year-olds getting past a complicated polygon of tasks only to face Voldemort himself? _I need a drink._ Opening a Chamber of Secrets, getting bitten by a Basilisk and destroying a teenaged Voldemort? _What the fuck_? Almost getting kissed by a dementor, traveling back in time and coming face to face with a fully grown werewolf on full moon? _Poor Remus, how he must beat himself over for this_. A fourteen-year-old participating in a competition designed for seventeen-year-olds? _No wonder Harry has no faith in adults that let this happen. Oh, just wait when I get my hands on you, Albus! I need a bloody bottle!_

He hasn't told her everything of course. And it is the things he hadn't said that make her nervous and worried. They are getting closer but Harry has only known her for a few weeks and although it hurts her to think so, he doesn't really know her and he is not about to trust her with his deepest thoughts. He hasn't really said anything about the return of Voldemort except that he has in fact returned. Hasn't even mentioned the death of his classmate that he has undoubtedly witnessed. Even more worrying is what to her seem random bouts of bitterness and resentment towards the adults that are keeping things from him. There are also moments in his stories when he stops himself from saying something, omits things and rarely says how he actually _feels_ about something that happened. Eva feels protectiveness rise in her chest. _Merlin, I would do anything to spare you. I would take your destiny upon my shoulders if I could._ She has a hard time staying sober when visiting. She tries though. For Harry.

For Harry she also does something that she really,_ really_ doesn't want to. She decides to broach the subject with Remus and Sirius. To do that she actually has to speak to them. She tentatively approaches the kitchen one afternoon after a cleaning session, she has been bullied into by Molly, to find Remus and Sirius in the kitchen reading and drinking tea. There is only the two of them just like she hoped. Catching Remus' eye she chickens out and goes straight for the alcohol cabinet.

"Firewhisky anyone?" Eva doesn't know what alerts them to her nervousness more; her squeaky voice or the fact she is offering drinks to Sirius in his house. Although she has taken to calling the house Order's headquarters rather than Sirius' house. In her head at least.

"You mean _my_ firewhisky?" She doesn't answer nor does she wait for them to express their wishes regarding the said firewhisky. She pours herself a generous amount and then pushes two glasses towards both men. Sirius latches onto it even as he glares at her. Remus doesn't touch the drink.

"What's on your mind, Eva?" At Remus' inquiry she sits down opposite them, takes a sip, sighs deeply then gets back up on her feet and starts to pace. She is restless. Remus lets her pace herself out until she finally stops and turns back towards them clutching the backrest of the chair she has briefly sat on before.

"Why is nobody looking out for Harry?" The words burst out of her mouth, angry, desperate and accusing. This is not the way she wanted to do this but she realizes that this is an unfiltered sum of her feelings. Sirius of course takes it personally.

"Excuse me?" Her ex-boyfriend gets on his feet in an instant and growls, actually _growls_ at her.

"This is not normal!" She is close to bellowing and Remus gets up in alarm too. "It is not normal for a kid to be dealing with this! Voldemort! At Hogwarts? Hogwarts! Under Dumbledore's nose. Not once! Three times now! What the hell? Wasn't the whole point to protect Harry? To give him a normal childhood? To be safe? How is he safe with trolls and basilisks and dementors and dragons? At school? And to let a fourteen-year-old to participate in a Triwizard Tournament? HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?"

"LET THIS HAPPEN? There was no letting it happen! The contract is binding to-"

"HE IS A MINOR! NO CONTRACT IS BINDING UNTILL HIS CARETAKERS ALLOW IT! Don't tell me there is nothing to be done!"

"Who are you to say this? WHERE WERE YOU? Oh, let me answer this. You were safely hidden away, sticking your head in the sand, drowning in drink like always! That's the only way you ever knew how to deal with your fucked-up life."

"Like you're the one to talk, Oh-high-and-mighty! Who was the one that got me into drink in the first place, hm?" She sneers at him and in protest she grabs the bottle and takes a swing right out of it. She is so angry she can't think straight. This argument has quickly turned into an emotional shouting match that has little to do with Harry.

"Guys-" Remus tries to intervene but none of them are paying him any attention. He thinks about silencing the room but he can already see a growing audience of wide-eyed teenagers at the door and sighs in resignation.

"Oh, blame me, why don't you! Blame me for everything bad that ever happened in your life and then you can fuck-off and go drown yourself in that bottle you are so fond off!"

"Yes, that was always your preferred solution no?" She offers him a mocking scoff. "Drink and fuck!" None of them can hear a cacophony of startled gasps. They are too busy glaring at each other. Later Eva is grateful for the anger that while it clouds her judgement, it also shields her from her other emotions. Emotions that could make her crumble. Would make her crumble.

"At least something you were good at," he tells her viciously, intending to hurt her. And it does. It does hurt her. Mostly it hurts that he would say it. She stumbles a bit from the blow. "Is that all you managed to do in the last fourteen years? Fuck around? Obviously you haven't been taking care of Harry."

If she were thinking straight, she would turn away and leave. But Sirius always could bring out the worst of her.

"And what good were you, locked up in Azkaban?" Her voice is as cold as ice. "How well did you take care of your godson from prison?"

"I was innocent! Do you think I asked for it? Do you think I went to Azkaban willingly? Do you think I wouldn't be taking responsibility for my godson if I was free?!"

"You sure weren't thinking about Harry when you went after Peter, did you? Rash lake always!"

"HE BETRAYED THEM! HE KILLED THEM! HE KILLED JAMES!" As he yells into her face she actually thinks he might strike her.

"And all James wanted was for his son to be safe! He trusted you to protect him! James wouldn't care about revenge!"

"ENOUGH!" Remus' eyes glint an angry yellow colour as he yells at his remaining friends. It always astounded him how they could rip into each other. Eva looks at him startled and only then notices the shocked audience. She catches the crestfallen face of Harry Potter and immediately deflates. Anger leaves her but she is yet too numb to feel any shame. She feels the bottle being ripped out of her fingers and sees Sirius stalk out of the kitchen.

One of the Weasley twins' mutters something about anger management as Sirius passes but otherwise everybody is silent. She looks at Harry's face and detects hurt, pity, anger and resentment among other things. She knows she should talk to him but she is too broken at the moment. She stumbles towards the door, intending to escape.

"It's not your fault, Harry. Never your fault. It's us. All of us too broken to be of any use to you." It is all she can mutter to him and she doesn't even wait to gauge his reaction.

* * *

Eva doesn't go back to the headquarters for more than a week. She can't handle seeing anyone and she is way too drunk most of the time to show her face anyway. Sirius was right, she deals with her life by denial and alcohol. And she needs those. She feels guilty abandoning Harry and she feels even more guilty thinking about her fight with Sirius.

The whole conversation rolls on in her head on constant repeat. Every spiteful word, every sneer, every mocking scoff, every emotion passing his gaunt face. On and on and on and on. It nearly drives her crazy. The flashbacks surprise her in the middle of St Mungo's cafeteria where she is forced to ply herself with sobering potion and she can't wait for her shift to be over so she can soften her too bright world with alcohol.

Who knows when the vicious circle would stop if Remus Lupin didn't show up at her doorstep one evening. She could hardly slam the door in his face. Her flat is a disaster zone; clothes, take-out containers and bottles strewn across all the surfaces and she is not much better, already slightly drunk, dressed in her winkled healer robes, make-up smeared and her hair a greasy mess. Remus doesn't hold back his grimace.

"Merlin's pants, Marlowe. You look like shit."

"Thanks, Lupin," she mutters before leaving him at her doorstep and throwing herself onto the couch, not bothering to remove a pile of cloths covering the furniture. Remus rolls his eyes as he figures opening the door was to be the height of Eva Marlowe's manners. He closes the door, gives the flat a glance of disgust and uses his wand to remove a dirty nightshirt from the nearest armchair so he can sit down.

"I see you've been busy." Remus looks around the disaster of an apartment pointedly.

"I'll let you know it takes great effort for the place to look like this."

"Oh yes, lots of brooding." She glares at her old friend before sighing in defeat.

"What do you want Remus?"

"You haven't been around for the last week." She gives him a look that clearly says she thinks him mental.

"Yeah, well I didn't think I was welcome back," she remarks bitterly.

"Eva." At his gentle voice she looks up. "You are always welcome. Number 12 Grimmauld Place is the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix." Eva scoffs at this and looks away. "And Harry misses you."

At this her head snaps back up hopefully.

"He does?"

"He has been asking about you."

"He has? I thought maybe he won't want to see me again."

"Eva, he is just confused. I tried talking to him but I think you should do it." She gets up abruptly and starts to pace her flat which is more like dodging the obstacles.

"I know. I know I should. I just… Merlin, Remus I am so ashamed. The things I said. The sadistic pleasure I got out of hurting him. Because that's what I was doing. He hurt me and I just had to poke where I knew it hurts most. I don't want to do it. Really, Remus, I already feel guilty enough about… You know…?"

Remus nods, his eyes downcast. "I know."

"But the moment he stands in front of me… I just react. The things that come out of my mouth… I didn't even know I feel that way and I don't. Not really. But some part of me…"

"Some part of you resents him for not seeing you are hurting too?" She nods anxiously.

"Yes. And the other part of me knows I deserve everything he dishes at me."

"Eva…"

"Let's not go there, Remus." He nods in agreement.

"Harry leaves for Hogwarts on the first. That's in two days." She knew this but still she feels her throat close up at this. _She will miss that kid._

"I'll stop by tomorrow," she promises. Remus nods and stands up to leave.

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you." He nods with a slight smile. "For everything. And I'm sorry."

"Eva-"

"Just- Let me say this. Apparently I already babbled some of this but I want to do this sober. Well, semi-sober at least. I'm sorry for abandoning you. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Actually, you were the only good thing I had left after Lily an James died. But Sirius was right about how I deal with my life; denial and booze. And that's how I dealt with the memories I was left with. I nearly killed myself drinking and I avoided looking at anything that reminded me of the past. It wasn't fair and I'm sorry. I am so sorry."

She is suddenly yanked into a tight embrace and after stiffening initially, she relaxes into steady safe hands of her friend.

"I wanted to do that for the last few weeks," he tells her hoarsely. She clutches his robe in her fists and holds onto him like her life depends on it. She hasn't been hugged in years. _Oh, how she missed this. She missed him. She missed genuine human interaction. She missed the affection that came with having friends. She missed talking with people that knew her inside and out. She missed loving people. She missed being loved._ And right there wrapped in Remus' arms, she knows she is loved.

* * *

Eva feels her and the front door of Number 12 Grimmauld Place had become quite familiar with one another in the last weeks. It still doesn't explain why she has been staring at it for the last ten minutes.

"It won't open by itself you know?" She jumps at the voice behind her back. Bill Weasley chuckles at her.

"Yeah, well it might combust spontaneously. Here's to hoping."

Bill actually laughs at that.

"If the door does combust, I can assure you there will be nothing spontaneous about it. You'll have my brothers to thank."

Eva laughs along with him and feels herself relax slightly.

"You're probably right."

"So, you going in or what?" She looks at him dubiously. "Come on, Eva. It'll be alright. We've all missed you. It has been very quiet without you."

She smacks his shoulder playfully at his quip.

"That doesn't make me feel any better." Still, she lets him lead her into the house. She is relieved she didn't have to knock at least even as anxiety returns full bloom when she enters the gloomy hall. _Now how to go about this to cross paths with as few people as possible and still get to Harry? _She smiles sheepishly at Bill. He rolls his eyes.

"You want me to check where Harry is?"

"Yes, please."

Bill's subtle investigation leads her to the drawing room on the first floor. Harry doesn't hear her enter, too lost in his own thoughts. He is absently tracing his fingers over the lines of the tapestry of Black family tree. He looks sad.

"At the end, you know, those lines don't mean anything." Harry looks at her startled. "Real family can't be put up there on the wall."

"Eva?" He looks uncertain, torn between joy at seeing her and apprehension.

"Hey, Harry." For a while they look at each other from a distance.

"I wasn't sure I'll see you again." She rubs her palm over her chest to ease the throbbing ache.

"I wasn't sure you wanted to see me again."

"I do. I was just…"

"Angry, confused?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, Harry." She gathers the courage and steps forward, taking his hands into hers. "I am so sorry. God, it feels all I am saying all the time is how sorry I am. But I am, Harry."

"Well, you did say that at some time you'll probably fight with Sirius again." He shrugs sheepishly. She shakes her head.

"Yes but that was brutal. Uncalled for. You should never have been witness to that. You shouldn't be witness to a lot of things in your life. And the thing I didn't want to do was add to that. And it is exactly what I did."

"I guess you did go a little overboard."

"A little overboard?" Eva laughs at that. "Your mom used to say he could turn me into a raging lunatic."

"Yes, I did thought you'll start to foam at the mouth any second." They softly smile at each other.

"Come on. Let's sit down for a while. I won't see you again for some time and I want some quality time. We already missed so much. Are you looking forward to Hogwarts?" Harry shrugs uncertainly and Eva can see conflict behind his eyes.

"Yes. I do. Hogwarts is my home." The longing in his voice makes her throat tighten.

"But?" she prompts.

"I don't want to be ungrateful. Grimmauld Place hasn't been so bad. Certainly better than the Dursleys-"

"Better than the Dursleys?!" Eva exclaims in surprise. What teenager would rather spend his summer in this dingy house than at home where he has access to outdoors. Harry doesn't acknowledge her though.

"But Sirius will still have to stay here. In this house he hates so much." His glum seems to spread and Eva sighs sadly.

"Harry. We haven't spoken much, me and Sirius. Unless it was to shout at one another. I am sure he carries his demons with him like we all do. But he has to be the one to deal with them, not you. He is a grownup. Granted, one that hasn't really had time to grow but still. You can't stay here just so he isn't alone. You belong at Hogwarts. And he knows that."

"That's what he said once too, you know? When we saved him, me and Hermione from the dementors in my third year and I wanted to go with him. He said I belong at Hogwarts."

"See? He does possess some common sense occasionally." Harry chuckles but then stops and his eyes cloud over. He seems lost I his thoughts. "Harry?"

"Do you really think it's his fault? Azkaban?" Eva sighs sadly, dragging hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that."

"No, it's okay. Sirius was always reckless, impulsive, doing things that he didn't think through and regretting them later. Your dad balanced him out though, kept him from going too far. Without him, he was lost, I think. I don't think he thought about what he was doing when he went after Peter. I think all he saw was that his other half, because that's what James was to him, was dead and his balance was crushed. I want to say, that he meant to kill Peter and then come back to take care of you, Harry but the truth is I don't think Sirius thought that far in the future. And if he did, I don't think he saw himself coming back alive."

"You think he wanted to kill himself?" Harry asks horrified.

"No, no. I just don't think he thought he could survive it. Survive that pain." Harry still looks uneasy. "So no, I don't think it's his fault. You shouldn't think that either. Sirius loved you. He _loves_ you. He lives even now for you, Harry. For son of a man that was more than his brother. You should remember that. And not listen to me when I am foaming at the mouth."

"Funny how you scream the most horrible things into his face but defend him fiercely behind his back." Harry says this with wonder in his green eyes and Eva is strongly reminded of Lily.

"Sometimes you remind me so much of your mom. You have her compassion, her regard for others and her intuition. I can almost hear her say just a thing like this."

"Are you… I mean… Sirius was my dad's best friend and you were my mom's best friend and Sirius is my godfather… Are you…?" Eva shakes her head in denial.

"No, Harry. I'm not your godmother. At least not officially." He frowns in confusion as the hopeful glint in his eyes diminishes and Eva wishes with all her might she could give him a different answer. "I was supposed to be. We already had a date set for when we were supposed to be appointed your godparents but I was called on an unexpected mission for the order and I told them to just go ahead. It didn't matter anyway, at least it seemed so then. If anything happened to your parents you were to come live with me and Sirius anyway. As long as one of us had official claim it was okay. And I could do it at a later date anyway. It never came though, as you know."

"So that's why I couldn't live with you? You weren't my family and you weren't my godmother?" There is something unreadable in his face as he says this. Eva nods pondering if she should say more. _Should she say she wasn't fit to walk the street much less take care of a child?_

"Yes. You went to your closest blood relative. Harry?" She waits for him to look at her. "I remember from what Lily told me about her sister, that she didn't really care much for magic. But she did treat you nicely, right?"

"Sure." He shrugs and then turns back to the tapestry. Eva narrows her eyes suspiciously but before she can dig deeper, they are interrupted by Ron an Hermione.

"Harry! Dinner is ready! Are you-" Ron stops abruptly as he catches sight of Eva, blushes scarlet and looks anywhere but at her.

"Hi, Ron. Hermione." They nod at her awkwardly and she doesn't blame them. They know way too much about her personal life. "Right. I should probably go. I just came to say goodbye before you leave for Hogwarts."

"You could stay for dinner." Harry suggests politely and she can hear Ron chock.

"Yeah, maybe not Harry. I think Molly has yet to forget how many f-bombs were dropped in her kitchen the last time I was here."

Eva smiles at the sniggering teenagers.

She hopes against hope not to meet anybody as the trio escorts her downstairs. Her luck for the day seems to have run out. At least it's not Sirius. Arthur, Remus, Bill and Tonks all smile at her kindly when they see her coming down with Harry. She once again declines the invitation to dinner and moves towards the entrance trying not to look like she is hightailing it out of there. Remus raises an amused eyebrow at her hurry.

"I hope you have a great year, Harry. Truly." She hugs him, not giving him a chance to protest even if he wanted to. "Write to me. And if you have any trouble," at this point she stretches her elbows and moves a little bit away from him so she can look him in the eye. "Please for Merlin's sake and my own sanity, tell someone. Go to an adult for help. Please try to stay out of trouble."

"The trouble usually finds me," he protests.

"Yes. But I knew I boy named James Potter once and he too took it upon himself (and his mates) to save everybody's problems even when they were none of his business and better left for an adult to deal with. And you Harry are very much like that from what I gathered."

"Really?" He grins at her in delight. Eva can't help but grin back even as she shakes her head in exasperation.

"Yes. But, please, Harry, I'm serious."

"I thought you were Eva."

"Harry!" she exclaims. "Do you have any idea how overused that joke is? Anyway, stop trying to distract me. If you have problems or suspicions or anything like that talk to someone. You can always write to me. Or Sirius. Or Remus. Or go to Dumbledore."

"Dumbledore seems very busy," he mutters.

"At least try. For me? Please? And no more dragons and giant snakes and the like okay?"

"I really don't miss any of those."

"Do we have a deal?" Harry nods complacently. "Promise?"

"I promise." Smiling she hugs him one more time. She catches a pair of grey eyes over his shoulder but they are gone in an instant.


	5. Man-up

**Man-up**

Come first of September she expects to feel relief as she now has no reason to be a frequent visitor to Number 12 Grimmauld and can though avoid looking at the embodiment of all her guilt (namely Sirius and Remus) for weeks on end. Instead all the relief she could feel is overshadowed by an anxious worry for the boy that should have been her godson.

_After all that already happened to Harry at Hogwarts should he really be left there all alone? Maybe it would really be better for him to stay at Grimmauld place safely tucked-in? They could protect him there. He can finish Hogwarts later. But wait, he has to be there. He belongs there, she said it herself. Or maybe __she__ could go there. Maybe she could disguise herself and keep an eye on him? Should she bring this up to Dumbledore? Or just do it? But no, Harry will think she doesn't trust him. And Dumbledore would never allow it. Oh, what does she care what Dumbledore thinks when it comes to Harry's safety!?_

The thought process has brought her on the brink of madness in less than a week. Her co-workers give her a wide berth as she is seen muttering under her breath as she stalks down the halls of St Mungo's. Trying to keep busy she develops a habit of constant nervous eating. She is rarely without a bag of crisps or cookies and it is starting to show on her skin.

Harry's letter about two weeks into a term is first seen as a blessing. At least she is forced to set aside her bag of gummies to read the letter. She greedily pours over Harry's words on the first reading, smiles softly at second and third, squints suspiciously while reaching for a gummy bear here and there at forth and is nervously showing fistfuls into her mouth trying to decipher Harry's mood on fifth and sixth and umpteenth reading_. Something isn't right. She hasn't known Harry that long and he has to partially write in a code for safety reasons but still she feels something isn't right. Or maybe she is just paranoid. _

Two days of debating with herself pass before she finally gathers the courage to appear at Number 12 Grimmauld place. And this time she doesn't have the cover of going to the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. She is at Sirius' house. Period.

She decides not to knock. None of the other Order members knock, they all let themselves in quietly, trying not to wake up the hag. Except for Tonks; she can do nothing quietly.

Walking through the quiet house she feels like she is sneaking in uninvited and regrets not knocking. At least then she gets the first meeting over and that's that. As it is she crosses the entry hall somewhat hesitatingly. Who knows what or who lurks in the darkness. She could swear the eyes of the house-elves heads are following her. She fumbles through her pocket for something edible and stuffs a sticky bun into her mouth.

"What are you doing here?" Eva would swear up and down he waited just for that moment to make his presence known. She turns around quickly and can only imagine how she looks like to Sirius, eyes wide as saucers and her cheeks puffed as she tries to swallow the whole bun in one go. He looks on in disbelief as she puts a palm over her mouth for fear of some pieces escaping and swallows quickly. _Merlin, she feels sick._

"I- I- I came to talk to you." He is probably the only person in the world that can turn her into a stuttering mess. "About Harry." He raises an eyebrow at her, probably remembering their last attempt at conversation. That one was supposed to be about Harry too. Eva bites her lip uncertainly as he continuous to regard her loftily. "Look, I know you don't want to talk to me or even look at me." At this he averts his eyes and Eva swallows hard. "But could we please talk? For Harry's sake?"

Sirius nods reluctantly but says nothing as he walks downstairs towards the basement kitchen. She figures this is her que to follow him. _Polite as ever._ When she descends, Sirius is already pouring drinks. She clutches the glass, never one to turn down a drink even as she wonders if it is really a good idea for them to talk over a bottle. But she guesses this is a reminisce of the old days. When things went wrong they turned to alcohol and sex. And things were more wrong than right in those last years of the first war. Then at least they still had their friends to keep them grounded when their toxic relationship wasn't enough. Now, though, all they had left is alcohol.

She sits down in the middle of the long table opposite Sirius and for a few moments they sit there looking at each other in almost tangible tension and Eva realizes this is the first time in fourteen years she is alone with him. There are no distractions, no buffers and no Remus.

His eyes hold no sparkle, his face shows deep lines of anguish and his shoulders are slumped. He is aged way beyond his years. Sadness settles over her like a heavy blanket. She squashes an urge to get up and hold him as tightly as possible and cry until she has cried out her very soul. He would not appreciate it and she doesn't think she could recover from it anyway. She gulps down the firewhisky and tries to get a hold of herself.

_You could have prevented this, Marlowe. You could have done something. How could you believe? How could you? No. Enough. _

"What about Harry?" She is grateful he breaks the silence. She knows there is only one way to start this conversation if they want to avoid the same outcome that their previous talk has produced. With an apology. Of sorts.

"What I said the other day? It came out all wrong. I didn't mean to accuse you of not taking care of Harry." Sirius still looks at her guardedly and Eva sighs. "Really, I was just worried and scared after all the things Harry told me that happened to him at Hogwarts. And I know you were in no position to do anything about them." His eyes flare up indignantly and she frustratingly realizes she has once again managed to say the wrong thing. She rushes to cut him off as she is certain they will get nowhere fast if he starts yelling at her. "No, listen! I was angry, mostly at Dumbledore and the other Professors and the ministry. They were there, they were supposed to keep Harry safe, they should have made themselves available. Instead he is on his own. He and his friends, children, rushing into danger, saving everybody instead of having fun and pulling pranks and doing homework and worrying about their exams. I just…"

She can feel her airway closing in anxiety. She empties the glass and then looks around for something to latch on. A box of hazelnut pralines is placed a few chairs away and before she knows what she is doing she has summoned the box. As the praline melts in her mouth, her breathing eases. Sirius eyes her weirdly.

"Those are Remus'." She nods absentmindedly and continues to eye the purple box. "They remind me of us. Harry, Ron and Hermione. Roaming the halls at night with James' Invisibility cloak and the Marauders' map, getting in all kinds of trouble."

They remind her of The Marauders too just not in the way Sirius thinks. Marauders were a closed knit group, a sort of brotherhood, that no one had a chance of joining. Not even Lily. They accepted her and Eva too but they were forever to be outsiders. And she sees that with the Trio too. She did not miss an occasional bitter smile on Ginny's lips nor the twins rolling their eyes at Harry, Ron and Hermione whispering among themselves.

None of their adventures remind her of the Marauders though. To her it all seems like running for their lives.

Sirius smiles to himself and she almost lets him live in his delusion.

"He is not James." She says this in a matter-of-fact manner. Hard. Unforgiving. Shows no mercy. "Harry is not James." Someone has to say it and it might as well be her. Mollycoddling has never been in her repertoire.

"I know that!" Sirius jumps on his feet in fury as she has expected him to. She gets up much slowly and looks him in the eye.

"Do you?"

"Of course I know. I was the one that saw James' _dead_ body," he snarls into her face and she nearly buckles under the harsh truth. _Merlin, he saw the dead body of his best friend_. She closes her eyes to get rid of the picture but she knows it will never go away. And they are still not done. Not done at all.

"Then start acting like it," she whisper-yells through her gritted teeth. "He may look like James but he is not James. He may love Quidditch like him but he is not him. He may have his cloak and his map and his talent for attracting trouble but he is not James. And…" And here she finally looks into her soul too. Self-reflect is a bitch. "He may have Lilly's eyes but he is not her. He may possess her kindness and her empathy but he is not Lily."

She ends in a whisper and sits back down slowly. For merlin knows how long, they sit in deafening silence.

"I forget sometimes," Sirius admits and she is just surprised he hasn't stormed off. "It's not as if I think he is James but I still haven't gotten used to him being gone. I want to tell him something and when I catch a glimpse of Harry and he looks so much like him… I forget for a second there that James is dead." _Merlin, what a heartless bitch she is. Of course he forgets. She had fourteen years to get used to Lily being gone and sometimes she still… What time did he have? Twelve years of Azkaban? _She doubts time had any meaning there. His grief is still raw. "But I do know. I know that he is not James. He is his own person."

"Even if he is remarkably like them sometimes. The best of both of them." They smile at each other and for the first time since their reunion she feels they are on the same page. "And I want to get to know him. I want to be in his life. So badly."

Sirius nods in agreement.

"Yeah, me too."

"You already are. He trusts you. He comes to you for advice. He loves you."

"Maybe." Sirius gets up and pours them another drink. Eva frowns at his forlorn face.

"What is it?" She stuffs a praline into her mouth.

"Nothing. Just… I can feel him still holding back. Not telling me things he thinks will upset me. He tells me things and he does ask for advice but is sort of detached. I don't know how to explain. Like…"

"Like he doesn't actually say how something makes him feel? Tells you he almost died from a basilisk wound but doesn't say how scared he must have been?"

"Exactly." Sirius eyes her curiously but Eva just sighs.

"I wish Lily was here. She would know what to say to him. I never knew how to deal with emotions. She was good at this."

"Yes, she was. The only person in the world that could make me sob into her robes like a five-year-old."

His chuckle is a mix of affection and pain.

"I think you should tell Harry that." Sirius raises a doubtful eyebrow at her. She has no idea where that insight came from but thinking back on her talks with Harry she suddenly sees the error of her ways. And she would bet Sirius did it too. It was less painful that way. Tell a story but focus only on what happened and what Lily thought on the matter but not what she herself thought. What she felt. How it affected her. And she basically told him nothing about herself, nothing about her background. In hindsight they only ever took a step forward in their bonding when she opened up to him. When things, little things slipped from her lips. _Merlin, was she thick_. _What did she expect from Harry when she herself held everything close to her chest?_ "Things like that. How she affected you. How they both affected you. I have been doing it too. Leaving myself out of the equation. Not out of the story but just leaving out my motives, my wishes, my fears. And I try to only talk about positive topics, not mentioning the war if I can help it but maybe that's not what Harry needs."

Sirius nods at this.

"I do this too. Try to talk about happier times. And when he asks the harder questions… When he asked about my family… I did tell him how they were but I barely skimmed the surface. I didn't want him to dwell on it. I thought it didn't matter anyway. But I guess he can't really understand the foundation of my friendship with James if I don't explain to him how it started out. And thus he misses out on the large part of his father's life."

"And yours." For a moment she thinks he will deny it but at the end he knows she's right.

"He can't completely trust us if he doesn't really know us, can he?"

"I guess not," she says sadly. She wows to herself to do better in the future, no matter how hard it might be. She remembers then finally what she came here for. "Have you heard from Harry since he went back to Hogwarts?" She doesn't wait for him to answer. Her nervous energy returns and words tumble out of her mouth tripping one over another. "I got his letter two days ago. At first it seemed a normal letter, not really overjoyed but normal. But then I read again and again and again." She jams a few of the pralines into her mouth and continuous not really swallowing. "And the more I read the more it didn't sound right. I think something is wrong. Do you think I should go there to keep an eye at him? What if there is another basilisk? Or a troll? Or dragon? What if there is a dragon at Hogwarts? You know how fond Hagrid is of them! Maybe he should come here. He will be safer here with the Order watching over him."

"I really-" Sirius tries to interject but stops in disbelief as she stuffs another fistful of pralines into her mouth. He can only imagine Remus' reaction when he returns to find the box of his favourite chocolates empty. He thinks about stopping her but there really is no use.

"And what if there is-" She gasps as the thought hits her. She grips the edge of the table and leans forward dramatically. "What if that new professor is Voldemort in disguise?"

"She is not Voldemort in disguise," Sirius finally interjects as her theories are getting more and more inane.

"How do you know? It happened before! With that Quirrell guy!" She fanatically reaches for that box of pralines again only to find it empty. _Wasn't that full before?_

"Marlowe! Will you stop! You are being totally unreasonable! Voldemort isn't at Hogwarts!"

"What is going on here?" They both jump in surprise as the door to the kitchen slams open and Remus, looking like death has warmed over him, strides in, eyeing them suspiciously. "Are you two at it again? Didn't we talk about this already, Padfoot? Can't you at least try to act civil for Harry's sake?" Remus seems agitated and Eva mentally calculates when the next full moon is due.

"We are being civil, Moony," Sirius complains insulted. "She is just being completely irrational. Thinking that Umbridge is Voldemort in disguise. She is worse than Molly. I got the feeling she wants to lock up Harry somewhere and not leave him out of her sight."

Eva bites her lip, looking down sheepishly. _Okay, so maybe she is overacting. But she can't help but worry. And it's not that unreasonable is it? It happened before._

Surprisingly Remus chuckles at that even as she has no idea what is so funny.

"What is so funny?" Sirius seems equally perturbed.

"Oh, it seems our Eva has just discovered her maternal instincts."

"My maternal instincts?" She is very doubtful of this.

"Yes."

"The terrified worry?"

"Yes?"

"Are you sure? I knew Harry as a baby and I never got any of this- Maternal instincts?"

"Well, you didn't need to then." _He still had his mother back then_ is left unsaid. Remus' sad smile and the ensuing silence say more than a thousand words.

_Is that how Lily felt every second of Harry's life? Terrified to death? Sick with worry?_

"I don't think I am cut out for this," she says quietly.

"I think you're doing a good job, Eva. I've seen you with Harry. You two are forming a bond and that's what matters. For everything else you just have to…"

"Man-up?" She supplies mock- helpfully.

"Grow a pair?" Sirius chimes in not about to miss out on messing with Remus.

"Suck it up?"

"Buck up?"

"Put some guts into it?"

"Ha. Ha. You two are so funny. Too bad you can't agree about anything else."

"Uuuu, growly. Is it nearing that time of the month?" she asks mock-sympathetically. They had learned a long time ago not to feel sorry for Remus.

Remus rolls his eyes at them but sits down besides Sirius in defeat. _If you can't beat them, join them. _Sirius slaps him on the back heartily and pours them all another drink. Some of the tension leaves the room and only now does she realize how rigid her stature has been until Remus joined them.

"You're impossible." They joke around in amicable atmosphere for a while. _How didn't she know how much she had missed her friends? Right, it's hard to miss someone if you don't allow yourself to think about them._

"Is everything okay?" Exhausted as he looks Remus still notices her bittersweet smile.

"Yeah. Just… I'm still worried about Harry."

"Umbridge really isn't Voldemort in disguise. She is just a prejudiced ministry controlled… bitch." Remus nods to himself and gulps down his firewhisky. Eva raises her eyebrows at this as Remus is not much for firewhisky nor for using the expletives. Sirius shakes his head so she lets it go.

"Okay, that was sort of farfetched but still… After everything that already happened to him, shouldn't we at least check up on him? His letter really was not all that cheerful."

"I spoke with him a few days ago."

"What? When? Why? How? Why didn't you say anything?" She rounds on Sirius and in return he glares at her.

"I am saying it now. I haven't had a chance to get a word in till now." He might be right but she is not about to admit it.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What did he say?"

"I don't have to tell you anything. Especially not when you are using that tone."

Eva is about to jump over the table and wring his neck.

"Will you two stop it. You are giving me a headache. You are worse than a pair of moody teenagers. Sirius, stop antagonising her. Eva, sit back down." They both obey albeit reluctantly.

"We spoke through a firecall a few days ago…"

"What?"

"Sirius, what were you thinking. Fireplaces are being monitored."

"Do you want to hear what we talked about or not?" Remus and Eva quiet down but Remus is still glaring at his friend. _Could he be any more reckless? It's Sirius so he probably could._

"He wrote a letter to me too, asking some questions. And I thought it easier to answer in person rather than write it all down."

"Just because you are too lazy to-"

"Anyway. You are right, Harry isn't all that happy. He looked really tired but that isn't all that weird. It's his OWL year after all. You do remember Remus and his OWL induced insanity from fifth year?"

"Hey!"

"I do remember actually. He got very- Possessive about his chocolate."

"I was not possessive. If you didn't-"

"You were saying something about Harry?"

"He has a lot of trouble keeping up with all his homework. And also he has trouble sleeping. A lot of weird dreams that could or could not be connected with Voldemort. He is worried of course. I told him to go to Dumbledore if it gets worse but I don't know if he'll actually do that. Or if this made him feel any better at all." Sirius doesn't seem to have much faith in himself and she can relate. What does any of them know about reassuring a distraught kid. Not even a kid but worse: a teenager.

Not thinking about it, her hand once again searches the box on the table only to come up empty.

"I'm sure you did your best. It probably did him good just to see your face." Remus tries to reassure his friend.

"Didn't you just yell at me for seeing him?" His infuriating smirk only manages to get a sigh from Remus.

"Yes, well I didn't say you should do it again."

"Moving on." As much as Eva enjoys the banter she is also anxious to hear about Harry. And there is nothing to eat.

"He asked about Hagrid, too. I couldn't say much about his whereabouts as you know. I hope he returns quickly though. I think Harry would feel a lot better if Hagrid was at Hogwarts. Less lonely anyway."

"He's lonely?" Eva latches onto the word, her breath quickening as she can feel her heart break. She rubs her palm over her chest to ease her pain. _Her Harry. Her boy. Lonely._

"He didn't actually say he is lonely." Sirius seems to regret saying anything at seeing her reaction. He pours her another drink.

"But you thought so? You've seen something to make you think so?" Sirius shrugs as if not really sure how to explain.

"Children are impressionable and there has been a lot of propaganda against Harry over the summer."

"They don't believe Voldemort is dead? They think Harry is making it up? That he's insane like the Daily Prophet is saying?" She doesn't really need an answer to this; she knows how mean the children can be. Sirius shrugs again, an expression of defeat on his face. "Poor kid."

"And Umbridge is only making it worse, denying that Voldemort is back, claiming that the death of the Diggory kid was an accident. Not to mention she is teaching Harry's favourite subject and doesn't let them do any practical work. All they do is read from a book."

"No spell work at Defence against the Dark Arts? How can that be? All Hogwarts subjects consist of practical part and theory? DaDA being the most important of them! Remus!"

"What do you want me to do, Eva?"

"I don't know! Something! You were a professor weren't you? Can't you go and tell her she is a stupid cow?" Remus gives her a look that clearly states what he thinks of her state of mind. "Fine. You don't have to tell her anything. But couldn't you go and teach them on the side anyway? They need to learn. All of them."

"Eva, I can't be seen at Hogwarts. Umbridge hates all half-breeds. She is just waiting for an excuse to get rid of Dumbledore and if he supported a known werewolf that would be grounds for his dismissal. And you don't want a Hogwarts without Dumbledore. He is their best defence. He is Harry's best defence."

Eva rubs her palm over her face hard enough to leave red splotches behind. _Merlin, how can life be so unfair? How can kind and reasonable man like Remus Lupin be judged by one night a month?_ She can remember Lily how she raged and raved about the unfairness of wizarding laws. Eva agreed but she never felt as strongly as Lily. Eva never thought so much about this, never realized the practical repercussions of prohibitions that were stated by law. Lily had insight way beyond her years.

Eva clenches her shaking hands into fists under the table. She doesn't want them to see how it affected her. She doesn't want them to know she hadn't given this a thought for the last fourteen years. _You are a cold-hearted bitch, Marlowe._

"So there is nothing we can do? He just has to endure it? Just keep his head down?"

"For the time being," Remus confirms.

"Keeping his head down is not what Harry does best though. Apparently he has already told Umbridge what he thinks of her and her teaching methods. He has served a detention with her every night since his first DaDA class." There is an unmistakable hint of pride in Sirius' voice that Eva might appreciate more if she wasn't so worried.

"Every night?" Okay, so that reminded her more of James than anything else. "No wonder he is behind on homework. What does she make him do in detentions?"

"Apparently just lines. Pretty boring but I can think of worst punishments." Well, the Master of detentions would know.

"Fine. But if that _Umbitch_-" Both men chuckle at this. "-puts one finger on Harry-"

"She isn't going to hurt him, Eva. She is still a Hogwarts professor however bad one. Corporal punishment has been banned before our time." She does have to reluctantly agree with Remus.

"I guess you're right. Although there are other ways to hurt someone. We shouldn't underestimate the effect her words might have on Harry."

"I think all we can do is show our support. Write him as often as we dare so he knows he is not alone. It can make all the difference in the world reading a few kind words when one feels alone."

Eva can only guess he speaks from experience. _Did he save their old letters to draw strength from them when he needed it? Did he find comfort in reading his friends words? Did he feel like Lily is whispering in his ear or hear James' boisterous laugh?_ All Eva can remember of the old letters is the firewhisky drenched bonfire that almost resulted in her house burning down and her suffocating in her drunken haze.

"I guess we should do what we can. Even if it isn't nearly enough."

"Harry's been through worse. He can take this."

"Yes. But should he?" No one answers.

"You should also stop eating." At this Remus wrenches an empty box of chocolates from her clenched fingers. She looks on wide eyed as she can't remember picking it up. "At least get your own the next time. Merlin, how did you even manage the whole box? Aren't you sick?"

Eva shrugs helplessly.

"I was nervous. I eat when I'm nervous."

Remus growls something unintelligible before throwing the box back on the table and stalking off. Eva looks on in astonishment.

"That time of the month tomorrow," Sirius explains.

"Oh."

"I did warn you those were Remus'." Sirius looks more amused then anything but she can already feel the air getting stiff now that Remus has left them alone.

"I forgot how cranky he can get. Merlin."

After this she figures it's time to leave. They have exhausted the subject of Harry and none of them is ready to tackle anything else. It is all too painful to even think about and Eva is not fooled by this cease of fire. They might have managed to speak civilly. Most of the time. But one wrong word and they will be back to yelling into each other's face and they are both all too aware of this. There are too many unspoken issues laying underneath the surface for them to even begin to resolve anything. She is not sure they ever will. The only thing they both agree on is Harry's wellbeing. As soon as the past comes into play, Eva knows that her own overwhelming guilt might be the death of her. Even being in the room alone with him is a bittersweet kind of torture.

"If something happens to Harry…" She doesn't know how to finish the sentence. _Write to me?_

"Someone will notify you."

Right.


	6. Ghosts of her past

**Ghosts of her past**

Healer Eva Marlowe is Healer Aldridge's best employee. She is the best Healer he has ever seen and with her interest in combining muggle and magical emergency medicine she has long since surpassed his level of expertise. If she showed any kind of ambition or at least a morsel of interest she would had been made a Head of Emergency medicine department at St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries years ago. And he might have stepped down graciously only to return as a part-time healer when the retirement lost its appeal and his wife got sick of him. As it was Eva Marlowe simply didn't seem to care.

Healer Aldridge and Healer Marlowe maintained the decorum pertaining to superior and subordinate even if it has been a long time since anyone has called for Healer Aldridge when a complicated case came in or, even more telling, when one of the nurses brought in one of their kids with a marble stuck inside their nostril. Both of the Healers were aware of it but it was hard to hold a grudge towards Eva Marlowe when not a single gesture of hers could be read as arrogance and superiority. And though this might speak highly of her character Healer Aldridge has no illusions that she does it to spare his feelings. She does it because this course of action _or inaction_ requires the least effort of her. There is no need to invest herself in anything. In short, Eva Marlowe does not care.

Healer Aldridge cannot remember the last time Healer Marlowe asked for his advice. He remembers though when he still tried to guide her. The young Healer had listened, nodded at all the right places and then as soon as his back was turned proceeded to do things her own way without explanation. He was astounded at first, even enraged but there was no denying her expertise and soon it became clear Healer Marlowe would do what and how she saw fit or not do it at all. Arguing her only made him look stupid as Healer Marlowe never outright argued back nor did she change her highly effective methods no matter what he did. He heard the whispers and saw smirking faces of his colleges and he expected Healer Marlowe to look down upon him with a raised eyebrow and a disgusted curl of her lips. Instead all he got was an emotionless expression as she droned on her daily report on the patients. The bare minimum for the appearances' sake. One might think her docile and shy but Healer Aldridge knew the truth; Healer Marlowe couldn't be bothered to look down upon him.

Healer Aldridge can only guess what made a young woman this way, his first and best guess being the war. He never had the audacity to question her, though. And there had been no reason to inquire about her mental health. Not an official one, anyway. For various reasons Healer Aldridge chose to overlook when she came in smelling like a distillery or when a batch of hangover potions disappeared. She was a hard worker, cared about her patients, came to work on time, never called in sick and often covered his shifts. In fact, he has only her to thank, his marriage still exists. He has lost track of how many times has she covered his shift while he had one of his rendezvous, lied to his wife he has an emergency case or taken over at the minute's notice when his wife demanded he takes her to the luxury cruise or packs his bags. Never once has she later hinted at quid-pro-quo or searched for special favours. And not once has he thanked her for he was too ashamed to bring it up. Not that Healer Marlowe cared.

So it is to say Healer Aldridge is astounded when he sees Healer Marlowe, her brown curls escaping the knot on the top of her head and her lime-green healer robes billowing behind her, running full speed ahead, dodging obstacles, patients and staff only to stop in front of him.

"Healer Aldridge, I have gotten ill. I am going home. I trust you will cover my shift?"

Healer Marlowe has not come to ask his permission, that much is clear, no matter how polite she makes herself sound. Despite this, he does not even think of denying her, not only because he owes her a great deal of shift covering but also because refusing her or even simply questioning her would end all the pretence they had been maintaining. Healer Aldridge knows there is no use trying with bribes or emotional blackmail; Healer Marlowe will do as she pleases, no regrets and no fear for her job, not caring who looks on at them. She will play her part when she has to and it is convenient to both of them but she will not go out of her way just to make him look good. Once again he realizes, Healer Eva Marlowe does not care.

"Of- Of course, Healer Marlowe. Take all the time you need. I wish you a speedy recovery."

She nods distractedly and gives him a few instructions regarding her patients while running a hand through her already messy hair. Healer Aldridge has never seen Healer Marlowe like this before. He hasn't got enough time to analyse her but he realizes Healer Marlowe is rattled about something. He doesn't ask of course and all he is left to do is stand in the middle of the corridor, whishing good health to her back. One thing is for sure though; he has never seen an ill person run this fast. Maybe Healer Marlowe does care about something after all.

Eva Marlowe meanwhile spares little thought for her superior. Broderick Bode, an Unspeakable that works at the Department of Mysteries, where that blasted prophecy resides, has just been brought in to the St Mungo's emergency ward an hour ago, thinking himself a teapot. They cited a work accident, but Eva knows exactly what this means: she needs to see Dumbledore.

The emergency protocol states sending a Patronus to Albus Dumbledore is the right course of action. It says nothing of her Apparating to the gates of Hogwarts and hurriedly following her Patronus all the way to Dumbledore's office.

Albus Dumbledore's only reaction at seeing her barge into his office uninvited only minutes after her Patronus is a pair of amused knowing eyes. _Did he expect her? Did he know or was she just that predictable_? She has long since relinquished the deeply ingrained notion that Dumbledore was all-knowing but most often than not she needed to give herself a firm talking-to to remind herself. That blasted twinkle in his eyes didn't help any.

She is surprised to spend nearly an hour in Dumbledore's office giving report, cataloguing her knowledge and speculating on theories. She is kind of relieved she had been of some use and didn't have to explain her charging to Hogwarts on a whim. Sometimes she really lives-up to that Gryffindor reputation; reckless, impulsive and a complete disregard of rules. She winces almost hearing Snape's words in her head.

She is still not sorry she came. There had been only one thought in her head when she finished doing all she could do for Unspeakable Bode; she finally has a reasonable excuse to walk the halls of her former school where Harry Potter _(the boy that had not left her thoughts, not even or especially not after her talk with Remus and Sirius, for the last month)_ resided. In typical Gryffindor fashion she rushed into the situation not even once thinking how she is supposed to find one boy in a magical castle while avoiding anyone seeing her with the said boy. As the meeting comes to an end all she had managed to brainstorm is camping in front of the entrance to the Gryffindor tower under Disillusionment Charm hoping he has not already retired for the evening and counting on her luck that he will be by himself or at least not in a horde of students. _A full proof plan if she ever saw one._

"Eva?" Dumbledore stops her just as she is about to exit and put in action her well thought out plan. "If you were to pass through the fifth-floor, right corridor I believe you may come upon a lone student returning from his detention."

Her first thought is that Dumbledore has lost his mind, telling her about a random student. Her second thought is that she has been fooling herself; Albus Dumbledore is all knowing and he can read minds. Her third thought is screeched in her head, _another detention! _All she does though is nod and smile gratefully.

"Thank you."

Albus Dumbledore's eyes twinkle as he watches his former student exit his office smiling. It is not often she does it and at the moment a few short minutes of her time is all he can offer to his student, that he has already wronged in so many ways. Albus has learned in his first years of being a Headmaster, that worried mothers of his students, especially first years, will find any excuse good enough to storm to Hogwarts to check on their children. He has made it his mission to discourage such behaviour by removing any and all reason for them to feel as if their children were unsafe. Last years were proving difficult though. Harry Potter has never had anyone to write scathing letters to the Headmaster on his behalf though. This saddened him greatly as in his case there were actually many reasons _for_ those letters. He can only imagine Lily Potter's reaction if she were to find out her son came face to face with Voldemort under Albus' protection. She would have stormed into his office, smoke coming out of her ears as her eyes flashed green fire with her husband at her heels. James Potter would have looked practically _meek_ next to his wife's ire._ I am sorry, my dear girl. I failed you._

There is one thing he can do though. It will not diminish his guilt. But it will warm his heart. He can give Harry a few moments with Eva Marlowe. He would usually discourage this. He would reassure the parent or a guardian and sent them on their way. For Harry he makes an exception. He is his favourite student after all. Albus chuckles to himself. Severus would berate him for his leniency towards Harry. He would accuse him of favouring him and spoiling him. And he would be right of course. But the Headmaster already feels guilty enough. He has deprived Harry of many things already, mainly love and affection and if he can help make sure he gets a little dose if it now, he can't resist it. Eva Marlowe is capable of filling her heart with great love and warmth and giving it all to Harry. After all her own heart was once put together and filled with endless love by a red haired little girl that became Harry's mom.

His mind wanders back and he wonders like so many times before if he had made a mistake_. Had he deprived her of the chance to pull herself together too fast? Was she capable of getting on her feet without Lily?_ He didn't regret it in the years after Potters' deaths as he feared her mind has snapped unable to bare the grief. In hindsight, she had nothing and no one to fight for. Nothing to ground her. No responsibility that might pull her back to reality.

He remembers how he found her a few years after. He remembers the only thing that finally snapped some sense into her. It had been Albus telling her, drilling it into her messed up head, that time will come when Voldemort will rise again. Time will come when Harry will need her.

It doesn't do well to think of _what ifs_ and _what could have been's_. But he can give them a chance now in the present. He can give them some time to be a family.

* * *

Eva Marlowe finally takes notice of the hallways of Hogwarts as she leaves Dumbledore's office. The stone hallways seem empty but for her they are full of ghosts. Two black haired twelve-year-olds running down the hall, laughing madly, undoubtedly about some mischief they had caused. She can almost hear the patter of the feet behind her.

That niche behind the statue of the first headmaster of Hogwarts was where she got her first kiss. Gideon Prewett was a right charmer and along with his brother Fabian, a good friend later in her life. He was also a good choice for being a girl's first kiss. He was dead now but she can still hear his echoing laugh here at Hogwarts.

At the Library doors the ghost of Remus Lupin stands hesitatingly; torn between finishing his homework or going on an adventure with his friends. At the end, he rolls his eyes, whether that is at his friends' antics or at his own week will is not clear, and stalks away from the library, putting his books in his bag. Someone has to make sure they all don't get caught.

The red hair whips around the furious green eyed girl as she advances upon the bespectacled boy. The redhead is etched in every stone of this school. Every wall reverberates her voice and every shiny surface reflects her face. What is Hogwarts without Lily Evans but a prison of all her memories.

A ghostly hand reaches from that broom closet, catching her around the waist and the ghost of her younger-self's surprised gasp turns into a delighted chuckle as a familiar stubble settles in the crook of her neck.

She nearly doubles over in pain. That boy is dead. Even if a man sits, drowning his sorrows in a bottle of firewhisky at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, the boy is dead. She pushes the thought away with difficulty as Hogwarts threatens to swallow her whole. She shouldn't have come here.

Her ghosts disappear though, or at least quiet down for they never truly go away, as she comes upon a boy from flesh and blood. Harry Potter is so caught up in his thoughts he doesn't notice her approach. Anyone could just sneak up behind his back and whack him over his head. Or worse. She pushes down a flare of panic.

"Now what do we have here. A student out of bed." She imitates Filch, very poorly might she say as she can't keep laughter out of her voice. He jumps from the window sill he has been sitting on, anyway.

"Wha- Eva! What are you doing here?"

"Is that a polite way to greet your elder, Harry? If you don't want me here-" She is mocking him of course but the desperation with which he stops her makes her pause in alarm

"No! No, please-"

"Harry! I'm kidding. Calm down."

"Oh." He looks down embarrassed, his cheeks tinging red.

"Yeah. I went to see Dumbledore. Something about _you-know-what_." She whispers the last part as she is really not supposed to say even that much. But she wants to give him something at least and is rewarded with a curious glint in his eyes. "Anyway, I thought I'll see if I can run into you along the way. I heard Snuffles has been talking to you and you know I am not to be one-upped by him."

Harry snorts at this.

"You talked to him?" He asks worried. "Alone?"

"Yes, Harry, we talked. You don't have to sound so suspicious. We didn't fight. That much anyway. Besides, Remus was there for the most part."

"Oh. Wait, how did you find me here?"

"Dumbledore mentioned where I might run into you." Harry frowns at this confused and she raises her palms in defence. "I have no idea how he knew. He's just Dumbledore, I guess. Now, what do I hear about another detention? Again with that DaDA professor?"

Harry shakes his head and sighs more heavily than any fifteen-year-old has any right to.

"No. With Snape this time."

"What for?"

"Just… He makes me so mad sometimes. I should have kept my mouth shut and my temper in check." Even as he says it, his fists clench at his sides. Eva nods sympathetically and joins him at the window sill.

"Both of your parents had that problem. Keeping their tempers in check. Your dad most of the times spoke or acted without thinking things through and your mom's temper often got the better of her. Especially in the face of injustice. She didn't have a diplomatic bone in her body."

The hungry longing on Harry's face has become familiar to her but that didn't cease to throw her every time she saw it.

"I was her voice of reason at moments like these," she tells him, remembering her resolution to share more of herself with him. "Yeah, I looked like that too, when she told me that once. You saw, I am not the most level-headed person so your mom said when she saw my face, looking like I think she should be locked up in a padded room, it grounded her. Do your friends do that for you, Harry?"

Harry smiles sheepishly at this.

"I guess it's the same for me when Ron is staring at me like I am mental. He is way worse than me most of the times so it's pretty telling. We are both lucky to have Hermione by our side. Without her we would have probably both been dead by now or in her words, even worse: expelled."

"I think your mom would agree with her priorities."

"She loved Hogwarts?"

"She did. We all did, children without a home. For some of us, Hogwarts was the first real home we ever had. For muggleborns it was the first time in their lives they felt like they belong." Eva knows Harry can probably relate to all of this. "So, how was it for you? Coming to Hogwarts this year? I know you had your worries."

A strange expression crosses his face and without a moment's notice his face crumbles like he is about to burst into tears.

"Harry, Harry, what's the matter?" Alarmed she slides over to him, instinctively pulling him into a hug. For a single moment he leans into it before he breathes deeply, gritting his teeth and schooling his face back to normal. Eva is more than familiar with this technique; she uses it daily to keep her emotions in check. It doesn't mean his pain is gone. "Harry?"

He pushes away from the safety of her arms and looks away.

"It's nothing. Everything is okay."

"Harry, everything is clearly not okay."

"It is. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Yes, I imagine you do. I can read melancholy even in the lines of the rare letter you send. Harry? Come on, talk to me. Is someone hurting you? Should I-"

"No! No, no one is hurting me," he interrupts her, too quickly for her taste. "I am just… I have never felt so alone. Not here, at Hogwarts anyway. It has always been my home, even with all the things that kept happening to me. But this year… Everything is just so wrong. I feel like Hogwarts has left me down."

This heart-breaking rush of pure emotion nearly knocks her off her feet. _How much more can this boy take?_

"Your classmates don't believe you?"

"No. They think I am mad. That I'm making it all up. Which is fine, I'm used to this. But how do they think Cedric died? That I've gone mad and killed him?" His voice gets lauder and lauder the more he speaks.

"Harry, I am sure nobody actually thinks that." But Harry is beyond listening to reason now.

"And they all look at me as if they are afraid I'll kill them too. Even Dumbledore is avoiding me. It's no wonder, he probably regrets believing me. I made his life horrible. His credibility is shot to the curb."

"Harry, Dumbledore is only keeping his distance to protect you," she reassures him, more angry than ever at the Headmaster for his lack of tact. _Does he really need to add more on his plate?_

"He hasn't looked at me since the end of forth year." Harry averts his eyes and Eva curses Albus Dumbledore into the next century. "It's fine, you know. I understand. I just didn't expect…"

_To be disappointed by someone he trusts._

"Harry…" She wants to say something of comfort but what is there to say that doesn't sound hollow. She settles for rubbing her hand over his forearm.

"I wish Hagrid was here. I miss him. Hogwarts just isn't Hogwarts without him. He was the first friend I ever made." At the affection in Harry's voice all she wants to do is go and hug Hagrid.

"The first friend in the magical world you mean?" She asks with narrowed eyes.

"Right." He turns his head to look through the window over the Hogwarts grounds but she grips his chin lightly and turns his face so he has no choice but to look at her.

"You didn't have friends in the muggle world?" He tries to look away in shame but Eva doesn't let him. He shrugs.

"Not really. Nobody really wanted to talk to me. I was that weird kid. And nobody wanted to provoke Dudley, my cousin. He liked to beat up anybody that talked to me."

"What? Didn't your aunt and uncle do anything about this?"

"They couldn't always be there." She has a feeling he is not being entirely truthful. After all the things he has let slip in the past weeks, she is getting more and more suspicious.

"Did he beat _you_ up, too?"

"When he could catch me. Which wasn't all that often. He is really fat and I was fast." He grins at her but Eva doesn't feel like laughing. She actually feels like beating up somebody herself. "Really, it's fine." Everything seems to be _fine_ with him.

"Fine." She grumbles under her breath.

"I can handle Dudley. Umbridge on the other hand…" He hits his fist on the window sill angrily.

"I heard she is giving you a hard time."

"She is just so horrible. She keeps giving me detentions for telling the truth. She even managed to ruin Quidditch. I couldn't be at the try-outs because I had detention! She said Cedric's death was an accident! And we are not supposed to do any spells in class. All we do is read. As if that will help us any in real life. And when I told her this, she said we won't need to defend ourselves in the real world because there is nothing we should protect ourselves from! How can she be so stupid? How can the Ministry be so stupid?"

"I don't know, Harry. They are scared, I guess."

"Then they should start preparing as soon as possible!" She is almost happy to see the defiant glint in his eyes.

"I know but until people accept it, Harry… Please, try to pick your battles. Being in detention for the rest of the year will do you no good."

"I know. Professor McGonagall has already told me to keep my head down. And I try! I really do. But then she just says something horrible and I snap."

"You want me to go beat her up?" She offers and gets a surprised snort for her efforts.

"Can I watch?"

"Deal."

"You know I actually taught she might be Voldemort in disguise for a while." He shrugs at himself as Eva stiffens in panic. "Si- Snuffles assures me that is not the case though." _Snuffles assures her that too._ She chooses not to mention that._ "_That Dumbledore would know if Voldemort was at Hogwarts now that he's corporeal."

"Of course he would." The smile she gives him feels totally fake and she can see Harry look at her oddly. "What about those weird dreams, Harry? Do you still have them? Are you sleeping okay? You seem tired."

Like any teenaged boy, he seems uncomfortable discussing his night terrors. Eva, despite being in an unknown situation, lets instinct take over. She slides a thumb over his pale cheekbone right under thin, purple skin under his eye. His shoulders sag.

"This whole month has been hell. Because of those detentions I had so much work to make up to, that I hardly had time to sleep. And I've always had nightmares. This year they are just more frequent and more… alive."

"It's no wonder after everything that you went through last year. If you ever want to talk about it…" She prompts him gently and he nods but doesn't elaborate. "But you need to sleep, Harry. Sleep deprivation causes all our issues to look bigger, problems harder to solve. It will make you more emotional then usually, harder to manage your anger. Your brain and your body need its rest; only then do they function properly."

"I know. And I try, I really do."

"What are you doing here then, in the middle of the cold corridor instead of catching up on your sleep? Or homework. Whichever is more important at the moment."

He hesitates, reluctant to say anything but surrenders at her unrelenting stare.

"I just needed a moment to myself. Away from everyone."

"I understand. Sometimes we all need some time by ourselves. But Harry, listen. There is only one piece of viable advice that I can give you. Keep your friends close. In the end, what Hogwarts is, is a group of people making it your home. And you have the best friends anyone could ask for. Don't forget that. Your classmates will come around sooner or later and see how wrong they were to shun you, Dumbledore only has your best interests in mind even as he is crap at showing it, Hagrid should return any day now, you are still on the Quidditch team even if you had to miss the try-outs, the Ministry can't stick their heads in the sand forever and the era of Umbitch- I mean Umbridge shall pass, too as history tells us none of the DaDA professors lasts more than a year." They both chuckle at this and Eva is relieved to see his eyes light up. "The point is; Hogwarts will never stop being your home. You just have to remember that there are still people here that love you, want the best for you and represent the very home you seem to miss so much."

Harry swallows a lump in his throat as his eyes glisten suspiciously. He opens his mouth to say something but ends up biting his lip in hesitation.

"What is it, Harry? You can tell me anything."

"It's just that for the first time I have people outside of Hogwarts too. There's Snuffles and Remus and… you. And I want to spend time with you too. I feel… conflicted, pulled in different directions."

He gives her an unsure glance and Eva feels like crying. She gives him an one-armed hug and settles close to him. She can't resist ruffling his messy hair.

"That, my dear Harry, is what I am told is called homesickness."

"Homesickness?" His voice is full of doubt and wonder.

"Yes. A perfectly normal reaction for a student staying somewhere away from people who love him."

"Oh."

"Yes. Your dad told me this once."

"He did?"

"When I asked him what he was so happy about on the last day of school. He was the only person I knew that had normal parents."

"And my mom?"

"Her parents were okay but her sister… Let's just say she wasn't looking forward to spending a whole summer with Petunia."

"I can relate."

"I know." She grits her teeth but manages to not say anything. She can't help but tighten the hand around his shoulders though.

Harry gives her a curious look and she braces herself for the next question that is surely going to be about her own parents but either Harry is still not totally at ease asking her personal questions or can feel her mounting anxiety, he just settles back into her half hug without saying anything.

For a few minutes they just sit in companionable silence as a ghost of red-headed girl smiles approvingly at them.

"Umbitch?" Harry asks suddenly, remembering her slip-up.

She shrugs not repentant at all.

"You probably shouldn't call her that to her face. You don't want any more detentions."


	7. Bone-tired

**Author's note: **First of all, thank you all who had taken the time to read my story. And a special thanks to all who had left me a review. It is always nice to see your story appreciated even if I started writing it mostly because I needed to get it off my chest. This particular chapter was especially hard to write. It didn't seem to have that "flow" if you know what I mean, so I am sorry if it feels forced. There were some things that needed to be said and I needed to really establish how hard it is for Sirius and Eva to actually communicate and how bitter they are to say some things when they are essentially good people. Hope the next chapter goes more smoothly though.

**Bone-tired**

Remus Lupin knows he should be thrilled to have at least some of his friends back. And he is. In theory. In practice, Sirius and Eva are such high maintenance, he is not really sure how he feels about them even being in the same room together. He makes it his mission to arrive early to the headquarters on the day of the meeting to remind Sirius to change into something presentable and not smelling of firewhisky and plies him with coffee until he resembles a human being again. He had his selfish fantasies about how Eva could be the one to take over those responsibilities, but those were soon squashed in a spectacular display. Furthermore, Eva Marlowe couldn't be trusted to keep anyone sober, least of all herself.

A loud thump is heard from the entry hall all the way to the basement kitchen where Remus is closing down the pantry much to Sirius' displeasure. They don't give the noise much thought, thinking it's probably just Tonks. A moment later the old hag starts to scream obscenities. Sirius rolls his eyes and Remus sighs heavily. They silently challenge each other as to who's turn it is to go close the curtains when another voice joins the screaming.

"Shut up, you, old hag! I wasn't afraid of you when you were alive, I'm not about to listen to you now that you're dead!"

"Is that Marlowe?" asks Sirius, titling his head like a dog he is, to hear better. A blood-chilling scream comes from the portrait of Sirius' mother (way worse than usual if that is possible). Remus doesn't answer as he charges up the stairs with Sirius at his heals. A sight that greets them makes Remus stare in shock. Eva Marlowe has her nails furiously scratching off the surface of the portrait right where the face of the horrible woman is painted while Kreacher wails miserably as he hangs off her robes clawing at her hands to stop her. Remus rubs the bridge of his nose as Sirius laughs loudly and is of absolutely no help in diffusing the situation.

It is a while before Remus manages to haul Eva away from the painting, send Kreacher somewhere he is not seen or heard and close the curtains of the screaming portraits along the hall. When all is over and the hall is silent again, Sirius is still snorting while he leans on the banister and Eva stumbles away from Remus looking at her bloodied fingernails.

"Should have used an axe," she mutters resentfully and Remus is pretty sure Sirius is making notes of her words. At Remus' insistence they all move towards the basement again. Eva misses a stair, stumbles forward into Sirius' back and both of them roll downwards in a spectacular tangle of limbs. Remus looks down in horror and considers locking the door behind them and leaving them to kill each other. He wants to laugh; not because he thinks it funny but in a desperate fit of hysteria.

Eva lands heavily on her butt, her legs spread out in front of her like a toddler that is just learning to walk. She looks around confused, her eyes landing on the magnificent black dog that has landed on all fours besides her. Her lower lip trembles.

"Padfoot!" She exclaims happily, throwing her arms around the dog and burying her face into his fur. The dog stiffens at first, then for a moment maybe even revels in the hug before jumping away and transfiguring back into an incredulous man. Eva watches open-mouthed.

"What the hell, Marlowe?!" His friend's angry yell is enough to get Remus moving even if Eva is still sitting on the floor, displaying no signs of getting up.

"Eva? Are you okay? You _know_ that Sirius is an animagus." He says it as a statement but still kind of unsure.

"I know," She whispers softly. "I just. I guess I forgot…"

Not paying her any heed, Sirius talks over her angrily.

"Of course she knows! She has seen me turn a hundred times. What are you playing at?"

"Knock it off, Sirius! She was just confused. Right? Eva?" She nods but she is actually only half aware what she is nodding to.

Eva Marlowe hadn't had the easiest week. All those ghosts she has awakened at Hogwarts had refused to leave her alone, haunting her waking and sleeping mind.

Over the years she has developed a series of coping mechanisms, that have kept them away. Otherwise she would have lost her mind years ago. She has learned to push her memories away. All of them. The bad and the good. Especially the good as the paralyzing, almost physical pain of a sudden realization of what was no more, was even worse. So, she has trained herself not to think of her past. She only needed to distract her brain and cut herself off whenever her mind strayed. The easiest way was to work endlessly and in between fry her brain with alcohol, drugs and sex. It has worked flawlessly for the last fourteen years.

The week after her visit to Hogwarts has proved a challenge. Fortunately for her, a large portion of St Mungo's personnel has been inflicted by a magical flu thus rendering them useless, delusional, disgusting and sent home. (Eva herself can't remember ever getting sick. She figures her body is thoroughly disinfected by all the alcohol she has consumed in her lifetime.) She has picked up as many shifts as possible, worked doubles and took over extra patients from other wards. She took naps in between in the hospital on-call room and gulped down an enormous amount of Pepper-up potions to keep her awake. And she has not consumed a single drop of alcohol this whole time. Not that she needed it as the mind-numbing exhaustion made up for it.

Unfortunately for her, the unexpected notice about an Order meeting came on the day a hospital administrator came to tell her she has clocked a triple amount of maximum allowed hours in a single week and is to leave the premises immediately before she kills somebody or worse: some overzealous ministry employee comes to harp on them about worker exploitation.

In her state, two shots of firewhisky after she leaves work are enough to practically do a face plant onto the table. Later she can't really recall how she got from the pub to The Grimmauld place, can only faintly remember scratching the face off that painting and even the spectacular fall down the stairs could be easily forgotten if not for a variety of painful bruises. It is with sharp clarity though, that she remembers the feel of thick fur in her grip and the smell of wet dog in her nostrils.

A long forgotten but still familiar feeling of comfort washes over her. For a moment the constant weight in her gut, that she hadn't even realized was there, lifts and she breathes. Breathes for what feels the first time in years. Bare a few tufts of hair, Padfoof, contrary to Sirius, still looks the same. Feels the same. And most importantly raises the same feelings in her.

All too soon the moment passes and she is left with the feeling of the floor dropping from beneath her feet. One look at Sirius' angry face and the illusion is gone.

_What was she thinking?_ But she knows what she was thinking. She knows what she was feeling. She hasn't developed a sudden bout of amnesia. She has always known that Sirius was an animagus. She knows _rationally_ that Padfoot and Sirius Black are the same person. Has always known, as the first time she has seen the dog, he transfigured right in front of her. She knows with perfect clarity that what Padfoot sees, Sirius sees and Sirius knows. But despite that she never could help but separate the two in her mind. It seemed as if Padfoot always knew when she needed a hug and she never shied away from cuddling him to her chest when her heart beat against her ribs painfully. She could drop her defences around the dog easily but only did so around Sirius when she got desperate enough for her feelings to boil over. _Now what does that say about their relationship? Dysfunctional to the core._

Trying to re-enact that feeling she got when she saw Padfoot, she stares at Sirius but can only spot an enraged lunatic. No trace of sad eyes soothing her ache. His lip curls and she knows the disgust is reflected in the depths of her own eyes. The hollowness she has been living in feels bigger than ever.

She watches almost passively as Remus sits her at the table, cleans her bloodied fingernails and checks for broken bones. He puts a cup of coffee in front of her but the smell alone makes her want to hurl all over the huge table in front of her_. A hangover bad enough to make coffee smell bad? Did she drink more than she remembers?_

She leans her forehead on her fist, turning her nose away.

"You should drink it, Eva. You don't look all that well."

"M'fine," she mutters trying not to open her mouth and pushes the cup away with the back of her hand.

"You don't look fine. Would you like a cup of tea instead?" he asks and she agrees reluctantly. She has never been much for tea but right then it might be the only thing her stomach tolerates. _What's wrong with her?_

She sips her tea slowly while her face rests on the palm of her hand as her neck doesn't seem strong enough to support her head. _When is the last time she slept? When is the last time she took a Pepper-up potion?_

"Eva? Did you hit your head or something?" She thinks about it but her head is pounding anyway so how can she be sure.

"It is called a hangover, Remus. Nobody has ever died from it. And she's a pro at it." Sirius sneers at her loftily but she has got no energy for twelve rounds in a ring with him. Remus gives him a warning glare and Sirius just snorts hatefully.

"I'm just very tired, Remus." Her words come out haltingly and make Remus frown harder. "Really. I took a lot of extra shifts. After the meeting I'll-" She cuts herself off as she realizes there is no way she can make it through the meeting in this state. Every bone in her body hurts, her limbs feel heavy and her eyelids positively ache at the light touch of her fingers. There is no way she can sit upright for a few more hours. Much less take anything in. And it could be important. "Actually. Could you bring me a Pepper-up from the emergency supply? I'll replenish it later."

"I don't know, Eva. I think it would be better if you simply went to sleep."

"I know. You're right. And I will. After the meeting. I just need the potion to hold me over for a few hours. I don't want to miss the meeting. Please?"

Remus complies, albeit hesitatingly, and although she feels better immediately, the potion does not have the potency it should. She can still feel weariness in her body and her mind isn't as clear as it should be. She really has overdone it this time. _Haven't you figured out a few weeks ago that you are getting old, Marlowe?_

They sit in silence then. For what feels hours. And she wonders how they came to be like this. How silly she is as there is nothing to wonder. Lily and James died, Peter betrayed them, Sirius went to prison and she and Remus believed him a traitor. It is not rocket science. Guilt eats at her insides. Not just for believing him guilty of betraying their friends. But for resenting him. _How can she, even for a moment, resent him for not looking at her with fondness? How can she expect him to feel anything but disgust at the sight of her? _And this is exactly why she works herself into exhaustion most of the days. Or drinks herself silly. So, she can live with herself.

Sitting in silence, with only her thoughts as a company, makes her want to rip her hair out.

"I saw Harry," she volunteers. That catches both men's attention.

"Where?" Sirius demands and she considers being petty and not say anything further._ Hadn't she just a few seconds ago despaired about that horrible guilt she feels about him? _

"At Hogwarts."

"You went to Hogwarts to see him?" Sirius seems agitated, ready for confrontation and even Remus looks apprehensive.

"I went to see Dumbledore for Order business and took a detour." Eva defends herself even as she doesn't think they have the right to interrogate her like this.

"Does Dumbledore know?" Remus treads carefully at the same time as Sirius scoffs at her: "I bet you just jumped at any opportunity to go see him, didn't you?"

The turmoil of emotions boils over at this and she jumps on her feet yelling shrilly.

"Of course I jumped at the opportunity to see him! I have every right to see him!"

"Do you? And who gives you the right?" His permanent mocking scoff irks her to no end. It is the voice he used to practice on Slytherins. On Death Eaters. On his family. On his brother. She just wants to shake him hard enough to make him realize she is not the enemy. "You are not his relative. And you are not his Godmother."

The poisonous arrow right to her heart makes her tremble with pain and rage.

"How- How dare you?! You know- You of all people know that Lily wanted me to be his guardian!"

"Curious, how she never got around to appointing you, isn't it?" She knows he is saying all of this with one purpose only; to pour salt on her open wounds. He achieves his goal easily.

"There was no time for this. They had to go into hiding." But he is not listening to her.

"Even more curious, how you never showed any interest in taking him in after they died."

"As you pointed out, I was not his legal guardian." Eva has finally stopped screaming only to speak through clenched teeth.

"They are other ways." His mocking scoff changes into an angry snarl.

"What was I supposed to do? Kidnap Harry Potter?"

"If necessary."

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"They are other ways to-"

"I wasn't fit to be anyone's guardian!" She yells, suddenly sick of this conversation. "Is that what you wanted to hear? He was better off without me! He was safe and taken care off." Even as she says it, Harry's words come back to her and a spot of doubt picks at her brain. "And I-," She just wants to shock him into silence. "When Dumbledore found me I laid on a bar, half dressed as a bunch of men did body shots off me and a snorted coke off someone's dick."

For some time only her ragged breathing is heard in the otherwise silent kitchen. She can feel her energy draining and can only hope the Pepper-up lasts till the end of the meeting.

"So I was right, wasn't I? All you managed to do in the last fourteen years was drink and fuck around?" She is caught between sadness and anger that even in that moment, when she has bared him her very soul and humiliated herself, he has to push her face even lower into the mud. She forcefully stills her trembling lip. Anger. Anger doesn't make her fall apart.

"Yeah Sirius, you were right. You happy?" She doesn't wait for him to answer. "But I will do anything to make it up to him now. And I will visit him if I want. Even if I have no reason at all. And I don't care what any of you have to say about it. I don't care what Dumbledore has to say about it. And for your information he did know I went to see Harry. Practically pointed me in his direction."

"And how was Harry?" Remus asks carefully, daring to open his mouth.

"Sad. He was sad." She snarls at them and then sits down, angrily crossing her arms over her chest, her head turned away and refuses to budge even when other members start to arrive. Opposite her, Sirius sits, his chair tilted away from the table in exactly the same position. Remus wishes he hadn't closed off that pantry.

Remus shrugs at Tonks' raised eyebrows but otherwise nobody comments on the tense atmosphere. They have all learned is best not to ask or they might just be dragged into it.

The meeting starts off slowly as everyone drones on their reports and it's not just Eva's eyelids that are dropping. The meeting picks-up when it is Mundungus Fletcher's time to report.

"Now the reason for this emergency meeting before you all fall asleep." Dumbledore chuckles and there are a lot of embarrassed sniggers around the table. "As you know, Mundungus has been keeping an eye over Hogsmeade and there has been a development you should be aware off. If you would, please?"

"So, ahem. This Saturday a was at Hog's Head having a spot of… butterbeer. It was Hogwarts' weekend so it is not unusual for a lone student to come to the pub to brood in silence. But usually they prefer The Three broomsticks. So when Fred and George came in, I thought nothing of it. They are always up to something." Molly hardly manages to stifle an indignant yelp. "And then two girls joined them and I thought I'm looking at a very awkward double date. And then another boy came and another two girls and soon there was like something over twenty people there, sitting around a table and it was starting to look more like an orgy then a double date." A few people snort as Molly berates Mundungus for talking like this about her children.

"Anyway, just as I thought that was about it, who shows up but our young mister Potter with Weasley and Granger in tow." Eva sits up straighter at the mention of Harry and she can see most of the table do the same. "Or it was more like Weasley and Granger came and Potter dragged his feet behind them. It was clearly a so called secret meeting and Granger was in charge. Although someone should really give her some pointers about espionage. Anyway, Granger might have been in charge but at the end it was up to Potter. They have founded some kind of Defence Association and he will teach his classmates Defence against the Dark Arts because Umbitch, their words not mine," Sirius and Remus send weird glances at Eva that she ignores, "refuses to teach them anything useful. There was a lot of fighting through it, Potter wasn't really enthusiastic and there was some talk about last year but at the end they all agreed on participating and keeping it a secret and signed their names on a piece of parchment Granger brought. She was quite adamant that they all sign, now that I think about it. Huh, maybe she has potential after all."

Eva rubs her palm over her chest where a strange weight has settled. She notices Molly's face, worry for the children etched into every line. All the others seem to think nothing of it.

Dumbledore interrupts Mundungus's musings about Hermione's potential for a hustler.

"As everything in Hogwarts the meeting has become public knowledge. It seems that Umbridge had her own spies in Hog's Head. On Monday the Ministry banned all unapproved student groups. To my knowledge Harry and his classmates have chosen to ignore the ban."

At once a cacophony of voices breaks out.

"That's dangerous! You have to speak to Harry, Albus. And forbid all this. They could get expelled. Or interrogated by the Ministry." Molly.

"All student groups? Even Quidditch?" A horrified Bill.

"That's my boy. I knew he had it in him to be a rebel." An undisguised pride, mixed with a desire to cause mischief, pours from Sirius.

"Typical Potter. No regards for rules. Always thinking the world revolves around him and getting in the way." His bitterness, the Snape.

"He was the best DaDA student I have ever taught." A Professor in Remus Lupin beams dreamily.

Eva Marlowe sits at the table, her nails drawing half-moons into her palms, not saying anything. Dumbledore is staring at her unblinkingly and she stares back with a blank expression. He is not saying anything, not answering any of the complaints or diffusing the fighting that is about to ensue. When he speaks, his voice is quiet but everybody still shuts up.

"And what do you think, Eva?" All eyes turn to her but she is not nervous. She is devastated. And disappointed.

"I think, once again we have failed him. We have failed the boy entrusted into our care. I told him, begged him, before he went to Hogwarts to turn to an adult if he had any problems. But of course he cannot do that. Once again he has to salvage the situation himself because the adults have failed him. His guardians, his teachers and the Ministry. All there to protect him, to guide him also the ones trying to quiet him down and hurt him."

"Don't be dramatic, Marlowe," Snape scoffs at her. "Potter manages to get into these situations all by himself. He could just keep his head down and leave the adults to deal with the situation. But no. Potter always has to go running around, causing trouble and making my life difficult."

Sirius is bound to jump over the table and strangle him any time now but Eva doesn't give him the chance as she leans forward in her chair and rounds on Snape.

"And why do you think that is? Have you given him any reason to trust you? Have you given him a reason to think you'll solve a single trouble instead of him? Have any of you?" She glares at the faces around her. "And do you really think his world revolves around you? Do you think he sits in his bed at night thinking of ways to make you miserable? Don't judge others by yourself, Severus."

In periphery she catches Sirius smirking and she can't help but give him a piece of her mind, too.

"And you? You are even worse. I know what you're thinking; sneaking around the halls at night behind the Professors' backs, laughing through the exciting adventure and rebelling against the authority. But think about Harry. Really think about him and what you know about him. The real him and not some distorted version of him concocted up in your head! And tell me he wouldn't be more pleased sitting in a classroom with a competent DaDA Professor and being a normal boy instead of leading a rebellion. Tell me that if you can!" She doesn't wait for him to argue as he is bound to (they had fought enough for one day) but turns to Remus then who is already looking ashamed like he knows exactly what she is about to say. "I told you, didn't I? Someone should teach those kids in secret. And we have waited for Harry to take this responsibility off our hands."

"She's right, Albus," Molly pitches in. "You have to stop this."

"But he can't, Molly." Eva says it with finality.

"But you just said-"

"He can't. Not only because these kids really need to learn. But because they also need this sense of community. They need a common enemy. And if for the time being this cannot be Voldemort then for this purpose Umbridge is just as good. Am I right, Albus?"

She tries to hide a touch of resentment as she addresses the Headmaster but his sad smile tells her she was unsuccessful. He gives them a slow nod.

"You are quite right, Eva. I am afraid that Hogwarts has become a right dreary place since the arrival of Dolores Umbridge. And I think this might be good for Harry, too. I have a feeling it might lift his spirits."

Eva clenches her teeth and jams her lips together, physically preventing herself from speaking but Dumbledore challenges her and she can't resist.

"You have more to say, Eva? Don't hold back on my account."

"So, are we finally acknowledging the despair Harry must be feeling. Or was I the only one who noticed those angry outbursts in the summer?"

"Do we really need to discuss Potter's emotional state and his childish tantrums?" Snape's drawl interrupts her.

"Yes, we do and you have just demonstrated perfectly, why. You treat him like a child. You don't tell him anything. You give him nothing to hold onto." Here she turns to Dumbledore. "And then you expect him to take it like an adult. You expect an emotional response of an adult. You don't look at him. You don't speak to him. And you expect him to understand. You expect him to just know and respect why you don't speak to him. Do you know what he thinks? Do you? He thinks you regret taking his side. That you don't believe him. That you hate him because the public has turned against you."

The grave expression on Dumbledore's face almost makes her regret her words. He looks suddenly old.

"How I regret that it must be like this. But at the moment there is nothing to be done. I trust you told him-"

"I tried to reassure him the best way I knew but… The angry distrustful boy inside him will doubt until proven wrong. And maybe beyond. So, that's what I think, Albus. We have failed him."

The silence in the kitchen is thick with emotion after she finishes. Eva feels drained to the core and she knows she won't last much longer. Now that the adrenaline has let go and all the potion must be out of her system, she can hardly move a single muscle. Even her mouth is hanging slightly open as her jaw seems too heavy to lift. Her skin burns even as cold sweat runs down her back.

"Are we done now?" Dumbledore adjourns the meeting and everybody starts to move in various directions, murmuring quietly. By sheer need to get the hell out of there, Eva pulls herself to her feet and teeters towards the stairs where thankfully she can grip the walls for support and pull herself upwards.

Predictably Molly and Remus try to stop her. She just knows Molly won't let her leave like this. She looks around desperately and her saviour as always comes in the form of Remus Lupin.

"Come on. I'll walk you out." He says it with determination that brooks no objection. _Oh, Remus._ He knows she can't deal with Molly Weasley at the moment.

"Eva, are you sure-" He knows it is useless but he still wants to make sure she is okay before he lets her out of his sight.

"I'm fine, thanks, Remus." She rushes her words, doesn't look at him and then slams the door behind her. She stumbles down the street with heavy steps, wishes that anxiety to disperse or explode or come out in tears but all that comes out are the contents of her stomach on the sidewalk.

Adding up all the symptoms; delusion, fever, painful bones and sickness, Eva Marlowe comes to an unthinkable conclusion; she has caught the magical flu.


	8. Of clothes and nightmares

**Of clothes and nightmares**

Sirius Black looks young in his Dreamless Sleep potion induced sleep. Younger anyway. _His age_, Eva realizes. For he is not actually as old as she perceives him to be. He is still a young man, only thirty-five years of age. They all are thirty-five; Sirius, Remus, her, Severus. A generation of old souls in battered bodies. It sounds melodramatic but that's how Eva feels. Sometimes she even forgets she isn't a sixty-year old. She is still young enough to get married, have children, buy a dog. _It never even crosses her mind. _

Sirius sleeps unaware of her musings. His features had softened in his sleep and his accusing haunted eyes are hidden under his eyelids. A strand of black hair sticks to his feverish forehead. He looks like a boy. Eva turns away from the sight abruptly. Something rises in her chest threatening to erupt but she pushes it down.

A movement in her periphery at the other wall of the darkened bedroom startles her and she gasps in fear before realizing it is her own reflection. She closes her eyes and tries to settle her racing heart. There is something weird about her reflection and as she approaches slowly she can see that the mirror is broken. She wonders why anyone would leave it broken and not use _Reparo_ on it. She examines the lines and traces their paths to where they all congregate. A few pieces are missing there and the surrounding ones have specks of blood on them. She has no doubt that it was Sirius' fist that did the damage. If she closes her eyes she can almost see it happen. She doesn't judge. She knows how it is, not wanting to see your own face. Despite this she examines her reflection in the mirror. Her face looks distorted where the lines cross. It seems almost fitting. Her eyes are dull, washed out as they always are. Her hair is greasy and limp, her forehead has a layer of unwashed sweat over it, her lips are cracked, her cheeks hollow and her eyelids swollen. The petechiae under her eyes tell a story of continuous alcohol abuse. It is one ugly picture.

Of course it doesn't help that she has been suffering through the magical flu for the last week. She hasn't really been washing up or eating. Actually she has done nothing but sleep and suffer through feverish nightmares and hallucinations. Thankfully she cannot remember much of her nightmares. Oh, there are all the usual suspects as she has enough material to last her a lifetime of night terrors but the details escape her conscious mind. One scene stays with her though.

She dreams of Johnathan and that surprises her. She cannot think of anything that would provoke that. She hasn't been thinking about him. It doesn't mean she doesn't remember him every once in a while. But she got over him a long time ago. She got over what he did. She talked about it, screamed in apoplectic rage and cried out her heart over it. And she let go of the anger and guilt. She has forgiven him. _Hasn't she?_ She hasn't had dreams about him since she was a schoolgirl. Although they are not the same horrifying nightmares she used to wake up from in cold sweat. Those are simple dreams. All she can see is an impish smile on his youthful face as he leans through the doorway. There is nothing sinister about that smile. Nothing foreboding. Nothing sorrowful. No emotions to tell, he is about to ruin all of their lives. And that's all that stays with her when the rest of her dreams fade away; Johnathan's smile.

Eva really hopes that Johnathan will disappear along with the illness. She has been hit really hard with the flu, mostly due to the fact that she has been in denial about it for days. When she should already be resting, she kept pushing through, ignoring her symptoms and downing Pepper-up potions which was counterproductive in actually healing the flu and only prolonged the recovering period. When it all came after her, she was out of commission for a week. She would actually still be in her bed if not for Remus' Patronus.

"_Come now! Order headquarters. Healer Emergency!"_

She makes a mental note to kick Remus in the shin the next time she sees him. Healer Emergency to her meant: come now, someone is bleeding to death, no time to change out of your pyjamas. So she has jumped out of her messy bed, a bout of dizziness hitting her so hard she nearly collapsed back into her bed. She downed a Pepper-up, knowing it will set her recovery further back, but if there was an emergency she needed a clear head. And an ability to stand on her feet. She took a second to throw her hair into a messy unwashed ponytail, grabbed her medical bag and was out of her door. She hadn't even thought about brushing her teeth, much less showering or changing her days old clothes.

"_Sirius has the flu. He is really bad off. I can't be here. Mission for the Order."_

Remus Lupin was out of the door before she had even managed to splutter indignantly. _Oh, he was going to get it when she got her hands on him._ Magical flu was a truly terrible and disgusting disease. Eva wouldn't wish it on anyone. And she would not even consider leaving a patient on their own as the hallucinations were pretty severe and someone needed to administer potions and fluids. (She conveniently ignores the fact that she herself has stubbornly refused to contact anyone in that regard.) But this was not a _-drop what you are doing, no time to put socks on-_ healer emergency. No, this was a _-shower, put on a bra, brush your teeth and come soon- _un-emergency.

Eva averts her eyes from the revolting sight in the mirror and examines the rest of her body. The sight is not much better. Her bare feet are stuffed into a pair of dirty pink trainers, that are rubbing uncomfortably at her ankles. The thin beige t-shirt clings to her every curve and accentuates her nipples that are protruding through the thin cloth. Her black leggings had also seen better days. There is a hole on her right knee and although she cannot see it, she knows the worn fabric that stretches across her arse is see-through. She has worn those clothes for Merlin knows how many days and the smell of stale sweat makes her gag._ Really, Marlowe, was it worth it? Was it worth it not calling anyone? Are you proud for braving this herself? Is there pride in wallowing in your own filth?_ Self-reflection is a bitch. But there is nowhere to hide from it; fully awake and nothing to distract her.

She needs a shower. And a change of clothes. And a toothbrush. Urgently. Before the Pepper-up loses its effects. She knows her energy will drain then and she will put all her efforts into helping Sirius. She takes stock of the bedroom which is a total mess of dirty clothes, linens, letters, broken artefacts, mouldy dishes and empty bottles. There is a pile of blankets on the floor at the far corner of the bedroom, oddly bunched up and then flattened against the floor. She grits her teeth and tries not think about why it is there. If she gives it too much thought, she may just shatter into tiny pieces. The only thing that looks clean and neat is the bed Eva has made a few minutes ago and the person sleeping in it soundly. She knows he will sleep peacefully for a few hours after the potions she gave him.

Her first instinct is to start cleaning the room but the gesture seems too personal and domestic. She doesn't mind taking care of him, doesn't mind giving him medicine, taking his temperature, making him tea, changing his bed and his clothes. It all falls into realm of healing and nursing a patient. But cleaning his room seems different. So she lets it be. She makes a note to get rid of those mouldy dishes, though. She wrinkles her nose in disgust.

Shower first though.

An hour later she stands in front of the mirror in the bathroom down the hall from Sirius' bedroom. She feels much better after she has scrubbed the dirt of her body and shampooed her hair three times. She looks better too as the mirror comments. She is not ugly, not really. She knows that. With some effort she can make herself downright beautiful. Puts some make-up on, uses foundation to hide her marred skin, balsam on her lips, ice to reduce the swelling of her eyes and curls her hair just so. But she knows that it doesn't really matter as at the end of the day as her make-up washes off, her hair will have no lush and her eyes will still be dead.

Tired of her own face, she turns away, grabbing a pile of dirty clothes from the floor. She Scourgifies them a few times but soon declares them a lost cause. She would rather parade around in the towel she is currently wrapped in than put those clothes back on. Barefoot and shivering she runs down the hallway, nervously glancing around. But the house seems utterly abandoned. Not even Kreacher has made his presence known. Sirius sleeps in the same position she has left him and Eva breathes a sigh of relief.

In quest to find some clean clothes she approaches Sirius wardrobe. This feels very personal too but there is no way she is putting those disgusting clothes back onto her showered body. She shivers in disgust. His wardrobe is as messy as his bedroom but at least clothes in there seem clean. She blindly reaches into the closet, trying to find something she likes to the touch. Finally, she pulls out something cashmere like. The grey sweater feels like heaven to her cold body as she pulls it over hear head. She runs her palms over the fabric down the sides of her torso. Just as she is about to try her luck again in search of some pants, she takes notice of a discoloured stain on the sleeve. She brings her hand closer to her face to identify the stain, hoping it is not something disgusting.

"_Why are you wearing my sweater?"_

"_What are you talking about? You gave it to me because I was cold. Remember, after I was forced to sit on the pavement for two hours in the middle of nowhere so you could fix that bloody bike of yours!"_

"_That was yesterday!"_

"_I am still cold."_

"_Well, maybe you wouldn't be cold if you didn't stuff your face with ice-cream! In my sweater. You are going to ruin it!"_

"_I am not going to ruin your precious- Oh, oops?"_

"_Eva!"_

"_I'll just take it off. You do like it best when I take my clothes off."_

Eva practically rips the sweater off her body in panic. She throws it into the closet and slams the door with force, (like something is about to escape), leaning her forehead on it and trying to control her gasps. _Of all the bloody sweaters!_ She gives up on wearing Sirius' clothes right away. Anything she pulls out of the closet is bound to come with a story attached. And she can't take it. _If she lets the nostalgia take over… She will not survive the fall back into reality._

She pushes the memory away and leaves the bedroom, hardly glancing at Sirius. Next room she comes upon is Regulus'. She is not sure this is any better but at least she is certain she never wore any of his clothes. Regulus' room is completely different then Sirius' and is apparent that Kreacher still takes care of it. There is not a single sock out of order and it looks like Regulus was here just yesterday. Like just yesterday he returned from Hogwarts. His room is a room of a school boy. Another child she has failed. _Merlin, she really shouldn't be this stone cold sober for this._

She opens his closet to find his school uniforms and robes dangling from the hangers. She runs her hand over the sleeve of a black robe as a silky green and silver tie slips through her fingers and pools at her feet. She stares at the tie for who knows how long, seeing his long fingers fidgeting with the knot at his throat as he sits opposite her at the library table, a rare mischievous smile playing at his lips.

"_Green would look good on you, Marlowe. Want to try it on? I would love to see a look on my brother's face. He is sure to blow a gasket." _

She leaves the room quietly. Still in her towel. At this point she is contemplating just leaving it at that. There is still one option left and though it revolts her to put on anything that woman has worn, she still enters Walburga Black's room. Much like Regulus' this room seems to be waiting for its mistress return. Her wardrobe is full of clean robes in different colours and materials, one more extravagant then the other. Eva can't see how anyone could be comfortable in those. She finally settles on a silky white _thing_ that falls down to her ankles. It looks like the only comfortable garment in the closet. By many ruffles and see-through material, Eva figures this was what served as night wear. Over it she pulls a deep purple velvet robe. The least garish she can find. She forgoes the underwear; she has to draw the line somewhere. She feels strange. Like she is some other person. Still barefoot, she leaves the room as soon as possible. She can only imagine the scene if Kreacher found her in this room.

Once again in Sirius' bedroom, she braves his chest of drawers to secure herself a nice thick pair of socks. She then banishes the dirty dishes, goes to the kitchen to make tea, drags herself back up the stairs as the Pepper-up starts to lose its potency and then settles herself by Sirius' bedside into an armchair she has transfigured from the hard wooden chair.

The armchair becomes her home for the next few days. It seems comfortable at first and she dozes right off as the energy drains of her body. She has after all appearated, healed a patient, administered potions, cleaned, showered, made tea and walked up four sets of stairs twice after practically not moving from her bed for a week. It was bound to knock her out.

Waking up with a crick in her neck a few hours later she discovers the armchair to be a torture device. She roughly massages her right shoulder and tries to get her neck to work while considering if it would be a good idea to go get some sleep in a real bed in one of the bedrooms. But the only bedroom on the same floor is Regulus' and she doesn't feel right sleeping there. Besides Sirius might need her.

Just as she comes to a decision to visit the loo and then fold herself back into the armchair, she hears a groan from the bed and figures this was what actually woke her up. She gets up and sits at the edge of the bed to check on her patient. His fever has spiked and he is moaning in his sleep. She looks outside to see that it has gotten considerably darker. It was time for another dose of potions.

"Sirius? Can you hear me?" All she gets in response is another pained groan. "It's me." She whispers, knowing he won't hear her much less respond.

She gives him what she can, a Cough potion, a Fever Reducing potion, Anti-sickness potion and a Nutritional potion. Sadly, she cannot give him any more Dreamless Sleep potion so soon. Eva knows this is the one he could desperately use. Sirius has always been prone to nightmares, even before Azkaban, she remembers. She cannot even imagine what terrors await for him every night in this house he hates, all alone, after everything he has been through. And feverish delusions that come with the disease are bound to make it even worse. She would know. Pity wells up inside her chest like a hot air balloon. She grips the blanket in both of her hands and closes her eyes tightly, breathing and waiting it to pass. _Don't break now, Marlowe. When he wakes up everything will go back to normal. He will still hate you. And you will have to be ready for another round. He won't know what you did for him. And he won't care. You can't afford to break._

The next time she wakes up, she knows she hadn't slept for very long. Sirius is trashing in his bed, practically spasming and muttering unintelligible words. She rushes to check up on him but ultimately there is nothing to do but give him a bigger dose of Fever Reducing potion. She can do nothing about his nightmare. His hands search for something only to grip thin air and the only thing she can understand is his best friend's name on his lips. _Prongs._ She hasn't heard that name in years. And suddenly she misses James so much. She thinks about him of course but mostly she thinks of him as Lily's husband or Harry's dad. But James was her friend, too. And he was a good friend, always there when you needed him, always ready to help you or to cut class with you when you needed a breather, never demanded a reason or an explanation. The most loyal person she has ever met. When James Potter took you under his wing, you had a friend for life. He would die for you and he would kill for you. _Oh, to hear his uproarious laugh just once more. Just one more time. _

The unexpected rush of emotions leaves her breathless and with a terrible pain in her stomach. She rushes to the bathroom, her knees hitting cold tiled floor but the only thing she vomits is her bile. No surprise, as she cannot remember when she last ate something. Nutritional potion was only supposed to be used on unconscious patients not those that were too lazy to cook. She wows to make something the next day. She cleans herself up and returns to the bedroom where Sirius is still in the midst of his nightmare.

She stands there, between her armchair and his bad, hesitating. _Merlin, you will get yourself an ulcer, sooner or later if you don't get away from all this._ In the end though, she has promised herself to stop running and as much as she tells herself she shouldn't care, doesn't care, that it is not her business, she cares.

"_How can you just stand there and do nothing?" Righteous anger._

"_It's not my business." A shrug._

"_Not your business?! How can you say that? It is your business! It is everybody's business to stop that! Or what? Do you agree with them? Did you wanted to join them?" _

"_I don't care one way or another." Another shrug. _

"_Don't care one way or another?" Incredulous surprise._

"_No. I don't care." _

"_You don't care?"_

"_Are you deaf? No, I don't care." A fire that has not been there sneaks into her voice._

"_What do you care about then?" The redhead's voice has gotten soft and way too old for an eleven-year-old girl._

"_Nothing! I care about nothing! Get it through your thick skull, Evans, and stop following me around. We are not friends and I don't care about that either!" The girl's chest heaves when she stops yelling into the other girl's face._

"_I don't believe you." The redhead speaks with calm assuredness. "You care. You try not to but you care. No one can just not care."_

"_Do you know what happens when you care?" The brown haired girl, almost a head taller, looks down upon the other girl with a mix of haughtiness and sorrow. "It is ripped away from you when you least expect it."_

"_So, you think it's better to just not care from the start?"_

"_Yes." They are quiet for a while and for the taller of the two this is the end of the longest conversation she has held since the beginning of the school year. The redhead has other plans._

"_You are wrong." The conviction in her voice never wavers. "You care. I know you do. And we are friends. And you care about that, too. So, I'm not going to stop following you around as you say. I am going to prove to you, that there are things worth caring for. And one day you are even going to admit that I was right."_

"_Good luck with that."_

Eva can't remember if she ever told her that she was right. It doesn't matter anyway. Lily knew she cared. Lily knew long before Eva admitted it to herself. She admits it now, though. She admits it in this creepy old house, she admits it in the home of some of the darkest wizards in history, she admits it at the bedside of her former lover and friend who despises her for she has left him to rot in prison for twelve years, she admits it after fourteen years of constant pain that never goes away, she admits that she cares. She admits she would suffer through another decade for just one day with Lily. For an hour. For a single moment. _Merlin, does she care. _

With a deep sigh, she sits at Sirius bedside, putting her palms on his shoulders and pushing him onto the bed, grounding him. It was how she used to deal with his nightmares.

The first few times she was witness to it, she woke him up, tried to talk to him and take care of him but it only resulted in him closing off from her and feeling embarrassed. With time though, she figured out it was more effective if she held onto his shoulders or his hands or his chest so he could feel her weight and talked in calm measured tones just so he heard her voice. He was a deep sleeper and this rarely woke him up. During the first war she has spent many nights like this. Eva has no idea if he knew; he never said anything and she never asked.

Like a charm, at her touch, his body calms but he still calls out for his friend. So she talks.

"Shhh, it's okay. It's alright. You are safe. James is safe. James is okay. They are all okay. You are okay."

And she says it so many times she almost believes it herself. She talks and talks. And Sirius calms down. She knows he probably can't understand her and only reacts to her voice but she continues to reassure him all through the night. She conks out a few times, even returns to her armchair once but mostly murmurs empty nonsense comforts and holds her palm on his chest till it is light out and she can give him another dose of Dreamless Sleep potion. Her armchair is her safe heaven as she passes out in relief.

And that's what her life is for the next three days. Catching naps in her armchair, turned torture device, between administrating potions, using healing charms, changing his cloths and bed, once dragging herself down to the kitchen to cook some soup (four flights of stairs were almost the death of her), maintaining her personal hygiene as to avoid another existential crisis, feeding a temperamental Hippogriff that had made himself known and talking. Mostly it is sitting at his bedside, holding onto Sirius and talking as he cries out, mostly for James and occasionally for Lily or even Harry. She admits to eventually actually being reduced to reciting the list of potion ingredients in Felix Felicis and describing the difference between Calming Draught and the Draught of Peace as to keep herself awake.

On the fourth day though, as Sirius sleeps calmly under the influence of the potion and she has had a reasonably long nap (mostly she cannot stand to sleep another second in that armchair as her whole body aches), boredom strikes. The symptoms of her flu had finally mostly disappeared and she now feels restless. She should go back to work. She realizes she misses it. Healer Aldridge must be going hysterical without her. Since she started working at St Mungo's she has never been absent for more than four days in a row.

Eva itches to escape this house where she is surrounded by everything Sirius. His house, his room, his bedsheets, his clothes, his things, his letters from Harry on the desk, his Gryffindor banners on the wall, his photo albums that she dares not to touch, his shaving cream in the bathroom, the ghosts of his family, his nightmares, his tortured grimace that she cannot escape this close-up, his smell, his breathing and his very presence. There is no escaping him. Nor is there any escaping the memories that keep assaulting her.

But she can't go to work because Sirius still hasn't woken up and he can't be left alone and not one of the Order members has come to check on them. They could have been dead for days and no one would know. She feels reasonably annoyed at this. At least someone could have brought them some food. It is not as if _she_ can get that blasted elf to do anything for her. _Selfish bastards!_

She knows she is being unreasonable. The Order doesn't have time to babysit them. Furthermore, the flu is contagious so it is smart to stay away. Still, Eva is annoyed. And bored. So bored. Eventually she resorts to cleaning up the room despite the fact that she has initially decided against it. But the state of the room has now reached catastrophic levels as all the surfaces are filled with various empty vials, glasses and mugs and she is tired of avoiding looking at that pile of blankets in the corner and imagining … _No!_

Grumbling to herself, she eventually descends the stairs to make herself something to eat. Once in the kitchen though, the resolve to actually cook, disappears. She knows, she can't live of Nutritional potions anymore as the next step from vomiting bile is vomiting blood so she searches the kitchen for something edible. She hits bingo with the snack cupboard and piles up the majority of its contents in her arms. She is not about to do another trek to the kitchen if she can avoid it.

Later, while she munches on cookies, chocolate, crisps, peanuts and salty sticks, she writes a response to Harry's very strange and short letter. The letter is written in code so it takes some time deciphering the actual meaning of all the sentences. The overall gist of it is that he begs her to do something to stop Sirius contacting him through their usual way again. She has no idea what that is all about and makes a mental note to ask Sirius, nor does she have any idea why that particular honour has fallen to her. _Has he been under the impression that Sirius takes any stock of what she has to say?_ Despite her reservations, she assures him she will do everything in her power. She tries to not be too abrupt in the letter but even this irritates her. Mostly it irritates her that she cannot read Harry's mood from those few coded sentences. _How have they have come to this point where a school boy has to write in coded letters?_

She tries doing a crossword in the Daily Prophet but soon gives up. She paces the room for some time all the while sighing heavily to herself. She has no idea how Sirius can stand being cooped-up in this blasted house. She has been here for four days and she is ready to kill somebody. She has nothing to do and what she could do, she has no motive to actually do. She could go and replenish her potions supply but when she thinks about actually getting the cauldrons clean, slicing and dicing the ingredients and standing over the hot cauldron, she suddenly feels exhausted. Instead she once again settles in her armchair, throws a quilt over her body angrily and falls asleep thinking of ways to get Snape to make those potions for her.

In the afternoon Sirius finally starts regaining his consciousness in short fits. The first time he wakes up she is pretty certain he hasn't even recognized her. He babbles something about her eyes burning and lava out to get him and Eva gives him a Fever Reducing potion and a cold compress over his forehead and keeps reassuring him, that no lava can get to him. The next few times he wakes up he seems to recognize her face at least as he keeps asking mumbled questions about what is going on. All her explanations go to waste though as he can't keep his focus long enough to listen to her so she has just taken to muttering soothingly the same thing all over again.

"It's alright. You are ill. Just rest. Just rest."

Every once in a while his eyes, trusting, intense and unguarded, find hers and she is left breathless. Somewhere on the brink of his consciousness, caught in a space where time has no meaning, he has forgotten about his anger, resentment and disgust with her. Instead of embracing it, she closes her own eyes to escape. Her constant companion, her unfathomable guilt, rears its ugly head. _She cannot drown in him. He will hate her again tomorrow. As he should after what she did to him. _

The night after is the worst one so far. The hours pass excruciatingly slowly as Eva sits at Sirius's bedside, practically leaning her whole upper body weight onto him to keep him from hurting himself in his hallucinations. Her lower back is killing her, her hands shake from exhaustion and her throat is sore by the time he finally falls into deep sleep. She finds her armchair with shaky legs.

Despite her tiredness, she doesn't sleep long. She wakes up at sunrise with Johnathan's face once again etched into her brain. She feels strange. She isn't scared or angry. It just makes her restless. It is like a bad omen. Like a warning of some sort. And she is not one to believe that kind of bollocks. _But why now? After so many years?_

She watches the sun rise over the London skyline from the window sill until she hears a startled gasp and rushes around the bed. Sirius's eyes are wide open in shock as they follow her every move. At first she thinks it is another one of his hallucinations but she can see that his eyes are clear.

"Sirius?" She asks hesitatingly.

"Marlowe? I thought- Merlin." He first breathes a sigh of relief and then scowls angrily. She braces herself. She knew this was coming. She just thought she might get a few minutes before the fighting started. "What the hell are you wearing? Did you want me to have a heart attack?"

"I- What?" This was not really what she expected. She looks down at herself and realizes her mistake at once. _Oh, Merlin. He thought she was his mother. That was… disturbing_. "Oh, sorry. I borrowed this from your mother's closet. Hers are the only clothes that-" _don't send me into a panic attack_, "fit."

"And something is wrong with your own clothes?" He raises a sardonic eyebrow at her, half sarcastic, half genuinely puzzled.

"Well, all my clothes, except the ones I wore and are now never to be worn again, are at my home."

"How long have you been here?"

"I don't exactly… I few days. Four. Or five. Yes, five."

"What?" he exclaims astounded, throwing his blanket off and attempting to get out of bed.

"Don't get up, for Merlin's sake! You've been unconscious for days. Take it easy." She tries to get him back to bed without actually touching him. She has no idea how he might react to her touch even if she has been taking care of him for days without his concession.

"I have to get up. I lost five days! Who knows what could have happened in that time? I need to… do things!"

"Really? What could you have missed? They have been no Order meetings so there is that. And what things could you possibly have to do in this bleeding house! It is boring as hell. Nothing to do. I am about to go mad!"

"Oh, you are about to go mad?" He snarls at her and she quickly realizes her mistake. "You've been here for five days. And you can leave any time you want. Nobody has asked you to stay! I've been here for months. Months! Just rotting away!"

"You are in fact wrong. Remus has asked me to stay. Actually he has declared an Order Healer Emergency and then disappeared into thin air while effectively trapping me in this house. Cheeky bugger. At least you get to wear your own underwear." Irritably muttering that last sentence has at last made Sirius stop trying to escape his blankets and stare at her incredulously.

"What?"

"Never mind that. Will you please go back to bed? If you get up now, chances are that you will lose another five days after you pass out and get a concussion hitting your head on the floor." Reasoning with Sirius has never worked out well but to her surprise, he reluctantly leans back and Eva quickly adjusts his pillows so he can half-sit, leaning on the headboard. She meets his eyes as she pulls the blanket up and berates herself for being disappointed as that unguarded look from the previous day is once again replaced with shadows in his eyes. At least he is not openly combative at the moment. _Thank Merlin for small miracles._

"So I've been ill? And you have been her the whole time?" She nods at this.

"Yes. Actually, you got the magical flu from me," she tells him sheepishly. "I had it last week." He doesn't jump down her throat for this and Eva takes it as a good sign. _It is not as if she infected him on purpose. But one never knew how Sirius might take it._

"So, at the last meeting when you were acting all... mad as a hatter?" She shrugs at this, blushing. _Dear Merlin, what was she thinking at that last meeting? Bloody lunatic. _

"That might just have been me, being mad as a hatter." She says this with a smile and even gets a chuckle out of Sirius. "But, yeah. A lot of it was the flu. I was trying to power through."

"How did that work out for you?"

"I think I fainted for about a week. Might still be out if Remus didn't call for me."

"At which point you proceeded to forget your underwear?" _Of course he would focus on this._ Eva rolls her eyes but a smile is playing at her lips. _Some things never change_.

"I did not forget my underwear. I simply choose not to bother with changing clothes or packing a suitcase while someone was bleeding from a carotid artery. At least that's what _I _imagine when I hear a word _emergency_. I obviously need to clear this up with Remus." Her dark mutterings bring a smirk on Sirius's gaunt face. And she suddenly realizes she is supposed to be a healer as he yawns already tiring.

"Poor Moony."

"Poor Moony nothing. Anyway, I still need to do a check-up on you."

Sirius falls asleep almost immediately after she gives him his potions and Eva releases a breath she never realized, she was holding. _That went well. Considering._


	9. Purple robe

**Purple robe**

The conversations they have in those short periods when he manages to stay awake are mostly civil. Friendly even. Drugged, too. Eva finds it sad, that after all they have been through, the only way for them to talk without dissolving into hurtful screaming match, is for one of them to be high on potions. She tries to not let herself be lulled into a false sense of comradery.

"I'll go make us something to eat."

"Can't you just give me more of that potion? I'm not really hungry."

"Well, I am. And you need to eat. The potion is only for short-term use. You'll soon start to feel sick if you take it much longer."

"I'll probably get sick because of your cooking." She says nothing as there is really nothing to say to dispute that.

###

"You cleaned the room." It's not a question.

"A little." She confesses, staring at the crossword in her lap. "The mould was about to throw a party."

His eyes briefly flicker over the far corner of the room, empty of blankets. Eva dares not to look anywhere in the near vicinity of it. Her crossword is fascinating.

Neither says anything. They both know.

"Rarely used form of transfiguration. Five letters."

###

"Harry wrote."

"He did? What did he say?"

"Nothing much. Hagrid is still missing. Umbitch is still a… bitch. And he begs you- Actually he begs me to convince you not to contact him again your usual way. Floo, I presume?"

Sirius frowns petulantly.

"He doesn't want to see me again?"

"What happened?" She asks with trepidation. Harry's letter hadn't said anything about them fighting but he might not had wanted to tell her. Not to mention the letter was written in code.

"I almost got caught the last time," he admits grudgingly.

"What? Are you insane? What am I saying; of course you are. Do you want to get thrown back into Azkaban?"

"No sense of adventure, the lot of you. If Prongs were here-"

"He'd tell you the exact same thing if your life was at stake. Not to mention his son's safety. Stop your bloody sulking and think of Harry for once! How do you think he feels at the thought of anything happening to you after only just finding his godfather and only knowing you for such sort time? I think he must be terrified. Terrified that he will lose more family than he already has. The only living family member that actually likes him! Do you have any idea how many grand plans he has for the two of you to live like a family? That was one of the first things he ever told me. I think he would even move into _this_ house if only he could live with you." She doesn't say how jealous this makes her (he can hear it in her voice probably) because her jealousy fades in comparison to her heartfelt wish to see Harry happy.

He wants to say something, object probably but Eva is not in the mood so she interrupts him again. _Thank god for those potions, making him slow on the uptake, or they would have doubtlessly brought the house down by then._

"And if that's not enough to convince you, just imagine a scenario where you get caught again. It's not that difficult to imagine; if I am informed correctly, you have already been recaptured once, no? And what happened? Harry risked his life to save you after knowing you… for what? Three hours? What if the next time they actually throw you back into Azkaban? What do you think Harry will do then? Sit back and let the adults handle it? No, I didn't think so! And the next time he might not be so lucky! So, just think like his godfather for once and do the sensible thing!"

She finishes her monologue and storms out of the bedroom. Throwing the kitchen door open with a bang makes Kreacher jump in surprise. She pays him no heed, throwing open the first cupboard on her right. She is deterred for a moment by tiny hands around her waist and a joyful scream: Mistress! Before she can recoil, Kreacher catches the sight of her face and scampers off in horror, screaming. _Great, she has turned into Walburga Bloody Black._

She searches the cupboard with renewed vigour and pours herself her first firewhiskey in weeks. _She bloody deserves it._

Okay, that conversation hadn't really gone great but later when she reluctantly returns to Sirius' room, he has not attempted to murder her and she ticks off that conversation as civil. Mostly.

###

"What's an incantation for transfiguring someone's head into a pumpkin? Eight letters, last one is-"

"_Melofors_."

###

"I'm sure he has grand plans for the two of you, too." He starts the conversation out of nothing and she has no idea what he is talking about. Eva was just about to take a nap.

"Huh?"

"Harry. You said he has plans for the two of us to live like a family. I am sure he has plans for the two of you, too."

Her smile is almost bitter.

"Thank you for saying this."

"You don't think it's true?"

"No. You are his family. He loves you. I am just a woman who used to know his parents."

"Come on, Marlowe. That's not true. I saw the two of you together, you know? You aren't just some woman to him. Maybe the two of you are not as close as of yet but you have only just met a few months ago."

"And how long did he know you, before he considered _you, _family?" She challenges, knowing she is only hurting herself.

"If you're referring to the fact that he came to save my live mere three hours after he met me, then I have to disappoint you; he would do that for anyone. He wouldn't leave an innocent person to the dementors no matter who they are. That's just Harry. He is a very good person. And I know if you just give him some time-"

"How long before he started making plans to live with you?" Sirius clamps his mouth shut. But she wants to know. "How long did he know you, Sirius?"

"An hour." This time her smile is bitter and she hates herself for it.

###

"Where's Remus?" He looks around blearily like he just realized his friend is missing.

"Disappeared off the face of the Earth. I told you." She's still cross with Remus.

"Mission?"

"Apparently. Or he is now just too scared to come back."

"You would think that he would sacrifice his well-being to pay a visit to his dear old friend." Sirius almost pouts.

"You would also think someone, _anyone_ from the Order would come see if we are still alive. And bloody feed us." Sirius raises an eyebrow at her irritation. She herself is not really sure what irritates her so much about the Order and its members; it isn't really that they had not fed them. Probably that their primary goal is not to make Harry happy but to win a war, even if they have to sacrifice Harry's happiness for it. And no matter how much she tries to look at it from their perspective, she cannot form an unbiased opinion. "What? I was sick too. And you know I'm crap at cooking."

"The toast was good."

"Thank you. It's my speciality." He snorts and she tries to suppress a smile. _Do not get too comfortable, Marlowe. _

"I don't think my stomach can handle anything else, anyway."

"Yours can't. Mine could. I think I'm losing weight."

"And this is bad?" He asks this provocatively. But Eva has never been one to raise to a taunt like this one and Sirius knows this perfectly well. _At least he used to know._

"Didn't you hear what Molly said? I'm skin and bones."

"Molly is delusional."

"She's a terrific cook, though," she sighs wistfully.

"I can always get Kreacher to cook something for you."

"NO!"

"Okay…?"

"He shrieks in horror every time he sees me now. He mistook me for your mother and _hugged_ me-"

She doesn't finish as Sirius spews his tea all over the bedding. She is lucky her borrowed robe survived.

###

"Did you ever get married? Children?" He's just taken his Pain potion when he asks that. Eva is pretty sure he will not remember that interlude. She gives him a mirthless smile.

"Of course not."

###

"What's wrong with your hair? It looks like it has doubled in size?"

"I don't know. I think it's because I'm not using my regular shampoo. I hope you don't mind; I have been using yours. The green bottle."

"The green bottle. That's not my shampoo. That's been there for ages."

"What? Why didn't you throw it away then?" She inspects a strand of her hair like it's about to bite her. He shrugs.

"It didn't bother me." Eva rolls her eyes. _Typical Sirius. _That, at least, explains why her hair is starting to resemble that of Mrs Black's nest. And why Kreacher hugged her after seeing a glimpse of here. The robe didn't help.

###

"I dreamed of Johnathan." She never meant to say that.

"Still?"

"I hadn't in a long time. Don't know what brought it on."

"This depressing house?"

"Doesn't help probably. But I had it before. At home."

"While you were ill? Well, the flu does bring the most depressing memories to the surface."

"Maybe." She isn't convinced.

###

"You don't have to be here all the time, you know."

_Well, where else is she supposed to go?_ She doesn't want to wander the empty house herself. She doesn't know if she is more creeped out by the dead house-elves on the wall or the alive one.

"Yes, I do."

###

"A ten-letter word for simultaneous switching of two features."

"Bloody hell, what is this? A Transfiguration pop quiz?"

Eva smirks at him.

"You can just say you don't know. And it's a thematic crossword, the theme being transfiguration. It was never my best subject."

"I didn't say I don't know. You have any letters."

###

"People bond differently. At different pace." This time she knows what he is talking about even without a prelude.

"Sirius, I really didn't say this to make you feel guilty. I am happy that you and Harry are a family. Truly. My bonding with Harry has nothing to do with this. I was just stating facts."

"So am I. And I am stating _actual_ facts. You are just… divining."

"Divining?" She repeats sceptically.

"Yes, divining. You have just divined that Harry won't ever love you or think of you as a family. Based on how I bonded with him. And you haven't taken into account that you and me are very different people. You also haven't thought of the fact that you met Harry under different circumstances. Or, that Harry is different now, too; older, smarter and I am sorry to say, much more cynical."

Okay, so he does have a point, Eva gives him that. She _has been_ blindly comparing them. But there is one thing, _he_ hadn't taken into account and she doesn't want to say it because he will either feel guilty about throwing it into her face more than once or remember what a failure she is and just accuse her again. _Sirius was in prison for twelve years so he couldn't take care of Harry and she was free, being a drunk._ And no matter how she has justified herself to Harry and no matter if he had gladly, without suspicion, accepted her explanation, she knows it matters. _It matters._

"I didn't say he'll never love me. He is a special boy. Loving. And way too forgiving. And we'll talk. He might tell me about his problems. I might have a very wise advice to give. We will laugh together. And he will ask questions about his parents. He loves that. I'll bring cake for his birthday and he will invite me to his party. And we'll have the best time ever. And he will probably even love me. If for no other reason than because I brought his parents almost alive with all of my stories. And then the party will end and I will start helping with clean-up and he will tell me, that I shouldn't do that, that I should just relax and have a firewhiskey as I am after all a guest. Not family." _And my heart will break for the millionth time._

Sirius stares at her like he has never seen her before. She looks away from him. _Where did that come from?_ She hadn't realized she thought so strongly.

"Divining." She feels something akin to hope spark in her chest at this. _If he, who hates her, doesn't believe this, if he still thinks there is a possibility, then maybe… She is setting herself up for a world of pain. But still… She really doesn't want to be a guest._

###

"Could you lose that robe?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's disturbing."

"It has kind of grown on me."

"_That's_ disturbing."

###

"I'm done with the crossword."

"What's the solution?"

"Remus Lupin, bloody wanker."

"That's kind of long."

"It's werewolf actually but I am changing it and leaving it somewhere for Remus to find. He always used to check my crosswords if I left them out. Like some bloody professor. Just couldn't help himself. I'm sure some things don't change."

"I approve. It's always fun to mess with Moony."

###

"Alright, I'm tired and I would really like to get some sleep tonight." _Before the nightmares start._ She can only hope they will be less violent now that Sirius is conscious. She only needs to get through this last night. In the morning she hypotheses, that he will be well enough to not need a Dreamless Sleep potion so she could postpone his dose till evening and they could both get a good night's sleep. In an actual bed. "It's time for your potions anyway. And you need your sleep, too."

Sirius complies with minimal fuss and she is grateful. She then performs her bathroom routine, wishes Sirius a good night, turns off the lights and folds herself in her trusted armchair.

All is quiet.

"What are you doing?"

Eva sighs.

"Trying to sleep."

"Here?"

"Where else?"

"In an armchair?"

"It's where I have been sleeping for the last five nights," she tells him exasperatedly.

"You've been sleeping here? All the time?"

"Yes."

"But why? There is a number of perfectly good beds in this house. You could even sleep in my mother's old bedroom as you seem to have some kind of morbid fascination with her."

"I don't have a…" She trails off as there really is no point in fighting him. "You might need something during the night so I will stay here."

"I won't nee-"

"Right now I'm a healer and you're a patient. And you do as I say. No patient recovering from the magical flu should be left alone for the first seven days of the flu. _(Hypocrite much?)_ So I am staying. Now zip-it and let me sleep."

For a minute all is quiet.

"You have a terrible bed-side manner."

In the darkness, Eva allows herself a small smile.

* * *

Her sleep is interrupted by whispered voices. Her sleep deprived mind registers this as: _voice means nightmare and nightmare means you're up, Marlowe_. She doesn't want to open her eyes though. Or move. Still half asleep, she pats around the bed until her palm hits something solid and starts muttering a list of ingredients in Polyjuice potion. For a few moments everything is still and Eva's mind is already happily drifting off.

"What in the name of Merlin was that?"

"Fuck if I know."

She is not sure if it is the sound of different voices or the expletive that makes her eyes pop open into the blinding light of the late morning. She blinks a few times to allow her eyes to adjust. Resisting the temptation to simply close her eyes after another sleepless night (although not as bad as before), she takes an account of her surroundings. Her hand, somewhere between Sirius' neck and shoulder, is resting there like it has a mind of its own and is not even a part of her body. She snatches it away when she is met with Sirius' wide open eyes.

"Oh. You're awake," she mutters dumbly, her voice hoarse from sleep. He only raises his eyebrows at her as if to say,_ aren't you a smart one._

"Good morning, Eva." The voice startles her as she hadn't noticed the new addition to the room. Her neck twitches painfully as she looks around from her awkward position.

"Well, well. Look who finally graced us with his presence." She mutters darkly, fully aware of her foul mood. She is cranky, sleep deprived and inexplicably angry this fine morning. "The boy who cried wolf."

"Excuse me?" She doesn't care if Remus is genuinely baffled. Or that she is completely tactless. She unfolds herself from her armchair, promising to herself to burn it after that night as her whole body aches from sleeping in it. She stumbles forward lightly as she has lost feeling in her legs but catches her balance before Remus manages to put out a hand to steady her. At her glare he retrieves his hand.

"No, you are not excused. Do you know what a Healer Emergency is? Do you?" She gets into his cringing face. She has waited for days to rail this into him. The speech has gotten rather long in her head. Remus nods wide eyed and is undoubtedly about to apologize most sincerely. But Eva, petulantly, doesn't give him a chance to speak because she is not done yelling as of yet and once he apologizes she will have no reason to unleash her bad temper on anyone. "In case, you don't know, let me enlighten you what an emergency definitely is not. It is not someone having a flu, Lupin. An emergency is when someone's life is in immediate danger! And the next time you call for a Healer Emergency someone better be bleeding on the floor or I will_ give_ you a reason to call an emergency. Is that clear?"

Instead of diving into an apology like she expected him, he goes for a different approach.

"Would you have come if I told you the truth?"

She doesn't just explode after this like it might seem to them but takes a millisecond to reflect on the question and lets the sadness of his distrust seep into her consciousness. Then she explodes.

"How dare you? How the hell can you even ask me that? Do you know what it means to be a healer? Do you know what it means to be a human? Do you really think that lowly of me? That I would let someone suffer just because he doesn't like me? That just because we can hardly stand to be in the same room I would just refuse to heal him? Is that really what you think of me Remus?"

At the end all the rage has been used-up and all that's left is sadness. Remus' eyes are wide with horror.

"Oh, Merlin. Eva, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I needed to leave quickly and I thought… I don't know what I thought… I didn't really think it through. I know you wouldn't just leave someone to suffer. I'm sorry."

Remus looks remorseful and desperate and Eva suddenly feels guilty. _Why would he expect anything better of her? She has after all disappeared for years and left him to deal with his own pain. He couldn't expect anything better of her._

"No. Stop apologizing. You wouldn't know anything of the sort. You wouldn't know that I wouldn't just left him to die. You went by previous experience as I told you once before. I guess I forgot you know the worst of me."

"Eva, I do know the worst of you." He grips her shoulders so she is forced to look him in the eye and acknowledge his sincerity. "But I also know the best of you. And I should not have forgotten that. I should never forget that. And I won't."

Biting her lower lip, she gives him a small smile. _When was the last time someone said something so nice to her?_

"Thanks, Remus," she whispers almost shyly. She thinks Remus might hug her then but he just smiles back and then drops his hands back to his sides. And she is so disappointed she almost cries right there and then. She once again realizes how lonely she is, how starved for affection. She has never been one to hug much. Even when she was sad, hugs only made her uncomfortable and unable to relax and she had rather suffered in solitude. She had let Lily hug her sometimes and later on Sirius (even if his hugs were mostly a prelude to something else) but has always shied away from others and they have learned to accept it and not resent her for it. All she wants now, is someone to hold her tightly. _To hold the pieces of her together. _

She clears her throat and tries to get rid of turmoil in her head as she doesn't want Remus to see what a wreck she is. Even as he must know. _He must._

"But seriously, please do not call another emergency just for the sake of it." She hopes he doesn't notice the trouble she has to control the quiver in her voice. "I will always come but I like to brush my teeth and change my clothes and-"

"Put on underwear." Eva has completely forgotten Sirius is even in the room with them. And apparently so has Remus as they both turn towards the bed in surprise.

"What?" Remus laughs disbelievingly.

"Will you stop with that goddamed underwear!"

"You didn't have any underwear on?"

"Of course I had under-"

"Doesn't have any now though."

"Sirius!"

"What? And what's with that robe anyway?"

"Borrowed."

"From my mother's closet. Did you see the hair, Moony?"

"Yes, I did actually. I didn't want to say anything but now that you mention it-"

"Oh, for the love of Merlin. You two are impossible." She could smile at their banter. She could enjoy it. She could revel in it. But her survival instincts tell her to run. She cannot let herself be pulled into this. It doesn't matter if she can feel longing in her very bones. "I'll go make us some tea or something. And breakfast."

"Oh, that reminds me, Molly is downstairs cooking for tonight's Order meeting. She'll probably be happy to whip up some breakfast, too. You know, so you don't… have… to…"

Remus trails off as she stands at the door glaring at him. Okay, so she knows her cooking is horrible and she hates to do it but still… Her irritation has returned full swing.

"Oh, so now my cooking is not up to snuff is it? So, now someone has finally decided to feed us? Where was the Order for the last five days, hm? We could have both died in the mean time!"

"Em, I just…" Remus really has no idea what to say to not provoke her further so he wisely shuts up after his failed attempts. Even this, further annoys Eva. _She needs to get out of this house tonight or else she might explode._

"I go back to work tomorrow, Lupin," she declares on a whim. She hasn't written to her boss yet but Healer Aldridge has yet to deny her anything. _And she needs to get away._ "I will of course come back to bring potions and check-up on Sirius but there is no need for me to be here 24/7." She focuses her attention on Remus and avoids looking at Sirius completely. "He is still on bed rest though and someone will need to feed him."

She keeps glaring at Remus who continues to nod all through her speech. He dares not to disagree. Even his steadfast agreement irritates her, though. She leaves the men in a hoof and slams the door behind her. Half way down the hall she remembers she forgot to give Sirius his potions and turns around if possibly even more agitated. Throwing open the door mere seconds after she had closed it, makes Remus, who has just sat down, jump up in surprise. She does nothing to acknowledge the wand he points at her.

She dryly instructs Sirius as to how to take his potions (first the Caugh potion, a teaspoon of Pain potion, Fever-reducing potion by sips, Anti-sickness only if you need it).

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. I am not an invalid. Just go already. That's what you wanted isn't it?" His suddenly bitter tone might have made her think of the reasons for it but right then she has no patience for his inner turmoil. She doesn't think that he might be just as lonely as she is. Doesn't think that he would appreciate any company, even if it's hers. _What did he expect her to do? Live at his bedside for another fortnight? _

With one last withering glare, she then storms off once again.

"What crawled up her arse?"

* * *

Nobody asks about the robe. She gets a lot of raised eyebrows but she is not about to defend herself against raised eyebrows. If they want to know, they should just ask. And if they were to ask, she might not be willing to give them straight answers anyway.

Molly was the first to look at her questionably. But she does not ask about it. She asks about what kind of breakfast she wants, coffee or tea, how is Sirius doing, how is she doing, how they had been coping, if she had heard from Harry, if she fed Buckbeak and a bunch more of all the right questions. But she doesn't ask about the robe.

Eva doesn't necessarily like Molly all the time but she knows that Molly loves Harry and that's enough to endear her to Eva. She has more than once excepted Harry into her house and gave him her motherly love and for that Eva is so grateful she could kiss her. She is also so jealous she could claw her eyes out. It is an irrational urge, that she could never, _would never_ act upon. But it's there, reminding her that while she was being useless, a mother of seven extended her love to another boy. Mostly she is grateful. But maybe it is that repressed piece of her that propels her to not say anything to older woman's curious gaze. She stares back at Molly, waiting for her to say something, a defiant look upon her face. And when Molly asks her something about the upcoming meeting, she feels almost triumphant.

She considers changing before the meeting, which is due later in the evening, but decides against it. If somebody were to ask, she could give valid excuses. To herself she admits it; she has probably lost her bloody mind. And she is irrationally angry with the Order, with Dumbledore, with everyone. She feels nearly vindictive.

She practically flaunts the robe for everybody to see; gets up much more than strictly necessary, turns with enough speed for the robe to billow and caresses the soft purple velvet. Nobody has not noticed it. Nobody asks about the robe.

She has no idea what she hopes to achieve with this. She knows what it looks like for a woman to be in a home of a single man, prancing about in a clearly borrowed robe and nothing but socks on her feet. She knows many in her position would be quick to defend themselves, to explain but Eva dares them to say the words. The glint in her eyes is a mix of angry, teasing and defiant and she dares those stuffy old wizards to ask her, actually ask about the robe. She will not give them the joy of satisfying their burning curiosity.

Sirius makes it to the meeting with the help of his friend. He wanted to hear nothing about missing the meeting and Eva soon decided to save her breath. He is dressed in his dressing gown over a pyjama pants and a t-shirt and after the exertion it took him to get to the kitchen, he is breathing like an eighty-year old chin smoker and looks positively afoul. The Order members ask about _his_ robe though and he tells them about the flu. But not once does he mention Eva was there to heal him and she does not know if he simply does not want to be associated with her or if he has caught on to her act of defiance. Pointless as it is.

She waits then for somebody to ask if she was his healer or something of the sort and she catches many of the eye but still nobody opens their mouth. They wait for one of them to volunteer the information and when they don't, they probably pull their own conclusions. And whatever those are, Eva is not about to defend herself either way. She catches Sirius' eye and she knows he sees right through her.

After a particularly boring and useless meeting in her opinion, she, with Sirius wheezing at her heels and Remus supporting him, catches Dumbledore in the hall.

"How is Harry doing?" That is after all the only thing she is interested in.

"Busy, as far as I can tell, Eva. Busy with teaching his fellow classmates DaDA."

"So they are actually doing it. Okay. And his classes? How is that going? He hasn't got more detentions has he?" Eva feels anxious about those detentions.

"He hasn't gotten in any more detentions no. And his classes are going as well as can be expected. You do remember your OWL year, don't you?"

"Madness. Even for a regular kid." Eva runs a nervous hand through her hair. "Anything else wrong? Does he seem anxious? Depressed?"

"He seems in better spirits than before. It is good, I think that he has found something to occupy his mind. Even if it is illegal under current administration." Dumbledore smiles almost mischievously and Eva doesn't know if she should be relived or worried.

"Has quidditch started yet?" Sirius finally manages to chime in with his own question.

"Practice has started, yes. That's another thing that has gotten Harry in a better mood. That would be my guess at least."

"That kid does love flying. Much like his dad in that manner."

"And his friends? Do they get along? And girls? Does he have a girlfriend? Who?" Dumbledore chuckles at her anxious inquiries.

"Now, Eva, I think that is not a question for a teacher-parent conference but rather for you to ask Harry himself. I believe that's how it goes between children and their parents or guardians."

"But we have to write in codes! And Harry, too. And we can't really talk about anything meaningful. It's just so frustrating!"

"I know and I am sorry, my dear girl but you will just have to wait to talk to Harry at Christmas. Besides, I doubt you can get a fifteen-year old boy to write to you about his girlfriend anyway."

"Aha! So he does have a girlfriend?"

"Sirius, I did not say that at all." And with that Dumbledore says his goodbyes but not before leaning towards Eva with his eyes twinkling madly. "I always was partial to purple myself."

And she notices for the first time the colour of Dumbledore's robes; purple. She has a mad urge to laugh.

After dinner, Eva helps Remus get an exhausted Sirius to his bedroom. They get him to his bed and Eva shakes him awake a few times to get all the potions into his body. She gives him instructions as to how and which potions to take tomorrow but makes sure Remus is listening too as Sirius is already half unconscious.

"Here, that's the Dreamless Sleep potion. It will help you sleep tonight. I'll bring you another tomorrow." It was extremely easy to overdose on Dreamless Sleep potion and she didn't trust him with a whole batch of it in near vicinity. "Okay. I'm going home now. I'll be back to check on you tomorrow in the evening probably."

He mumbles something and Eva is ready to get up when he suddenly grips her wrist. His eyes clear up for a few seconds as they stare at each other. He smirks at her.

"Are you going to wear that robe to every meeting?" Eva bites her lip to hide her smile.

"Probably not. Someone might burst a vein. Besides, I should return it."

"Shame. Keep it though. If you change your mind."

And then he is out like a light and Eva gets up and gathers her stuff. Which means, her medical bag as that's the only thing she brought with her.

"He will sleep through the night. You can go get some rest, too, Remus. Make sure he takes his potions in the morning."

"Thank you, Eva. For everything." He says it with feeling and for a while they look at each other, conveying something they can never put into words. Remus doesn't know but he has an inkling at least how hard it has been for her to stay so close to Sirius when she feels so much guilt. But he also knows, that this same guilt ties them both to him for all eternity. There is no escaping.

* * *

Eva breathes a sigh of momentary relief at the sight of her own flat. Her bed, her shampoo, her robes. Her flat. As empty as she has left it. A layer of dust has settled over it but otherwise everything is where she left it.

_Well, who would have moved it, Marlowe? You live alone. You have no one. If you died, they would only discover your rotting body after the smell permeated through the walls and your neighbours would be too disgusted by it to continue with their dinner. You are alone. And you should be happy to be a guest at some random birthday party in the future_.

She wraps her hands around her body tightly. _Merlin, how much she has wanted that hug. _But she realizes that Remus holds himself back from her, too. The same way she does it. The same way she doesn't let herself enjoy Sirius' company even when he is in his best mood. Because she knows he can change his tune to his most hurtful in a matter of seconds. _And sooner or later he will_. And Remus knows she could disappear on him anytime. Literally. Figuratively. Pulled back and reigned in her emotions, hurt him.

Her lungs compress and her stomach clenches painfully. She needs an out for her mounting anxiety and when emptying her stomach isn't enough, she changes her clothes, puts on her make-up, downs a firewhiskey or five and appearates to the seediest club she can think off.

Later, when the drink has dulled her senses and some stranger fucks her against the wall, she holds onto the strong body as hard as she can. But it's not enough. Not nearly enough. _It never is._


	10. Happy birthday, Sirius

**Happy birthday, Sirius**

James Potter loved Halloween. It was his favourite holiday. He once petitioned for the day to be free of classes. Most of the student body agreed but the professors weren't impressed. Nobody wanted James Potter and his band of Marauders to wreak havoc upon the school for an entire day. It was bad enough they had in seven years not managed to prevent their yearly Halloween feast prank. Truth be told, the prank was the highlight of the day and not even rule-abiding Lily Evans did much to make a stop to it. Despite regularly expressing her displeasure with James Potter and his childish pranks, nobody could get Lily Evans to leave the Great Hall until she had seen the prank through. For Lily Evans loved Halloween just as much as James Potter did if not more. And while Lily Evans might had convinced whoever wondered about her dillydallying, that she was merely not finished with the desert, Eva Marlowe smirked knowingly. What a cruel twist of fate for them to have died on exactly that night.

And that was exactly why Healer Eva Marlowe volunteered to work the busiest, most gruesome shift of the year at St Mungo's Emergency ward. So she has little time to think of moments like these. It was either work or get shit-faced and she choose the former. It was a close call. Her co-workers thought nothing of it as she regularly switched to cover the most dreaded shifts; Christmas, New Years, St Patricks, Halloween. Some thought her gracious as they were left to celebrate with their children and other thought her a sadomasochistic bitch. If it was any of the two; well she was definitely not gracious.

Despite the constant stream of patients through the night, her thoughts stray and she feels restless. Her hand forms a fist and her fingers dig into her palm painfully. It is not enough though; she just itches to do _something._ She almost regrets choosing work over firewhiskey but realizes almost immediately it would make no difference. Not even firewhiskey could completely obliterate the memories of her friends. Much less of the night they died. She knows; she has tried. Why Halloween would be any special just because it's an anniversary of their deaths, she does not know. They are just as dead any other night.

She can't help but think about how Sirius is dealing. She snorts at the thought. She doesn't even notice the nurse's weird glance. She knows exactly how he is dealing; with a bottle of Ogden's finest. She can practically see him, slouched over the kitchen's table, pouring glass after glass or maybe just drinking straight out of a bottle and if faith is merciful, on his way to passing out. Remus is probably close by, sitting quietly, caught in his own grief, just making sure his friend doesn't drink himself to death. She has a brief thought about joining them but dismisses it before it even manages to properly manifest itself. She can't be anywhere near him on this day. She knows how it would end; with screaming and accusations and guilt and words that neither of them could ever take back. She doesn't want any of that but on the other hand; _if she could just release some of that restless tension…_

"Healer Marlowe? We have a case coming in."

Eva nods and is extremely grateful for the tentacles growing out of a boy's body for it is sure to keep her focused and occupied for most of the night. Even so, that restless itch stays with her for the rest of the night.

The third of November also marks the day that Eva Marlowe has no intention whatsoever to cross the threshold of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Not that she is a regular there or something. In fact, she has not been there since she has dropped off the last dose of Dreamless Sleep potion for Sirius almost a fortnight ago. She has dragged _that_ on longer than strictly necessary. An average patient would not need the potion for more than seven to eight days as the potion was highly addictive. But with all the issues he already has, she figures, what's a little bit of addiction if she can afford him a few peaceful nights.

On this night though, she will not be dropping anything off. It's Sirius Black's birthday and if she has to guess, he is spending it exactly the way he spent Halloween and if she were to turn up, she expects the night to end exactly as she expected Halloween to end if she was to turn up then. Or worse. Contrary to James, whose birthday was always a laud boisterous affair that ended with a drunken out of control party, Sirius liked to spend his birthday with James. It was their day. What Sirius must be feeling on this day, she doesn't know. And she doesn't want to see. Doesn't want to be faced with it. She plans to spend it pacing her flat restlessly. It has after all been the feeling that has accompanied her for days now.

Luck or faith or karma (whatever one wants to call it) is not on her side that night though. The message Dumbledore sends her is not urgent but it _urges_ her strongly to make an appearance at Grimmauld Place. She bits her lip contemplating. She really doesn't want to go but when Albus Dumbledore requests your presence, one can hardly refuse him.

"What do you mean 'banned for life'?" The scene that awaits her at the kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place is tense with frustration and anger mingling with un undercurrent of worry. Arthur and Molly seem more worried then angry but the same cannot be said for their outraged sons Bill and Charlie that are talking loudly one over another even if they seem to be in agreement, much less for Sirius, who is bellowing into Albus' tired face. Remus is standing at his friend's side, ready to either restrain Sirius from strangling Albus Dumbledore or help him, Eva is not sure. She is leaning towards the latter by the murderous expression on his face. Tonks who is standing at his periphery is looking at him warily and Alastor Moody, leaning on the kitchen counter seems to be exasperatedly rolling both of his eyes at all of them.

"What is going on?" Her arrival brings everyone to a sudden and momentary halt. For a moment everything is quiet except for Moody muttering something unflattering about the real drama starting now. Then the yelling starts back up.

"Harry has been banned for life!" Sirius yells at her.

"Banned from what?"

"Quidditch!" Comes a simultaneous yell of Sirius, Remus, Charlie, Bill and Tonks. Eva feels cold and her hackles rise. _Not quidditch. Please, just not quidditch._

"What? How? Why? _For life?_" Her own voice raises to a yell in a matter of seconds.

"Umbridge banned him! Harry and Fred and George, too." It is Bill that informs her, also on the verge of yelling. In fact, everybody with the exception of Albus Dumbledore and Arthur Weasley has increased their volume even further. "They were fighting with Draco Malfoy after the quidditch game."

"That bitch! How dare she?!" She gets shouts of encouragement.

"There is no need for that kind of language! They were fighting! Muggle style. With fists! In front of the whole school. What did they expect?!"

In Molly's eyes it says a lot about how inexperienced Eva Marlowe is in parenting, that she has not even thought about the fact that maybe it has been justified to ban them. But there are things that Molly doesn't understand. (There are of course also things that Eva doesn't understand. Many things.) But what Molly fails to grasp is that her children have been raised with knowing that no matter what they did, how they tested their parents' patience, they will always be loved. And knowing that, they often did just that, which is why their parents mostly jumped to the conclusion that they were just rightly punished for what they did wrong. Harry, on the other hand, as far as Eva can tell, hasn't had that safety net and for that reason, Eva understands things that Molly doesn't.

"I don't care what they did! If they were fighting they were probably provoked. Harry wouldn't just go up to someone and started hitting them! Even if it is scum like Malfoy. I remember Lucius. His spawn can't be any better." She hasn't really known Harry for that long but she knows with absolute certainty, that Harry, despite his tendency towards angry outbursts, would not just hit someone without a reason. "And I'm not a child, Molly. If I want to call that bitch, _a bitch_, then I will!"

All hell breaks loose after that.

"How dare you talk like that to my mother?"

"– know nothing of parenting–"

"– nothing short of murder justifies being banned for life–"

"– where does she get to–"

" – my GODSON–"

"– let that happen –"

"– strangle her with my bare hands –"

"– kill that little shit–"

"– most annoying student I ever had misfortune–"

"– don't know why I'm here. Not a bloody Order issue–"

"– take away one thing that he loves–"

"– just waiting to do that –"

"– bigoted bitch–"

"– your eyes are turning yellow–"

"– bloody Malfoy–"

"– let Moony get her on full moon–"

"– do something about it–"

"– fighting in plain sight. The Ministry has –"

"– are Albus Bloody Dumbledore! You could–"

"There is nothing I can do. It is done." And with those words of Albus _Bloody_ Dumbledore everyone finally stops talking.

Eva stands there, in the middle of the kitchen, staring at her former headmaster, devastation etched onto her face. Sirius suddenly marches out of the kitchen determinedly. But Eva doesn't notice. Nor does she notice people scrambling after him, trying to intercept him.

_Oh god, no. Oh, no. Oh, Harry. Not quidditch. He must be devastated. What is she supposed to do? She must do something. She must comfort him. She must see him. She must. What if he does something stupid?_

"I'm going to Hogwarts to see Harry," declares Sirius. Dumbledore watches as Eva finally starts at this statement. The headmaster gives a tiny almost imperceptible nod at this and is quite satisfied with the correct assumption he has made about Eva Marlowe and Sirius Black's relationship. Even as he invited her back to the Order, he has expected her to be a calming presence and a voice of reason who will manage to reign in Sirius when necessary.

"Wait! I'm coming with you," she yells and reaches Sirius in the front hall where he is trying to get past Moody, Bill and Charlie that are blocking his way.

If Albus Dumbledore were prone to such things, he would roll his eyes at their recklessness and mostly at his own stupidity. And if Eva knew of her former headmaster's expectations, she would laugh into his face and told him he has confused her with someone else. For she was rarely the voice of reason. She could be the voice of ugly truths but people mostly didn't want to hear those, much less act by them.

It takes a combined efforts of Remus, Dumbledore and Arthur to convince Eva and Sirius not to charge to Hogwarts on a whim.

"You're an escaped convict. You cannot just appear at Hogwarts."

"I don't care."

"Harry cares. What's wrong with you?!"

"And no, Eva, you can't go either. We are trying to keep your involvement with the Order and especially your connection to Harry under the radar."

"Harry needs me. I have to do something."

"He will be fine."

"I know the two of you are new at this but we generally do not allow parents or guardians to come see their charge every time they get a detention. You can write him a letter."

"A letter?! Well, generally parents or guardians can write to their charge in normal sentences. Not in a code!"

Only when Remus suggests Dumbledore personally delivers a letter form Eva and Sirius to Harry and when Dumbledore agrees, do they seem appeased. Eva follows Sirius upstairs in search of a spare piece of parchment and a quill.

Remus sighs wearily after they depart and starts closing the curtains over the screaming portraits that have awakened at all the ruckus they have been making. Tonks stays to help him as all the others return to the basement kitchen. When the hall is finally quiet they both stop at the bottom of the stairs to listen to the bickering coming from a room somewhere above.

"_Let me write. My handwriting is at least legible."_

"_Will you stop being so bloody polite? Harry doesn't care about this."_

"_Well, I can't just start off with death threats."_

"_Give the quill here!"_

"_You can't just take it in the middle of the sentence!"_

"_Your sentence is bullshit."_

"_As if you are doing any better. Watch it! You just made a hole in it."_

"_Merlin, this is so sappy. I can't even watch you write this."_

"_It is not sappy! He needs our support!"_

"_He needs us to be angry on his behalf."_

"_He is already angry. Why do we need to be angry, too? We should be calming and comforting."_

"_Don't make me laugh! He has just been banned from quiddtich for life! He doesn't want to be calmed."_

"_Just because you would react that way, doesn't mean Harry will, too."_

"_I know Harry!"_

"_Au, my finger. It's bleeding. Stop ripping the parchment out of my hands!"_

"Do you think we should go up there?" There is apprehension in Tonks' voice and she obviously hopes Remus either goes by himself or better yet, follows her to the kitchen. And as the option of drinking a glass of firewhisky with Tonks is far more appealing than playing a peacemaker for Eva and Sirius, Remus hesitatingly gestures towards the kitchen.

"They'll be fine." He doesn't want to deal with the two of them. _At least not yet._

Half an hour later Eva (sucking on her injured finger when even an average wizard, could heal that in a second) and Sirius, both obviously bad-tempered, appear in a basement with a sealed letter that looks like it has travelled through war trenches. Dumbledore raises his eyebrows at the crumpled letter but doesn't ask as Sirius just continues to glare murderously.

"I do hope you wrote something other the death threats in here. I don't think Harry will find much comfort in them." Neither says anything and not even a flicker of guilt passes their faces so nothing further is said about the matter. Dumbledore nods to himself and then rises along with some others to leave. But Sirius stops them. Suddenly there is a big fake jubilant smile on his face. If he weren't just glaring venomously a few seconds before some might confuse it as real. Some, that don't know him well, probably think it is real.

"There's no need to leave just yet. Sit down. Let's have a drink. It's my birthday today." And before anyone can object, he summons the bottle and ten glasses and starts pouring generously. For Remus it is a foreboding sign that he has announced his birthday and even more that he wants to drink with other people. _Maybe he has underestimated his loneliness after all. Maybe this won't be a disaster. _But it's hard to stay optimistic when he catches sight of Eva's face. For a second it looks like she is about to cry and when she composes herself, Remus is certain she is about to get up and leave. _She knows it's bad, too_. Contrary to what he believes, she squares her shoulders and stays put. _And she is gearing up for it._ Remus wishes she left.

If there was anyone still under the impression that Sirius's sudden surge of good mood was real, their illusions are shattered as he raises his glass before others have even managed to grab theirs, toasts to himself: "Happy birthday to me," and downs the drink in one go before slamming the glass onto the table and immediately pouring another. There are murmurs of _Happy birthday _around the otherwise silent table as everybody rushes to finish their drinks as soon as possible.

Dumbledore leaves first with Moody at his heels and Molly and Arthur rise soon after with warnings for their sons not to drink too much. They readily ignore them along with all the others that have stayed behind. Bill and Charlie stay because of the promise of more free booze, Remus has nowhere to go and he cannot leave his friend unsupervised, not on this day, Tonks, Eva suspects, stays for a chance to be near Remus and because the poor girl doesn't get many chances to loosen up these days and Eva herself because she is, as already discovered, a sadomasochistic bitch. She is angry, tense and just _itching_ to do something.

Under the influence of alcohol and Weasley brothers' easy-going nature, soon the tension somewhat eases. They even move the party upstairs to the drawing room when Tonks complains about uncomfortable hard-backed chairs and turn on the wireless. It is much later, when everybody, including Remus, is considerably wasted, that Bill and Charlie announce their retirement and stumble out of the house whisper singing some Irish drinking song. Miraculously, they manage not to wake up Mrs Black's portrait.

Tonks curls up on a sofa sighing contentedly and Eva spreads her body comfortably near her, throwing her head back and putting her feet on the coffee table while Sirius and Remus converse among themselves, sitting in armchairs across the room by the window.

"Are you on the family tree, Eva?" Tonks asks her suddenly, her eyes tracing the lines on the tapestry lazily. Eva gives a surprised short laugh.

"What?"

"The Black family tree. I don't see you anywhere." Tonks gestures somewhere in the general direction of the wall.

"Why for Merlin's sake would I be on the Black family tree?"

"Well, you're are pureblood, aren't you? I just thought…"

"Oh. Yeah, I'm not there. I'm technically a pureblood, both of my parents are wizards. Nowhere near pure enough for Walburga Black, though. My father's line was pure as they come but my mother's line was full of half-bloods and muggleborns. Even an occasional muggle. Oh, did my mom hate to be reminded of it. Married my father to purify the line or some nonsense like this. Thought she'll marry off her offspring to purebloods. I think she and Walburga would have hit it off splendidly if she didn't think my mother was trash. Funny, that."

Eva doesn't remember when's the last time she said this much on the subject of her family. Can't remember when she talked freely to a friendly face either, so that might be a catch. She hopes wireless is laud enough for their conversation not to reach both men. She chances a glance and is relieved to see them still engaged in a conversation.

"So, you met Sirius' mother?"

"Once or twice."

"And she didn't approve of the two of you?" Eva wishes Tonks didn't talk so laud.

"Not really. But Sirius was a lost cause by the time I met her so she didn't do much but turn her nose up at me and tell him, rather without hope, she can still find him a nice pureblood witch if he would reconsider returning home and changing his views."

"And what did he say?"

"He told her she can take her racist views and stick it where the sun doesn't shine." Tonks giggles at that beneath her palm. "It was all very uncouth but luckily also brief. And I mostly stared at them quietly through the exchange but she obviously remembered me later."

"What do you mean?" Eva can hear that the conversation across the room has quieted down and hesitates briefly. But that itch she has been feeling for days now propels her to carry on. She dares not look away from her glass or Tonks though.

"She saw me talking to Regulus once. Went berserk, lost it completely right there in the middle of the Diagon Alley. Prohibited me to talk to Regulus, called me all kinds of foul names, you heard her portrait so you can imagine, looked just as mad and made a go for her wand. Those were dark times but you still didn't just attack somebody in plain view of half the magical community. Oh, she definitely remembered me. Probably thought I'll corrupt Regulus or something."

"And what did dear Regulus do?" His mocking scoff comes out of nowhere but somehow Eva is not surprised. Somehow she expected just that. Dreaded it and anticipated it all at once. She could have after all left hours ago. She didn't even have to make excuses. Just say her goodbyes and leave. But she has sat there for hours, drinking his best firewhiskey. And she is just drunk enough and frustrated enough after the day's events that she could tear into him with a ferociousness of an enraged dragon.

But there is that warning prickling at the back of her mind. Warning, preventing her from diving head first into an argument._ You know how it will end? With screaming and anger and accusations and guilt. Just the things you wanted to avoid. Or didn't you?_

Eva glares at him angrily but doesn't answer something they both know the answer to. Sirius doesn't let go though.

"Was he a gallant knight? Did he stand up to mother for you?"

"He did what he could," she tells him through gritted teeth. "Got his mother out of there."

At that she determinedly turns away from him to drunk but somewhat wide-eyed Tonks.

"Uhm, you have any siblings?" Tonks clearly asks this in an attempt to change the subject to something benign.

"Not anymore," she tells her with a humourless smile. Her life is one big minefield.

"Oh, Merlin. I'm sorry. I should just stop talking." The alarm on younger witch's face and her adorable flustered ramblings cause Eva to smile at her kindly. It is rare she meets a character so sincere and true.

"It's alright. He, my brother, has been dead for more than twenty years now."

"I had no idea." Eva shrugs and empties her umpteenth glass.

"It's not like I just go around telling this to people I just met."_ Or anyone ever. Even if they ask. Although, when was the last time someone asked?_

"You are very pretty, you know," Tonks declares drunkenly. Eva raises an eyebrow at her.

"You're drunk."

"No, I'm- Okay, yes I am. But you are still pretty."

"Why, thank you, Dora. But I don't swing that way." Tonks giggles at this.

"I don't either, silly. I can still say you're pretty. Do you have a boyfriend? You aren't married are you? I actually don't know much about you."

And that's because Eva Marlowe doesn't talk much about herself. Not that there is actually much to tell besides her work.

"Uh, no boyfriend. Not married, no."

"How's that?"

"Yes, Marlowe, do tell us, how's that?" This time he catches her unaware. She hasn't expected him to had anything to add to this. And hasn't seen him approach. "How is it that you haven't done anything with your life in the last fourteen years? Do you enjoy playing a martyr?"

He stalks over to her to look down his nose at her. This time she can't help but rise to the bait. It's what she had been itching to do. Dreading. But itching.

Before anger takes over a flash of anguish passes her face.

"What the hell is your problem?"

Sirius asks himself that all the time. _What problem does he have with her_? And Remus has taken to badgering him about it incessantly.

_Why are you so angry with her? Because of that thing with your brother? That was ages ago. Did you even ask her about it? Did they really have something? As far as I can remember your relationship was pretty liberal so what can you really hold against her? And really, would Eva have something with Regulus? He was your brother. And very young at that. This can't be the only thing you are angry with her, is it? Even so, can't you forgive her? It has been so many years? Can't you see she is suffering? Hasn't she been through enough? Do you blame her for not knowing you were innocent? Because then you should be angry with me too. And you seemed to have forgiven me instantly. And to throw into her face that she is not Harry's official godmother? Come on, that's not fair. She used to be one of the few people you trusted, one of the few real friends. Don't deny it. What are you really so angry about? Can't you at least be civil for Harry's sake?_

Sirius doesn't have an answer to any of this questions but he does at least try to be civil for Harry's sake as he can see that his godson is curious about her. But there are many faces of Eva Marlowe and some are easier to stand than others. There is soft spoken but firm Healer Eva Marlowe that sits at his bedside and plies him with potions. He has reached an unspoken truce with this Eva Marlowe. It was easy. This Eva Marlowe is a stranger to him. This Eva Marlowe makes even her most opinionated statements seem inoffensive. She also has him drugged.

Then there is Eva Marlowe; the worried godmother. This one is already harder to handle as he knows she has only been exercising her right to worry about Harry for a few months. But he can recognize the real emotion behind her anxiousness about Harry. He can see she loves him. And he can see that Harry wants her in his life. And despite throwing it into her face in a fit of rage, that she was not his official godmother and thus has no rights to see him, he knows Lily and James wanted them to both be Harry's guardians and if nothing else, he respects that. So, as long as it is all about Harry, he can tolerate this Eva Marlowe. He hardly knows that one either.

The stoic faced Eva Marlowe irks him. He sees her often. He sees her whenever she talks to someone about anything that has a potential to be emotionally charged. He sees her every time she can sense _him_ in near vicinity. He cannot stand this Eva Marlowe. He knows her stoic face is a façade and he can't help but tear it down in most painful ways possible. And when one word from his poisonous mouth rips off her forced stoicism, her initial reaction is always anger. Ironically, her angry face is the one he dreads. Not because he is afraid of what this Eva Marlowe might do to him but because this one is familiar. This Eva Marlowe he knows. He knows exactly how her eyes will sparkle angrily, how her nostrils will flare, how she will grit her teeth, how her hair at one side of her head will fall out of whatever hairdo she has at the time and she will violently push it out of her eyes with an impatient jerk of her hand. He anticipates it and dreads it at the same time because this Eva Marlowe perfectly resembles Eva Marlowe he once knew.

Then there is Eva Marlowe so obviously in agony. _Her_ he hates. He hardly has any pity for her. Most of the time his lip curls in disgust at the sight of her. He can't stand that Eva Marlowe. And he can't really put a finger on why not. She has a habit of sprouting ugly truths, he doesn't want to hear but that's not it. There is more to it. There has to be. When he sees pain etched onto her face, he wants to hit her. Or strangle her. Or hex her. But he can't do that. Of course he can't. But he can talk. He can twist the metaphorical knife into her soul. He can sprout poison until she is efficiently broken. And he does it to. Until they are both shattered beyond recognition.

The Eva Marlowe in front of him is in combat mode. She has already let go of her stoic face. She is irritated but not yet in a rage. And there is that always present hint of tragedy in the way her lip twitches. She is ready to tear into him at the first sign of provocation. And he is ready to deliver. And they are both drunk enough to not consider the implications.

"My problem? Well, I have many problems. But that's to be expected, no? I did spend twelve years in Azkaban for a crime I didn't commit." The way he says it, it makes it sound like an accusation. _And why wouldn't it be? Have you forgotten how easy it was for you to accept he was a traitor, Marlowe?_ "And nobody has ever emerged from Azkaban with all their marbles intact, have they?"

And as the light catches his sneering face from an angle, he really does look mad.

"I don't think it was Azkaban. I think you were born insane. And James' death has drove you over the edge. Why else would you have laughed as they apprehended you? Why didn't you scream to anyone who would listen that you were innocent? Why didn't you demand veritaserum? Why?" As she asks those questions she realizes it has been bothering her. She admits her guilt; admits she has done nothing to check out the story. But he has also never given any indication. He acted guilty. And even before he answers, a part of her knows what he'll say.

"It didn't matter, did it? I didn't betray them but I as good as killed them. I handed a weapon to their murderer and I drove them to their death. Nothing mattered. And by the time I realized… That there's Harry… And that the traitor was still at large… It was too late." His voice breaks and he turns away from her, battling his guilt. Eva wishes she had never asked. There are things you only think you want to hear. But you don't, not really.

She gets up from the sofa, her glass in hand, torn between wanting to comfort him and turn away and flee. She makes a hesitant step towards him but doesn't dare to go further.

"It wasn't your fault. Peter tricked you. He tricked us all. You put your trust in the wrong man but you didn't kill them." She is as earnest as she can be but knows showing pity will only piss him off. He turns to look at her and for a moment she thinks he might back down and leave but then his eyes search her face and whatever he sees there, makes him curl his lips into an ugly sneer.

"You know nothing because you weren't there. You didn't see your dear Lily's dead eyes stare at you accusingly." She freezes, feeling like she has been slapped in the face.

"Sirius!" Remus is half out of his chair to intercept his friend but Sirius pays him no heed. Tonks seems reluctant to interfere but her glassy eyes follow them as if she is on a stake out.

"Don't bother, Remus," Eva tells him breathlessly.

"Yes, Remus, why do you bother with her? What has she ever done for you? Except abandon you."

It's nothing she hasn't told herself. She has even said it to Remus himself. But it's also a thought so terrible, she rarely lets it manifest in her head. Even more rarely examines it. And to have it said so blatantly, without any pretence. It exposes her bare.

"Sirius, that's between me and Eva."

"And did she ever tell you what she did in that time? What was so important that you had to abandon your friend, Marlowe? I don't see that you have anything to show, do you?"

"I-" She chokes on the words trying to escape throat. _What can she say to this anyway?_

"You have wasted away all those years. I was rotting in prison and you, you who had a chance to live your life, you wasted it. You still didn't answer; did you enjoy punishing yourself?"

She shakes her head, not in answer but in confusion. Eva doesn't understand what he wants from her. Doesn't understand what he thinks she should have done. _Forgotten all about what happened? Started a new life? Got married and had children? Would that satisfy him? Would that make any difference to him?_

"Enjoyed punishing myself?" There is no feeling in her voice as she repeats his words. Somehow she is numb. "Maybe I did. Maybe I deserved to be punished. Do you think-" Her voice raises. "-that I didn't feel responsible when my boyfriend was found a traitor and a murderer?" His face pales and she thinks it's mostly because she has referred to him as her boyfriend. Until now they had hardly acknowledged they even used to know each other. "Do you think I got over it? Do you think a person can get over something like this?"

This only seems to only make him angrier. As if he were disgusted with her pain. He takes a swig out of his glass.

"You could if you wanted to."

"So, that's the big beef you have with me. You think you have an exclusive on pain and punishment. And that I couldn't possibly be suffering as much as you did? Because I wasn't in prison I should have my life in order? Let me tell you, how it went whenever I even thought about living a _normal_ life. You think I was able to look a man, any man, in the eye and believe that he was what he said he was? That I could look a single person in the eye and not wonder who they really were? _What's their agenda? What are they hiding? What am I missing?_ How could I trust anyone ever again?"

"You never trusted me."

"I trusted you with my life!" She yells it into his face. It's true, too. She has always trusted him to protect her.

"But never with your heart!" And that's the whole other matter. "Don't tell me it's my fault. You always had trust issues. Probably since Johnathan. He did a number on you. And don't try to tell me you got over that."

"You're right, of course, I had my issues. Many of them. But I was trying. I was trying to do better. To be better. Lily was helping me as always. And in one single moment…"

"You aren't half the woman Lily was." And while she tells herself this almost every day, it is still one of those things that hurts to hear it. "Without her to guide you, you are nothing. There's nothing worth my while about you."

He empties his glass and slams it on the coffee table before pushing past her and storming out of the room. But he has now winded her up and she will not allow him to just exit the fight without saying her part. This have been a long time coming and she realizes; that itch? She was itching to fight it out.

Her glass rolls of the table onto the carpet as she bumps her knee on the table in her rush to follow Sirius.

"Stay out of this, Remus," she barks when she senses he is about to interfere. And Remus complies as he too has probably come to the conclusion it is high time they have it out. For they have not really talked about anything important. There have been leakages, angry outbursts, short exchanges of toxic words. But that wasn't enough.

She marches after Sirius, taking two stairs at the time and arrives to the top floor winded and light-headed. She doesn't hesitate though. And even though he has left the conversation, as she slams open his bedroom door, he is obviously ready for another round. She doesn't give him a chance to speak.

"Do you think you are any better? What are you without James? A common criminal. He was your moral compass and as soon as he let you out of his sight you attempted a murder. Remember?" For a moment she thinks he might actually hit her. "And you have only me to thank that James didn't go to his grave still hating you. Me! Because I went to him and begged him to forgive you. I poured my heart out and I betrayed Regulus' trust by telling James he has joined the Death Eaters. I told him you were only reacting to finding out about your brother when you sent Snape down to the Whomping Willow."

"Oh, yes, poor little misunderstood Regulus. Is that what you are saying he was? Is that why he joined the Death Eaters?"

"He had no choice."

"HE HAD A CHOICE! Everybody has a choice. I know, because I gave him a choice. I asked him to come with me. He chose wrong."

"Oh yeah? What choice did you give him? You asked a- What? Fourteen-year-old boy to move out of the safety of his mother's house to come live with you on the streets? And then return to his Slytherin friends in the midst of a Snake den?"

"I would have protected him!"

"How? Stay with him every minute of the day while he looked over his shoulder to check if someone is trying to use an Unforgivable on him?"

"We would have figured something out."

"He never had the same chances as you did, Sirius."

"Yes, he did. He had exactly the same chances. We were born to the same parents, grew up in the same house, listened to the same bullshit…"

"He didn't have James Potter! And he wasn't in Gryffindor. And he wasn't fearless like you. He wasn't a rebel. He was just a normal boy. It doesn't mean he was a bad person."

"No. Joining the Death Eaters means he was a bad person."

"He made a mistake. He tried to fix it. He tried to get out."

"A lot of good it did." And he is right. She knows it to. It didn't do anything good. _But still…_

"He was a child, as scared child, that did a lot of wrong choices under his peers' pressure and his mother's wishes. He didn't know what he was really doing. And by the time he realized what it all means, it was too late. Everybody had abandoned him. _You_ abandoned him."

"I loved my brother. I loved him." Finally, his voice shakes with an emotion that isn't anger. It is over before she can fully grasp it. Only hatred remains. "But the moment he got that mark he was dead to me."

"You condemned him and never looked back. At the end I was his only friend."

"Is that where you were those last weeks? Being his _friend_?" Eva sighs sadly at this for they have now come full circle and nothing's changed. "Don't deny it. I saw you."

"You saw what?" she spats at him. "Saw me hug him? Hold his hand in comfort? Give him a kiss on the cheek? Because that's all you _could_ have seen! One friend comforting another friend. He was nothing more than a scared boy barely out of school. And you know what?" There is a touch of hysteria in her sudden laugh. "The irony of it all; at the end, I think he was the only one who believed you were innocent. I think, remembering back, I think he tried to tell me." Another humourless laugh. "I think he knew. I think he never believed you guilty."

"Are you saying you knew I was innocent?"

"Of course I didn't know. I knew nothing! The last time I saw him, I think he tried to tell me. But I was already too far gone, too drunk, too sick with pain to listen to anything. And finding out you were innocent after all these years… I can't help but think, that maybe if I examined my memories, maybe, just maybe I would come to the different conclusion. Maybe I wouldn't just believe you were guilty. But I didn't. I have for years chased away any memory that had the audacity to permeate my consciousness. So you stayed guilty in my mind. And even now, sometimes I still forget."

For a moment he looks like she has struck him.

"It's easier for you isn't it? To forget I'm not guilty?" She knows he mocks he, when he softens his voice to be all understanding to her pain. He is just poised to strike the moment she lowers her defences. But she knows him well enough to expect it. "Just as it was so easy for you to believe I was guilty in the first place. I was a bad seed, wasn't I? I was bound to show my true colours sooner or later. I wasn't trustworthy." She looks away to avoid his burning eyes but he grips her chin between his fingers painfully and forces her to look him in the eye. "I never was trustworthy in your eyes isn't that right? You expected me to fail. And guess what? I did. Did you congratulate yourself for knowing? For never giving me all of yourself?" Her throat closes up and pressure behind her eyes increases. "Was it less painful that way?"

She can feel bruises forming on her face and she slaps his hand away. He lets her.

"After the first war, all I could do for a while was cry. And do you know what people asked me? Why do you cry Eva? The war is over. You Know Who is dead. You should rejoice. Why do you cry for Lily and James? They died a heroic death. _As if that made it any better_. _Any less dead._ Why do you cry for that good for nothing murdering lunatic that was your boyfriend? He was a traitor. Why do you cry? You should be happy he is in prison. _As if I should be grateful for it?_ I wasn't allowed to grieve. I wasn't allowed to cry. I wasn't allowed to talk about it. So, I didn't. I didn't grieve. And I stopped crying, haven't cried since," she grits out. "And I couldn't talk about any of it anyway. I pushed it all away. Because crying for you, grieving for you felt like a betrayal. It felt like a betrayal of their memory. To grieve you, it meant to betray them. I tried to forget any way I could; drink, drugs, sex, work. I repressed it. Didn't allow myself to think about it. But do you think that I got over it? That if I didn't allow myself to think of you and cry for you, that I could get any closure? That I dealt with it? That I just forgot and went on to live my life. Do you think I just found new friends? And a new boyfriend?"

"You could have. It was all over. You had a chance. You were free."

"Do you think I was free just because I wasn't in Azkaban?"

"Don't talk about what you don't know! You don't know how it was! Do you think any of your pathetic little struggles compare to having to relive all of my worst memories over and over and over? How do you think it feels having discovered my best friend murdered, his eyes empty, knowing I will never hear his laugh again? Find his dead body day after day again. I didn't even have the comfort of a single good memory of him as the dementors were upon me in an instant."

"And you think I had the luxury of reliving any of my memories? Do you think I enjoyed thinking of the grand old times? Do you think I revelled in them? I couldn't. I couldn't because all of my memories were tainted. By you. By your presence. And no matter what memory played in my mind, I always wondered what you were thinking. Did you hate us? Were you already a traitor?"

He tries to turn away from her, not wanting to listen to her anymore, but she won't let him do that. _He will hear what she has to say. That's what he wanted, didn't he?_ She makes a grab for his forearm but when he wrenches it from her grip, she grabs a hold of his shirt in both of her fists. She gets directly in his face, her heaving chest in contact with his and their faces only centimetres away. She can smell the firewhiskey on his breath. Their sudden closeness surprises her but it doesn't deter her.

"It didn't matter what memory it was. Even if you weren't smack dab in the middle of it, you were always somewhere in the periphery. Someone made a mention of your name, a girl giggled at it, someone waited for you as you just ran to the kitchens or your textbook was on the table and there was that empty spot you always fell asleep in or that tree, that you pretended to do homework under. And even when you are not part of the memory, when it's just Lily an me in our room, I couldn't even think of that. I didn't even have a comfort of that. Because I knew your name would undoubtedly sneak in that conversation and the next day she will hit your shoulder for spilling coffee on her Charms textbook. You were always there and all my memories felt _fake_. Every quidditch game I visited, every concert we went to, every class, every birthday, every conversation, every kiss. All fake. As if I had seen them all wrong at the time and I didn't want to examine them again. And sometimes they _still_ feel fake."

What happens next; she should see it coming. She should because that's how their arguments always ended. But she doesn't see it. Not at all.

He grips a fistful of her half-tied hair and pulls her head back roughly, making her scalp pulsate painfully. Her short yelp is muffled by his hard unforgiving mouth upon hers. Their teeth clash heatedly. The kiss is like everything else about him; angry, hard and bruising. It is a battle. She is digging her sharp little nails into his chest, pushing him away and pulling him closer all at once, while kissing back just as aggressively as he does. The hot desire exploding in her core, takes her by surprise. Because she hasn't been thinking about him in that way. She has until this very moment not been able to look past the blinding pain and exploding anger that consumed her at the mere thought of him. She hasn't thought of him as a man but rather as a manifestation of all the bad.

As she finally pushes him away hard enough to separate, they are left staring at each other, breathing like they had just run a marathon. A tuft of brown her is still tangled in the fingers of Sirius' right hand and a bruise is forming along Eva's face.

"Now, call that _fake_."

He smirks at her and she feels like someone poured a bucket of cold water over her head. She moves backwards until she hits the door and fumbles with the doorknob with shaking fingers. She doesn't say anything else as she closes the door behind her but an image of dishevelled hair falling into his eyes, which burn feverishly as he follows her every move, stays with her.

She descends the stairs like in a fog. Tonks says something to her but Eva can't hear her. Remus takes one look at her appearance and knows there is no use talking to her. Not right now. He gives her a bottle of firewhiskey before she has a chance to ask for it and taking a drink right out of the bottle is the last thing she remembers. She has no idea, that Remus moves her to the sofa or that Tonks conjures a pillow for her and covers her with a blanket.

In the morning, Molly looks with raised eyebrows at her presence as she stumbles into the kitchen in yesterday's wrinkled clothes, the right side of her hair falling out of a ponytail and her mouth smelling like something died in it. She knows what she has to be thinking but the truth is way worse. There is still a pile of vomit besides the sofa where she collapsed the previous night in her drunken stupor. And there's a man, sleeping in this house that had ripped open all of her wounds. And she has returned to favour.

_Here you have it, Marlowe. Just as you predicted._ _Screaming and accusations and guilt and words that neither of them could ever take back…_

She leaves the house, an ironic smile playing on her bruised lips, without saying anything. _What is there left to be said?_

Miles and miles away, up north, Harry Potter is bemused to find a letter tucked in his Herbology textbook. He opens the crumpled thing warily in the privacy of his bedroom. One corner of the parchment is ripped off, there is a hole where someone attempted to write an exclamation mark overenthusiastically and at least three ink lines from when someone ripped the parchment from beneath someone else's quill mark the letter. Not to mention there is, what seems to be blood, splattered across the top part of the letter. Two sentences are crossed out and the signature is awkwardly crammed at the very edge of the line; SiriusEva. Harry gives a chuckle at this as it seems that Eva wrote her name at the bottom of the letter first and Sirius just had to squeeze his name in front of hers. He reads the letter at least five times before showing it to his friends. Ron bluntly declares the both of them deranged and while Harry agrees, he can't help but grin every time he looks at the letter. For Dumbledore was wrong about one thing; even if the letter is indeed filled with death threats, it brings him much comfort. Because it is also filled with assurances and promises and even an attempt to scold him; _you shouldn't attack people, __even if they are little shits__. _Someone cares about him. Someone believes him, no questions asked. Someone loves him. And Harry Potter loves his deranged godfather and he could very well love the deranged woman who was supposed to be his godmother. But Harry Potter does not know the half of it.


	11. Ceasefire

**Author****'s note:** Thank you all who have been so kind to leave me a review. It always puts me in a good mood and propels me to write more.

After the previous chapter, this one might seem a bit uneventful and drama free, but there are other emotions, except anger and guilt, to explore too and Christmas setting seems to call for ceasefire. Expect for the holiday to drag through at least one more chapter. Don't worry though, drama is on its way 😉

**Ceasefire**

She has acquired a friend. A girl-friend at that. It is a foreign concept to her, as she hadn't had a girlfriend since Lily. She has no idea how it happened. Tonks just showed up at her doorstep one day in early November after that terrible fight to check up on her. So they talked some, they ordered take-out and they drank a lot of wine. Eva surprises herself by not being bothered by Tonks' presence. She is not really delighted to see her but not inclined to throw her out either. It might be because she has felt hollowed, emptied out of every emotion except disbelief since the fight with Sirius. Flashbacks of heated words and his sneering face hit her at the oddest moments, making her stop in her tracks. And when she remembers that kiss that was mostly a battle for dominance, she can hardly believe it happened. More than once she is caught staring at the wall with unfocused eyes, her mouth hanging half-open in incredulity. She tells none of this to Tonks. She is so out of practice in how to confide in anyone, Eva remains mum. And Tonks doesn't ask.

Still, after that night Tonks just kept coming back every few days. It can't compare to what she and Lily had. Nothing can. But it is still nice to have a friend. It makes her feel like a person to have someone to talk to. They even paint each other's nails once and have a sleepover (even if it is a drunk Tonks passing out and Eva letting her have half of her bed).

If it weren't for Nymphadora Tonks, Eva would not speak to anyone who wasn't her colleague or her patient for an entire month of November and most of the December. Not that this is so out of the norm for her but usually she at least goes out for drinks and dancing and hook-ups every few weeks. Shops when booze runs out and her winter cloak needs replacing or her handbag is beyond repair.

As it is, she travels only from her London flat to St Mungo's, doesn't even go grocery shopping and invents a ton of work on the evening of the only Order meeting conducted in that time. Tonks gives her a knowing look but does not try to convince her to go. And that's what Eva likes about Tonks. Where Lily would have pushed and prodded, Tonks lets her be. Where Lily would have dragged her to the meeting, Tonks promises to fill her in. Where Lily would have tried to fix everything, Tonks pours her a drink. Where her friendship with Lily was a coil of tightly wrapped emotions, her friendship with Tonks is simple. And it is not meant to be complicated.

Eva worries for a while that she is a bad influence on the younger witch but soon realizes Tonks is yet another lonely soul like her. Though she might sometimes come off as a life of a party, she is actually very socially awkward. It probably comes as a consequence of her clumsiness, her unusual abilities and being smarter than average. The friends she did have she has alienated by working too much at impossible weird hours on the job she loves with a passion. And those, who might understand her, her colleagues at the Auror office; she carries too many secrets to try to bridge the distance to any of them. Another casualty of the war.

Eva understands though why they say she is Moody's favourite Auror. She is passionate, hard-working, blunt to a point and an underdog. And Eva respects him now more than ever for choosing Tonks instead of some clichéd brawny, duelling champion of a _boy_.

The first Saturday of December, Tonks somehow convinces Eva, the hermit, to stop moping around and go to Diagon Alley for a brunch.

"I do not mope around," Eva tells her, scowling. "I just feel no joy for life at the moment. I don't want to see anyone and I don't want to leave the four walls of my flat."

It is worse than Tonks thought. But as soon as Eva sees the street, brightly lit and decorated for Christmas, she stops in her tracks, gasping.

"Oh, my god!"

"What is it?" Tonks has her wand at the ready, looking around for the danger that has upset her friend.

"I have to buy Christmas presents!" Her eyes lit up, albeit in panic, but it is more than Tonks has seen in weeks. She does not understand her reaction though; she doesn't take Eva Marlowe for much of a jolly Christmas indulger and anyway, there are still more than three weeks until Christmas.

"You still have time," she tells her carefully.

"You don't understand. I have to buy presents for Harry!"

"And his Christmas is not on the twenty-fifth?"

"I have so much to make up for. Years! I'm sorry, Dora, I can't do brunch. I have to go shopping. I'm already late!"

And for the next two weeks Tonks looks on in fascinated horror as Eva spends a whole month worth of salary and the Christmas bonus, she hadn't actually received yet, on Christmas presents, mostly intended for Harry. Tonks doesn't even try to make her see sense even if she is pretty sure Harry will be just as satisfied with a single gift from her; she obviously is beyond help and the frenzied shopping seems to ease her guilty conscience. If not for that incident that happened a week before Christmas, Tonks thinks Eva might have had to start selling her furniture to get money for more gifts.

When the news of the attack come, Eva is just wrapping up her paperwork after a double shift, which officially ended two hours ago. She has been pulling double shifts as often as possible as she had plans to lighten her workload during the holidays for the first time ever. Healer Aldridge almost had a heart attack when she informed him she will be taking a few days off. Then he offered her a Head of department position again which she politely refused. Again. Her co-workers were stunned when they learned she will not be working for Christmas this year. Of course nobody complained as she has covered all of their Christmas shifts since she has started working there. This year she wanted to spend some time with Harry. She didn't know how to make that happen as of yet. Harry was invited to the Burrow for the holidays and she hadn't dared ask Molly if she can visit. And the woman hadn't offered. Not that Eva has seen her since… She also hadn't gathered the courage to ask Harry if he wanted to spend a few days with her. _Can she take it if he refuses her? Or even worse, doesn't refuse because he feels obligated to visit but doesn't actually want to come_? He will certainly want to spend time with Sirius, too. She doesn't want to interrupt their time either. At the end though, she is spared the bother of figuring out logistics.

She knows Remus is not making a social visit as soon as she sees him walking towards her to where she is leaning against the counter, coursing at the mountain of paperwork she is filling out. She knows something is wrong and would know even if it wasn't after midnight, as Remus walks with purpose, his robe billowing behind him, a grave expression on his face.

"What's happened? Is Harry alright?"

"Can we talk? Privately?"

She is anxious for answers but nods anyway as she can feel the night nurse's curious eyes follow her. The first private room she lays her eyes on is a broom closet and she can already hear the rumours about to circle the halls of St Mungo's as she leads Remus into it and charms the closet soundproof.

"This is where you decided to-?"

"What's with Harry?" she interrupts.

"He's alright. At Grimmauld Place at the moment. It's Arthur. He has been attacked."

"Oh, Merlin. What happened?"

"I don't know the details but he was on guard tonight. It happened at the Ministry. Apparently it's bad. A snake bite. You know what that means, Eva?" Her blood runs cold.

"Voldemort."

"Yes. He's getting bolder. But this is for a later discussion. Arthur is on his way here. Will you be able to take him or will it be too suspicious? He doesn't belong to your ward exactly, does he?"

Eva waves away his worries.

"It won't be a problem. Critical cases go through Emergency ward and it's not unusual for the accepting healer to follow up on the patient and get involved in the healing process till the end. And nobody will think twice of it when it's me as I do sort of have a certain reputation for sticking my nose where it doesn't belong."

Remus snorts at this.

"Why am I not surprised?" She doesn't respond.

"Anyway, if Pye is on call as he usually is as Smethwyck can't be bothered to supervise his Trainee Healer, he'll be happy for all the help. And he is very progressive. All for integrating muggle medicine like stitches and…"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Remus interrupts her impatiently as she is about to go on a tangent.

"Right. I need to get everything ready. Should find nurse Janice, she's the most level-headed. And call Pye down here. Blood-replenishing potion and- Wait a minute!" Suddenly she remembers something, Remus hopped she has missed. At least for now. "Why is Harry at Grimmauld Place? School is still in term. What does this have to do with him?"

Remus sighs heavily but knows there is no getting out of it if he doesn't at least offer her something.

"Harry saw it all happen."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know much, Eva. He was asleep and he saw in his dream the snake attacking Arthur. And after that Albus sent him and all the Weasley children to the Order's headquarters."

"Saw it happen?" She thinks she might be sick. "How is that possible?"

"Harry has some kind of connection with Voldemort. I don't know much more. You know how Dumbledore is, all riddles and half-truths."

"Poor Harry. I have to see him." Remus grabs her forearm as she seems ready to spring from the closet to floo straight to Grimmauld Place.

"Eva! At the moment you have Arthur to take care for!"

"But-"

"Think of Molly. Think of his children. Think of Harry, if nothing else, to whom Arthur has always been most kind." There is still a tragic expression on her face and Remus wishes he didn't have to do this to her. Not when all she wants is to go comfort Harry. "Harry is fine. He is safe with Sirius."

The mention of Sirius' name finally makes her back down. With Sirius he is not only safe but also in the company of someone who will always take his side. Sirius would never judge him even if the others might.

She nods, resigned, and Remus lets her go when he is certain she will not flee.

The sort of blood-soaked chaos that ensues after is what she thrives in. When she is in her element she notices neither her exhaustion nor the fear threatening at the periphery of her mind.

It is past four in the morning when Arthur is stable enough to be transferred to his room and almost five when she manages to convince Molly that her husband will not be awake until mid-morning so she lets Bill sit with him and leaves to reassure her children and get some rest. For Eva, it takes another hour to finish her paperwork, hand over her patients, put alerts on Arthur's vitals and bully Healer Pye into calling for her immediately if there is any change. She doesn't blame him for being reluctant as she gives orders with red eyes and her hand at the counter supporting her weight. Her feet are killing her and now that the adrenalin has subsided she feels like she is about to drop.

* * *

Number 12 Grimmauld Place is quiet when she enters and it only increases her anxiousness. She knows she is being petty at a time like this but she really doesn't want to face Sirius and it would be so much easier to avoid him in the hustle and bustle of excited teenagers. Despite this, she doesn't even think of backing out. _Harry is what's important now._

Moving to the centre of the house, she can hear a low murmur of voices coming from the kitchen and when she pushes the door inwards, Molly and Sirius, the only occupants of the room, stop their conversation to look at her. She avoids looking directly at Sirius but instead catches Molly's terrified gaze.

"Arthur?"

"No changes." She leans on the doorframe to relieve her shaking legs. "Still asleep. Bill's with him and Healer Pye is under strict instructions to contact me immediately if something doesn't go according to plan. It would be too suspicious if I were there all the time. Besides I really need to rest."

Molly waves off her attempt at an apology.

"Of course you do. You already did so much. I can never thank you enough. You and Harry." Molly is looking at her teary-eyed and all Eva wishes is to be somewhere else.

"Just doing my job. How is Harry?" She rushes to change the subject.

"Shaken, poor boy. Understandingly. But I'm sure he will feel a lot better after a few hours of sleep." Molly's reassurances do nothing to quell her worries and when her eyes finally catch Sirius', she knows he is worried, too. He is otherwise not showing any outward emotions and she can only hope he doesn't want to fight because right now she has no stomach for it. "I'll take him and the others to see Arthur after lunch."

Soon, Molly gets up to catch some shut-eye herself. As she approaches Eva who is still leaning on the doorframe, she envelops her in a tight hug and whispers her thanks into her ear. Despite herself, Eva sinks into the embrace. She is hungry for affection and this motherly tenderness almost completely disarms her.

When Molly finally leaves, there are only the two of them left. She asks the question again.

"How is Harry? Really?"

For a moment it looks as if Sirius intends to stay stubbornly quiet but then he sighs, running his hand through his hair anxiously.

"Scared. Confused. Full of guilt?"

"Guilty about what?"

"About the attack. About seeing it happen through the eyes of the snake."

"Merlin." She stumbles forward and finally collapses into the chair nearest to the door, putting her elbow on the table and supporting her forehead on the palm of her hand.

"He thinks he's going mad. He told me so. Told me he feels like there is a snake inside him and that he wanted to attack Dumbledore. He came to me for advice and I had no idea what to say to him. I totally froze. I told him he should go to sleep. Like that will make it any better!"

Sirius slams a fist onto the table in frustration and instead of jumping in fright, the noise propels Eva to move sideways and slid into a chair closest to him. He doesn't look up from the tabletop.

"What do you think this is though? Harry couldn't really have been at the ministry."

"No, of course not. I'm sure there will be many conspiracy theories about him being possessed or some such shit but that's not possible. He was in his bed at Hogwarts."

"But he obviously has some kind of connection with Voldemort. Merlin, he's only a fifteen-year-old boy. He shouldn't have to deal with all this." She tries to run her hands through her hair and massage her aching head but hits the knot at the back of her head. She pulls the elastic band from her hair pretty roughly but is relieved when the pressure alleviates and her hair falls down in distorted curls. The pounding headache persists though.

"No, he shouldn't. But he is. And I have no idea how to help him deal. He came to me and I…" He trails off and his resignation stirs something inside her. She, who has been as pessimistic as one can be for as long as she has been aware of herself, finds herself wanting to give him hope.

"Sirius, he doesn't expect you to give him a solution. He came to you because he trusts you. He just wanted someone to listen to him. To acknowledge his worries."

Sirius snorts self-depreciatingly.

"And I sent him to bed. And when I said it, I truly wanted to believe that a few hours of sleep will make it all better."

"Sometimes sleep can do wonders."_ It would do wonders for her right about now._ "Alright, so you could have done better. And you will. Next time you will do better." Finally, he looks up and seems almost surprised when his eyes roam her face.

She is not vain, or at least whatever vanity she ever had, has been long since beaten out of her, but she wonders anyway what he sees when he looks at her. She knows her hair must be a fright after she let it down after twenty-four hours; it feels sturdy and untamed. Any make-up she has put on has long since been sweated off and even though she can't see her reflection, she is pretty sure there must be deep purple circles under her eyes. Still, she wonders if underneath it all he ever catches a face of her former self.

"Yeah?" He raises a questioning eyebrow at her. "What makes you think that?"

She shrugs.

"Because. It's Harry. And you have to. So, you will." He says nothing, only continues to stare at her until she averts her eyes. She only then notices the dirty plates around the table, obviously left over from early breakfast and suddenly she realizes she is starving. _When was the last time she ate? Monday?_

She hesitates for only a moment before dragging a basket of some left-over toast closer to her and cramming a piece into her mouth. Once she gets a taste for it though, a piece isn't nearly enough. She checks the plates around her and finds most of them wiped off. A heavy pan with some scrambled eggs is suddenly dropped in front of her on the table and she digs right into them without pausing. She only dares to look up at Sirius to thank him when she is full. She finds him looking at her in fascination. Once again, she wonders what he must think of her, looking a fright and eating like a homeless person.

"You have to tell Dumbledore," she reminds him. "About what Harry told you. I'm sure he will have some ideas. He won't share them with us, but he will have them."

"I'll tell him, yes. But right now, Dumbledore is the least of my worries. Harry is… He is not well. It is only two years since we met anew but he is so very different now from that boy." Eva feels like her heart is about to beat right out of her chest and her recent breakfast suddenly feels like a bad idea. Sirius; he's always been fearless and for him to express his fears and helplessness so clearly, it says a lot. She stares at him, wide-eyed and all too awake.

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know. Just that I wish he didn't have to grow up so fast. Not in that way."

Eva knows exactly what he means.

They sit in silence both caught in their own heads until she finally gets up.

"I'll go see Harry. Are he and Ron in the same room they were during the summer?"

"Yes. But he went to sleep an hour ago. He had a rough night."

"He's not sleeping. The last time he went to sleep he saw himself almost murdering someone. He's not asleep." She says this matter-of-factly, dragging her feet towards the stairs.

"You're probably right," he murmurs.

Remembering something she turns towards him at the door, biting her lip hesitatingly.

"Unless… Do you want to go?"

"You should go. I think you're better equipped for this."

_Really? Better equipped with what? A vagina? _

"I'm not. Neither of us is. This is something Lily and James should be doing." She runs a frustrated hand through her already messy hair. "God, it wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to be the fun godparents. The slightly unreliable babysitters. Letting him do things his parents were opposed to, spoiling him with expensive things and having him over every once in a while, to stay up late and gorge on sweets. This is what we are equipped for. Not… this." She carelessly indicates with her a wave of her hand towards the whole universe.

She doesn't wait for him to answer.

The house is eerily quiet as she climbs the stairs slowly. At the door to Harry and Ron's bedroom she stops to put an ear to the door and when she can hear nothing, she opens the door slowly, hoping not to wake up Ron and by chance that he is actually sleeping, Harry.

Ron seems to sleep like the dead and if she were to guess, not even a _Reducto_ right over his head could wake him up. Harry on the other hand rests on his bed in an uncomfortable position, still in his day-time clothes unnaturally still. Eva hesitates briefly before sitting at the edge of his bed slowly.

"Harry," she whispers. But he doesn't move. "Harry, I know you're not asleep."

There is a moment where nothing happens and Eva is about to get up and leave him alone. He is not required to talk to her after all. But then he opens his beautiful emerald eyes and the pain she sees there makes her gasp for air.

"Harry." Instinct takes over and she runs her thumb over the side of his face. His eyes drop in exhaustion before he drags them open by force. "You need to sleep."

He shakes his head.

"I can't. I shouldn't."

"Harry, it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything."

"You don't know that. You don't know. I was the snake. I wanted to-"

She shushes him as he starts to get worked up.

"I know. Calm down. Sirius told me what happened. He is very worried for you."

"He is? He didn't seem to think much about it when I told him," Harry mutters resentfully.

"And now he's beating himself up about it. Harry, he just didn't want you to worry. It doesn't mean he didn't hear your concerns."

Harry sighs but nods.

"I still have them, though. My concerns."

"I know." Once again she runs her fingers over his cheek. "I know, Harry. But you need to rest. You need to sleep."

"I can't. What if I attack someone? What if I-"

"You didn't attack Arthur. You couldn't. You were at Hogwarts and Arthur was in London for one thing."

"I know and I'm telling this to myself but still… I don't want to go to sleep."

There is a desperate fear in his shaky voice and written all over his face. All Eva wants to do is to hold him in her arms like she did when he was a baby and chase his fears away. _Oh, if only it was this easy._

"Alright. What if I sit here while you sleep? I can make sure you don't go anywhere or hurt anyone." Even if she doesn't believe there is any possible way he could do it. He looks uncertain.

"What if you can't stop me? What if I attack you?"

"I am a fully trained witch, Harry. I know you're the best DaDA student in your year but I can still take you on. And I can scream really laud, too." She smiles at him and gets a light chuckle in return. "I will watch over you. I promise not to fall asleep." Even as she says it her eyes burn in exhausted protest.

He bites his lip but nods reluctantly.

"Okay."

She urges him to change into his pyjamas and get under the covers. Then as he scoots towards the wall, she sits beside him, her back straight along the headboard and her socked feet on the covers. They both settle down but his eyes are still wide open as he is not only still worried but probably unused to someone else's presence in his bed. But it only takes a few strokes of her hand through his messy hair for him to close his eyes and for his breathing to deepen. _How many times did she saw Lily do that? And how many times did he fell asleep scared without his mother's touch? How many times did he need a hug and she wasn't there? How many times did he need her?_

The monster in her chest claws at her throat and threatens to swallow her whole. There is no reprieve for her at that moment. No way to push it out of her mind. No alcohol, no drugs, no potions, no sex, no work, not even the sweet oblivion of a well-deserved sleep. She has promised after all. And she wows to keep this promise. She can't offer him much. Not anymore. He is almost an adult. But she will keep this promise. Even if it kills her. And it is torture. Absolute torture, keeping her eyes open. But she dares not even get up to find the Pepper-up to help her through the next five hours.

She has no idea how many times the back of her head has smacked against the stone wall but by the time she is alerted to the rustling of sheets from across the room, she is certain she has a minor concussion. Ron raises his eyebrows when he notices her presence but leaves the room without commenting. He comes back half an hour later to inform them that lunch is ready.

His mind still thick with sleep, Harry seems confused by her presence.

"Morning. Did you sleep well?" she asks kindly. He blinks bewilderedly a few times before his eyes clear up.

"Oh. Yeah. I did. You are still here?"

"Of course. I did promise, didn't I?"

"I'm sorry. You didn't have to do that. I didn't- I don't-" He stutters undecidedly and averts his eyes embarrassed.

"It's okay, Harry. I wanted to do it."_ It's nothing compared to how many sleepless nights she owes him. _"And it was nothing, really. Just a little night vigil. Or morning vigil."

He looks up at her, studying her face intensely, presumingly looking for insincerity.

"You look very tired. I'm sorry about that."

She laughs at this and ruffles his hair.

"The last time I put you to sleep you were six months old. Your mom was down with flu and your dad was off somewhere on a mission or drinking expedition with Sirius and I had been volunteered to babysit. You screamed your cute little head off for three hours straight while I paced around the flat and bounced you in my arms like a woman possessed. I couldn't lift my arms above my head for an entire week. So, you see, this was nothing. We've been through way worse."

She is smiling at Harry and he can't help but smile back still a little embarrassed. But as always; any link she gives him to his past, he holds onto it hungrily.

"Did you babysit me a lot?"

"Sometimes. When I could get your mom to separate from you." She chuckles at her own joke, but Harry seems to get lost in a memory he imagines. "Alright, now get dressed. Molly has lunch ready and then you're all going to St Mungo's to visit Arthur."

This seems to ground him and immediately Eva longs to see his smile again.

"You're not going?" She shakes her head.

"No, not yet. Sorry. If I'm to keep some semblance of a cover, I can't parade in St Mungo's with you lot. And I need to rest a bit anyway. My next shift starts at five pm."

After that she sends Harry downstairs and she herself goes to the bathroom. Once there she can't decide what to do; shower, wash her face, brush her teeth… She sits down on the toilet lid to gather her scrambled thoughts and rest her feet. For just a moment. The next thing she sees is Sirius, standing above her in a strange sideways position.

"Harry said you've been in here for ages. What the hell are you doing?"

She blinks away the dryness of her eyeballs and smacks her parched lips a few times. As she takes notice of the cold porcelain of a sink underneath her cheek, she realizes it is not Sirius in a sideways position. It is her upper body. She lifts her extremely heavy head and wipes off the excess drool from her chin with the back of her hand. At least the drool was mostly caught by the sink.

"Marlowe, there is a number of perfectly good beds in this house. Why don't you make use of one of them? There is no need to sleep in the bathroom."

"I wasn't." He raises a sceptic eyebrow at her. "I mean, I didn't mean to fall asleep. I just wanted to rest for a second."

"Didn't you sleep after you checked-up on Harry?" She shakes her head while yawning widely.

"No. I promised Harry I will keep an eye on him while he sleeps. Poor kid thought he might attack somebody in his sleep."

"He wouldn't."

"I know that. But he doesn't believe it completely. And I just wanted him to have a carefree rest."

For a few moments Sirius doesn't say anything, only stares at her like he's trying to discover her deepest darkest secret. If she wasn't so tired, she might feel uncomfortable.

"You can take the room at the end of the hall if you want to sleep. Nobody is using it at the moment."

"Oh. Um, alright." To say that she is surprised by the offer is putting it mildly. "Where's Harry?"

"At St Mungo's with Weasleys, Tonks and Mad Eye."

"Oh. They left already." Suddenly she springs onto her feet in panic. Sirius eyes her weirdly as she nearly bowls him over. "What time is it? I have to be at work at five. And I'm not ready. I have to shower and-"

"Relax. It's not even one yet." She slowly slides back onto the toilet lid in relief. " You have to be back at five already? Isn't that a bit soon? I know healers don't have a normal schedule but that's pushing it a little isn't it?"

"My shift was actually long over when they brought Arthur in," she tells him distractedly. Now that the offer of real sleep has come up, that's all she can think about.

"So, it's not normal to work this much? And be this tired?"

Eva shrugs at this.

"It's pretty normal for me. And I've been working a lot of doubles. I want to spend some time with Harry. On Christmas. Or around Christmas." She looks at him, all her vulnerability on display. "If he'll want to."

He opens his mouth to say something but changes his mind and closes it again.

"I wouldn't trust you to heal a papercut in the state you're in. Last door on the left," he tells her again and leaves the bathroom abruptly.

* * *

Somebody raps on the door of her temporary bedroom at around four in the afternoon, making her sit up in bed blearily, but leaving her with enough time to shower, scourgify the clothes she has slept in, ran a comb through her hair and descend to the kitchen for a pot of coffee and some sandwiches. She interrogates Molly about the visit to Arthur, listens Remus, Tonks and Mad Eye debate Harry's visions, exchanges tense uncomfortable looks with Sirius but doesn't catch sight of Harry in the time she has before she has to leave for work.

She says her goodbyes soon but doesn't get further then the entry hall. Sirius gestures her to follow him to the dining room. She eyes him warily but figures she better take advantage as they seem to be in a temporary ceasefire. They hadn't really fought and neither did they mention the brutal fight that happened almost two months ago. Much less the kiss. It seems safe. Not that she is delusional enough to think he has forgotten about it. Much less stopped despising her.

"The Weasleys are spending the holidays here," he starts without preamble while she is still occupied trying to avoid the cobwebs hanging in front of her face. "So is Harry."

"Oh." _She knows where this is going. So much for spending time with Harry._

"The room you slept in today is empty."

"What?" That's not what she expected at all. _Is he saying what she thinks he's saying_? She barely dares to hope.

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" He seems frustrated by her astonishment. "You want to spend Christmas with Harry. Harry will be here so it's convenient for you to stay, too."

"I- Really? Thank you so much. You don't know how much this means to me." She is so grateful she could hug him. Instead she rambles like a nervous schoolgirl. "I just wanted-"

"Save it." Sirius seems uncomfortable with her gratefulness. "I want what's best for Harry. And Harry wants to spend time with you, too. Besides," he ads grudgingly, "Lily and James did want you to be his godmother and guardian. Despite want I may have said in a heat of a moment, I wouldn't keep you from him." She also has not forgotten his mocking scoff and his poisonous words as he hurt her where he knew she will bleed most. _Telling her she wasn't his godmother… that she had no rights to him… that she hadn't fought for him…_

"Oh. Right. Still, this is your house and I am grateful."

"It's the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix." She relents and nods as he obviously doesn't want her gratitude. Doesn't want her to think he stopped hating her just because he did something nice for her.

_Was it really a good idea to spend weeks in close quarters with him? Probably not. Definitely not. But it's Harry. And he needs all the support he can get right about now. She can't let him down. Not again._

"I'll come back tomorrow evening after I get some sleep, following my shift, and gather some necessities." He nods and starts to leave. "Sirius?" He turns to her at the door and raises a questioning eyebrow at her.

She opens her mouth to say something. _But what? What is she supposed to say? Acknowledge their temporary truce? There is no need for that. Thank him again. He doesn't want to hear it. Mention that kiss? And say what? What is there to say about it? He hates her. He thinks nothing of it. There is no need saying it, too. Apologise? Apologise for what? Apologise for that fight? Why? He was as much part of it as she was. Apologise for her cruel words? For everything she has thrown into his face? It was all true after all. She had meant every word. Apologise for the way that she had said it? For the way she didn't mince her words? For the way she set out to hurt him? He wouldn't thank her for it. He wouldn't care for her guilty conscience. It is her burden to bear, not his._ She closes her mouth. Opens it twice more but nothing comes forth.

She shakes her head to get rid of those thoughts.

"See you tomorrow," she says softly, feeling frustrated with her inability to say the right words. It feels unfinished.


	12. Merry Chirstmas

**Merry Christmas**

Eva Marlowe is grateful for magic as she makes an appearance at Number 12 Grimmauld Place the following evening. There is no telling how many trips it would take to get all her stuff, not to mention a mountain of Christmas presents, moved to a whole other location, if not for the Shrinking charm. It was sure to wake up Mrs Black's portrait if she were to lug enormous bags past the portrait and up the stairs. Not to mention she was bound to get tangled in those Christmas decorations someone decided to put up in the last twenty-four hours since she has been gone.

She hesitates in the entry hall for a while, torn between hiding in her temporary room and saying hello to Harry and checking up on him. She mostly decides to pop down to the kitchen because it is just plain rude to simply move into a random room without letting the occupants of the house know she has arrived. She is disappointed though when she doesn't spot Harry among the gathered group in the kitchen. Actually, she can spot none of the children, which she finds weird as it is only eight in the evening.

"Wotcher, Eva." She smiles at Tonks' greeting and makes a strange little wave as a hello to everyone else. The mood among the adults is peculiar; half expectant and half apprehensive.

"I love what you've done with the place," she comments, pointing to the ornaments, that are draped around the kitchen, too. "I especially liked those Santa hats on elves' heads."

Remus rolls his eyes and Molly shrieks, as she has obviously not been informed of this, and scrambles out of the kitchen, muttering something about the twins.

"That's what you get when the self-appointed decorating committee consists of Fred and George and Sirius." Remus tries for stern, but she can see him trying to hide his grin. Tonks giggles at her side and Eva can't help but join in.

"I think it's an improvement," Sirius says. There is still a smile on her lips as she looks at him. She tries not to show her surprise at his appearance but cannot quite manage to suppress the flinch backwards. He has managed to mostly shake off the homeless vibe and the smell of stale firewhiskey that clung to him the day before. He has shaved and even cut his hair to a length above his shoulders and his shirt seems to be not only clean but also ironed. She has not seen him this put together since their reunion. She guesses the house full of people does wonders to his mood as he also seems moderately amicable. "I thought you changed your mind."

"No." She shakes her head. "Packing just took longer than I expected."

"Packing?" asks Remus. _Okay, so Sirius hasn't told him, she will be staying at the headquarters for the holidays. Did he change his mind?_ She looks helplessly from Remus to Sirius for some indication of what to say but Remus keeps looking at her expectantly and Sirius seems more interested in observing a garland hanging over Bill's head than helping her out. _So typical._

"I- Well, I am staying here for as long as the children are here. To spend some time with Harry." She looks questioningly at Sirius again but he gives no indication that he has heard her. Remus looks from her to Sirius in surprise but Sirius doesn't say anything to him either. Eva shrugs at Remus.

"Oh, that's nice," Remus finally forces out even as she can see doubt on his face. He remembers perfectly well how they get along. Tonks seems equally as sceptic as her eyes swish from Sirius to her.

"Speaking off, where are all the children?" She asks this mostly to change the subject. "It seems a bit early for them to go to bed, isn't it?"

They exchange apprehensive looks among themselves and the mood gets gloomy.

"They are probably trying to lure Harry out of the attic," Tonks answers.

"What? Why would he be in the attic?"

"He's been hiding since we came back from visiting Arthur."

"Did something happen while you were there?" Tonks shakes her head slowly.

"Not that I could tell. I'm not the most perceptive person but I've been thinking back to it and I can think of nothing that would upset him."

"Has anyone talked to him?" They all shake their heads or shrug their shoulders.

"He has been avoiding all of us. And we can't really force him to talk to us if he doesn't want to. Maybe he needs some space." Remus seems to be trying to appease his guilty conscience.

"I thought if we act like everything is normal, he will eventually see, that we don't think he's abnormal and he'll join us decorating the house," Sirius contributes to the conversation. Eva pinches the bridge of her nose in exasperation. If anything, Harry probably thinks they are happy to live on without him. His pride wouldn't allow him to join them. She chances a glance at Tonks and finds her looking at her sceptically.

_Men. Some things really need a woman's touch. No matter how unequipped, non-motherly and out of touch with the world that woman is._

"Sirius has sung his entire collection of Christmas carols at the top of his voice to lure him down," Remus tells her hopelessly.

"His entire collection?" she repeats doubtfully. They all nod.

"He does have a nice singing voice," Tonks agrees. Eva bits her lip. She remembers. She can't remember the sound of it but she remembers he has a nice voice. A shiver runs down her spine. "Too bad it doesn't run in the family."

"I should go see him." She is about to get up but Remus puts a hand on her forearm to stop her.

"I think maybe you should wait. Hermione arrived a few hours ago and I think she might have more luck talking to him."

Sirius seems to agree.

"She's a smart girl. And Harry's best friend."

Eva purses her lips displeased but nods anyway. Hermione knows him better than she does, after all.

She eats left-over dinner when Molly returns grumbling something about permanent sticking charms and then unpacks all of her bags slowly, leaving the door of her new bedroom open. When she can hear Hermione and Ginny walking past her room, she is quick to pop her head around the doorframe to look at them inquisitively.

"Hi, girls."

"Hi, Eva. I didn't know you're staying here." Ginny looks curiously at the mess of half unpacked things all over her room.

"Hey, no peeking at the Christmas presents!" She closes the door behind her. "Yes, I've been…" she hesitates to find the right word, "invited to stay here during the holidays."

The girls exchange quick looks of surprise but offer their sincere if a bit concerned approval. They have obviously not forgotten her previous interactions with Sirius either.

"Harry will be happy to have you here," Hermione tells her with a soft smile.

"You think?" She cannot hide anxiousness in her voice.

"I do. Very much so." There is no reason not to believe her and Eva breathes a sigh of relief.

"Is he- Did you-" She doesn't want to ask her something that would make her betray his confidence but she just wants to know if Harry is okay. Hermione and Ginny exchange another look and seem to read her mind.

"He's in his room with Ron." She nods grateful at Hermione's words. "I'm sure he would like to see you."

Ginny nods in agreement.

"It's good for him to have a woman to talk to." Eva raises her eyebrows at Ginny's insight that is so similar to her own. "Men are sometimes so…" Ginny struggles to find words but there is no need as both a very serious Hermione and an amused Eva nod along with her.

Not much later she knocks on the door of Harry and Ron's bedroom and the door opens in an instant as Ron barges out with an armful of bathroom supplies.

"Oh, sorry, Eva." He apologises and leaves the door open for her as he leaves down the hall.

"Hey, Harry." He looks up at her with shameful eyes as if he expects her to scold him.

"Hi, Eva."

"Soooo, I heard some things." Harry throws himself back onto the bed exasperated and defeated. Eva can't help but laugh. "Don't worry, I'm not here to preach. I just want to make sure you're okay." He remains quiet. "So, are you? Okay?"

He sits up slowly and looks at her.

"Yeah. I think so. I was just confused. And unreasonable apparently." Eva smiles and sits on Ron's bed to face him.

"Hermione?"

"Yes. And Ginny. And Ron. All of them."

"They are good friends. Hold on to them." Her voice breaks at this and she has to look away. "Did you sleep, Harry? You need to sleep. If you want, I can stay-"

"No. It's okay. I slept. Really. I just… I heard something and I thought I might be possessed by Voldemort and I didn't really feel like being among others."

"Harry-"

"I know. Hermione already talked to me. And Ginny who has _actually_ been possessed by him. Her first year. And she assured me that's not how it is."

"Merlin, I totally forgot about that," she says guiltily.

"Me too," Harry admits even more guilty.

"I bet she hasn't, has she?"

"No, she hasn't," he says solemnly. They are quiet for a while, contemplating the trauma that must still be Ginny's constant companion.

"So, we can expect you to join the Christmas cheer tomorrow morning? I heard Sirius has broken out his singing voice to cheer you up."

"That was to cheer me up? Oh."

"Don't worry, he's not offended. Just concerned. And he might start on his repertoire of dirty songs if you don't come down soon. Trust me, none of us wants to hear that." They both smile, Harry red from embarrassment, but he promises to join them.

"Will you be here tomorrow too?"

"Oh, I didn't tell you. I'm staying here for the holidays," she tells him cheerfully. "Unless… You don't want me here? Maybe you would rather be alone with Sirius and the Weasleys. I don't have to be here. I was planning to invite you to my place for a few days but I didn't want to force you. The current arrangement works just as well. Or even better. Unless you don't want-"

"Eva!" He interrupts her ramblings wide eyed. "I'm glad you'll be here for the holidays."

She bites her lower lip, slightly embarrassed by her outburst but still unable to conceal her grin.

"I'm glad to be here." She prepares to leave then. "I you need anything, Harry, don't hesitate to ask."

She knows he hasn't told her everything. As always, he keeps his fears, his guilt and his sorrow close to his core. She wants to interrogate him, to dissect his feelings and lighten his burden. But she cannot force it. He doesn't trust her completely. He might never trust her. But she will keep trying. For now she tries to be happy to at least be a guest at the hypothetical future party.

For Eva the week that follows is a strange one. For one, she only goes to work twice. The house is peaceful but there is certain excitement in the air. Sirius seems to be in such a jolly mood that everyone gets infected by his Christmas cheer. He _does_ start on his list of dirty songs, which the twins are more than happy to join in and even Harry and Ron, not to mention Remus, get pulled in while Eva makes it her mission to distract Molly. Everybody helps with cleaning and decorating (Eva notices that the house-elves heads are now sporting long white beards to complete the Santa hats, much to Molly's chagrin), the whole house is alight with laughter, Remus has even manged to shut-up Mrs Black's portrait for the time being, Tonks has taken it upon herself to make a batch of eggnog every time she comes around (which is not seldom), Harry seems to be enjoying himself and, with the exception of a rare snarky comeback, the only fight she had gotten into with Sirius was about the non-existent colour theme of Christmas ornaments. She feels involved in everything and everyone's lives.

Through the week her eyes never stray away from Harry for long. It is not just that she is looking for signs of fatigue and stress on his face. She looks on as he laughs with Ron at something Fred is saying, as he modestly thanks Molly for the plate she puts in front of him, as his eyes light up talking of flying and then dim again as he remembers his Quidditch ban, as melancholy colours the lines of his face when he sees Molly hug Ron (even as he tries to escape her grip), as his own eyes follow Sirius, always making sure he is near, always being aware where in the room he is, always sneaking looks at the door when he isn't there. Every time she sees this anxious worry he has for his godfather, a worry that he will blink, and he will be gone from his life, a heavy weight settles in her stomach. Not because he doesn't look at her the same way (maybe a little). But because she knows how little it takes for something to be ripped out of your life. Harry knows it too and she hates the fact that he does. Nevertheless, despite everything he has been through, in life and these past few weeks, Harry handles it with remarkably little amount of bitterness for a teenager with such a load on his shoulders. Oh, of course he is angry and resentful and has made himself heard. But he is still here, still kind and sweet and forgiving. Way too forgiving.

* * *

On the day of Christmas Eve, Molly gets them all up before seven as they apparently have much to do. And much is not even the right word. By late lunch Eva is ready to drop and supposedly, they are not even halfway done. Her oldest and rattiest sweatpants and t-shirt are dusty, sweaty and draped with cobwebs from all the cleaning, decorating, baking and cooking, Molly has forced her into. Her hair in a messy bun at the top of her head is not faring much better. She admits it is not all bad. She has fun baking cookies with Harry and his friends but she absolutely detests cooking. And it's not even really cooking. It's chopping onions and peeling potatoes and stirring the sauce as she can't be trusted with anything else. She does it with a scowl that makes Harry, Ron and Hermione hide smiles in their hands, the twins laugh right into her face and Ginny glare fiercely at all the others in sympathy and go on a feminist speech about inequality of the sexes.

She is almost relived to be sent to crawl all over the attic to look for more decorations. Still, she curses like a sailor, uses her wand more than once to kill a bunch of crawly things and spits out mouthfuls of dust. The decorations are not usable though unless someone wants to be strangled by a chain of Christmas lights.

She finds Sirius and Remus hiding in one of the bathrooms where she herself intends to take a breather. They sit at the toilet lid and the edge of a bathtub respectively and when she whips open the door, jump to their feet almost falling one over another, trying to hide the booze.

"What are you two doing?" she asks suspiciously.

"Cleaning." Sirius pushes a dirty mop into her face. She shoves it away.

"Get that out of my face. And give me some of that fierewhiskey."

"What firewhiskey?"

"The one you're hiding in the bathtub. Now! Or I'm telling Molly you're slacking off and getting drunk in here."

"You wouldn't." She narrows her eyes at him and after he takes a good look at her disgusting appearance and murderous glare, he offers her a bottle. Her relief is short-lived, though.

"Eva? Did you find those lights?" Molly yells and Eva rolls her eyes.

She opens the door and hollers irritably: "They tried to strangle me when I lit them. Do you still want them?"

Sirius and Remus snort but Eva still looks homicidal.

"Leave them then. We have enough anyway. Come down here! Mundungus is bringing the tree any time now. We are all helping decorate."

Eva clenches her fists and smacks her forehead on the doorframe.

"You two better come down in next five minutes. I'm not putting up a tree by myself. It is sure to be a process like everything else."

She is right of course as Molly dictates Sirius to change the position of the tree so many times, he probably wishes for those lights from the attic. And when the position is just right, the real work starts as the branches are not equal on all sides. It does make her smile though when she can see Harry putting the Christmas balls onto the branches, his face alight with laughter. She smiles because she knows, that's the scene Lily would revel in. She would love this. She would also change the position of the tree at least fifty times more.

After that Molly freaks out as she still hasn't baked the cake and she has promised to visit Arthur and bring him dinner. She looks so distraught that, despite the fact, that the woman has practically tortured her for the whole day, Eva somehow volunteers to bake the bloody cake. She has no idea how Molly has guilted her into this. When the door closes behind the older woman and she remains alone with a complicated recipe and a table full of ingredients, the silence in the kitchen seems imminent.

She takes a glance at the recipe and feels panic consume her. She has no idea where to start. She runs after Molly to tell her she has changed her mind.

In the drawing room, where most of the others rest, watching the tree and drinking eggnog, Sirius raises a sceptical eyebrow as Molly informs them she is going to visit Arthur, and Eva will kindly bake a cake in her absence.

"She will bake a cake?"

"Yes."

"And you left her there alone?"

"Why wouldn't I leave her alone? It's just a cake. And I left her a very simple recipe."

"Listen, Molly. I have seen that woman cry maybe five times since I have first met her at eleven years old. One of those times was over a cake. A full-blown meltdown at that. It ended with me being sent all over magical and muggle London to hunt down a cake at nine in the evening on New Year's Eve."

Most everyone chuckles at that as Sirius gulps down his drink, Harry eagerly sits forward in his chair to not miss a word of it and Molly looks suddenly worried. Eva gaps from the doorway, where she has joined them without them noticing. She cannot believe he would tell them that. At this point in their lives she could hardly believe him to admit he once went to the same school as her or breathed the same air, much less admit he has seen her cry. More than once. Or ran around the city looking for a cake they could do without, just because she was inconsolable about it.

"That's not how it happened," Eva states incredulously. Everyone turns to look at her. And she knows, she must be a sight. "And it was Harry's first New Year's Eve. We needed a cake."

Sirius scoffs and rolls his eyes.

"Harry slept through the whole night. And he was too little to be allowed any cake at all."

"That's not the point!" It's ridiculous, she knows, to fight about something that happened fifteen years ago but her frayed nerves still make her pout like a five-year-old. And it's better to pout then stare at him in astonishment. "I just wanted- Oh, never mind. I'm going to go bake that cake. And I 'll try not to _cry_ over it!"

She storms off but can still hear his response.

"You do that."

She returns to the kitchen and takes another look at the recipe, taking a deep breath.

"Okay. I've got this. It's just like potions."

She hasn't _got it_. And it's definitely _nothing_ like potions. She thankfully doesn't cry over it. She wants to, though. They don't have cake this Christmas. She figures Molly will have to forgive her someday.

The dinner is a boisterous and crowded affair as half of the Order seems to join them at the table. Eva is grateful for she has no time to get lost in her inner turmoil. Not to mention, alcohol flows freely. She paces herself though.

After dinner she still has presents to wrap. For Harry she has a mountain of mostly clothes, candy and books. She has thought about giving him something special but realized she really has nothing. She never was sentimental about things and it feels cheesy and fake to give more purpose than it deserves to some random object. She also has presents for all the Weasley children and Hermione and things like chocolate, alcohol or some small trinkets for the adults. She contemplates about giving something to Sirius and comes to the conclusion that if she is to give him anything, he cannot know about it. She gives him a peaceful Christmas night. Eva smiles to herself when she sees him gulp down a glass of eggnog spiced with Dreamless sleep potion. He is none the wiser.

Her own dreams that night, like many nights in the last two months, are plagued by Jonathan's last smile.

On Christmas morning she decides she should make some effort. She hasn't celebrated Christmas since before Lily's death. Harry was only five months old then. He's fifteen now. That's a long period of time. She can barely remember what's she supposed to be feeling. With Lily, there was always that contagious giddiness of a Christmas morning. Eva didn't really care about decorating the tree and opening presents and baking cookies and drinking eggnog and lighting a fire in the fireplace and reading Christmas stories in front of the fire and going for a walk to look at Christmas lights and sitting for dinner with friends and family and making a chocolate cake and rolling around in the snow with friends. But Lily loved it all and her enthusiasm was so genuine that it pulled Eva right into it. When Lily died, for Eva, so did Christmas. And she cannot remember how she is supposed to feel. Yesterday she mostly felt frustrated and tired and out of her comfort zone. And that's how Molly looked too, irritable and short for time, so she figures that is the norm. But that was yesterday, Christmas morning was something special. She is supposed to_ feel_ special.

She puts on her nice matching underwear. Not the sexy set but a nice set. Merlin knows why as nobody will see it. She pulls on a pair of fairly new pair of thick black leggings that have no holes in them and are not see-through over her arse and a soft, curve hugging, cashmere sweater in turquoise colour. She brushes her washed hair until it's silky between her fingers and pulls it away from her face. She even puts on a light make-up and a lip gloss in deep red, paints her nails the same colour and sprinkles on a few drops of perfume. A pair of red and green socks with red-nosed reindeers completes her outfit.

She looks at herself in the mirror. It isn't bad. But she still feels no different. It's same old Eva Marlowe. Same old broken image. Only in nice underwear.

She catches sight of a small pile of presents at the foot of her bed and approaches tentatively. For a while she stands above them and then crouches to start opening them slowly. She's not overly excited about presents, has never been, but she knows it's expected of her to open them. Lily loved that part. And Eva loved watching her face lit up as she tore open the wrapping paper with excitement of an eight-year-old. Her smile is sad as she thinks of past Christmases and she feels strangely melancholic. She's pretty sure that's not supposed how she's supposed to be feeling. She has no idea where the nostalgia comes from. At her house, Christmas was a formal affair when they still celebrated and while true, Lily loved it, all in all it was never a big deal. For her and Sirius it was mostly an excuse to get drunk.

A present from Molly and Arthur (her very first Weasley sweater) makes her think she is thought off as one of the kids in the house, a box of Belgian chocolates from Remus brings a smile upon her face and a bottle of Ogden's finest from Tonks calls for a toast. Even Harry has bought her a pair of soft purple velvet gloves. They remind her of the purple robe she once borrowed from Mrs Black's closet and she giggles to herself.

Hearing the house starting to wake up, she walks down the hall and pauses at the open door of Harry and Ron's bedroom. Ron is tearing in the presents enthusiastically, commenting on every new addition and even Harry's full concentration is on the presents in front of him.

She wishes them _Merry Christmas_ and then sits on Harry's bed to watch them proceed through piles of gifts in front of them. Soon they are joined by Ginny, Hermione and the twins. Eva finds herself enjoying their banter. Mostly she enjoys seeing Harry happy. As everyone disperses to get ready for breakfast, she stays behind with Harry, summons a huge pile of packages from her bedroom and dumps them all over Harry's bed. He looks at her wide-eyed.

"What's this?" he asks bewildered.

"Presents," she states unceremoniously.

"But you already gave me a present. A very nice leather winter jacket and a box of chocolates. Thank you, by the way."

"You're welcome."

"Soooo, what's this?" he asks again.

"More presents." Harry keeps staring at her and she starts fidgeting uncomfortably. "I have many years to make up for."

"You don't have to make up for anything. I don't need more presents." Harry's face darkens as if he thinks she is trying to buy him off.

"Oh, Merlin, I know you don't. But I wanted to buy them. And I couldn't help myself once I started. I just kept buying more and more and you should thank Tonks that all the clothes don't have little snitches fluttering over them or cartoon characters printed over the front. The last time I bought you clothes you were only a year old and everything was so little and cute, and I guess I just wanted to continue where I stopped."

She forces herself to stop biting her fingernails. Harry has never seen Eva Marlowe look as young as she does now, in that moment, with her blue sweater and the top third of her hair pulled back with an elastic band, rambling nervously and twisting her hands in front of her stomach.

"You bought me clothes?" he asks as if that's a novelty for him.

"I really hope you won't be angry but I noticed your muggle clothes seem kind of worse for wear. I know teenaged boys aren't really thrilled with shopping so I thought I could buy you some things. And then it got a little out of hand," she says sheepishly.

"No kidding." Harry eyes a mountain of presents on his bed. "They're Dudley's old clothes, you know."

"Dudley's old clothes?" she repeats. Harry pulls at his thin worn shirt with two fingers.

"Yeah. They don't fit him anymore. And they will never fit me. He's a lot bigger than me." Eva raises an eyebrow at his kind words.

"I didn't know your aunt and uncle were so bad off."

"They're not." Harry averts his eyes. "They just don't want to waste their money on me."

"Waste their… Are you telling me they never bought you new clothes? Cloths that would fit you? But they bought Dudley new clothes?" She is not against second-hand clothes and knows many families can't afford anything else. _But to not buy a few pieces of clothes that would actually fit a growing boy? That's preposterous. Especially if they have enough money. _Her jaw clenches painfully and she's about to fly off the handle.

"It doesn't matter. I have my uniform at Hogwarts. I don't really care what I'm wearing at the Dursleys."

"Doesn't matter? But-"

"And now I have a bunch of new clothes." He picks up a random present and tears off the wrapping paper. He looks at her questioningly as he pulls out a green hoodie with a little golden snitch fluttering over his heart. "Wow, you weren't kidding about the snitches."

Albeit unwillingly and with a heavy heart, she lets the issue go. For the time being.

"Yes, well, I couldn't tear myself away from it." She shrugs helplessly. Harry looks at the hoodie more closely.

"It's very nice."

Eva nods, an embarrassed but proud smile on her face.

"I didn't think you would have wanted to make a big deal in front of everybody, so I waited to give you those presents in private."

"Thanks," he breathes gratefully. "You really didn't have to-"

She waves off his reservations.

"I wanted to. Anyway, you should get dressed so we can go get some breakfast. We can _burn_ your old clothes later."

She gives one last resentful look at his t-shirt.

They all talk amicably during a delicious breakfast but the mood is not really jubilant as Molly wipes her eyes from time to time when she catches sight of Percy's returned gift and the absence of Arthur Weasley still hangs over their heads like a storm cloud. And for the first time in the whole week she has been staying there, Eva feels like an outsider. It's a heavy feeling.

After lunch Remus, Moody and Molly take the kids to pay another visit to Arthur. She breathes a sigh of relief as she sits down in an armchair in front of the tree and revels in the quietness of the house. Even Sirius, she thinks, seems to be grateful for a few hours of peace as he disappears to his bedroom. It is after all hard to keep a mask on for days on end. She would know.

She doesn't mind Tonks' company though when she joins her, sitting by the fire, watching the tree. The younger woman seems to be equally sombre, as uncharacteristic as it is for her.

"Something on your mind, Dora?" Tonks shrugs.

"I spent some time with my parents today."

"And that's bad?"

"No. Just…" She runs a hand through her blue-grey tresses. "I wish I could tell them the truth. I keep lying to them about almost everything in my life and they can feel it. If I could at least tell them about Sirius. Mom has always loved him and I think she has suffered a lot thinking he has betrayed her."

Eva summons two tumblers of spiked eggnog for moral support.

"Maybe you can tell her. I'm sure if you took it up with Dumbledore, it could be arranged."

"I don't want them to know what I got myself into. And there is no way around it if I say anything about Sirius. I don't think they would be strictly against me fighting against You Know Who but it's an Order's secret and I can't just tell them." Tonks shakes her head, sighing. "It would mean bringing them to the Order, too."

"And they wouldn't want that?"

"I don't know. Do you know her? My mom? You mentioned her once. I would ask her if she knows you but I can't just casually drop your name in a conversation. She would know something is up."

"I never met her officially. Saw her once or twice in passing. So, I can't say what she would want to do. You know her well. A lot better than me. Deep down you know what she would want."

"They weren't in the original Order in the First war. Do you know why that is?"

"I can take a wild guess."

"Because of me."

"Maybe. But also because your mother has fought her entire life. First, against her family and friends, their prejudices, their views and against _herself_. And then _for _her family and her own identity. She was probably sick of fighting. You can't really blame her."

"Maybe not," Tonks agrees but her tone suggests doubt. She absentmindedly reaches for her glass, that she has put on the arm of her armchair and promptly knocks it off. "Oh, shit. Sorry, I have none of the Black family finesse, you know," she says self-deprecatingly.

"Oh, stop that. You, Nymphadora Tonks, are an extraordinary person. You don't need any Black family finesse. Although you have some family traits you probably don't even know about. Your mother, she has raised you well. Her finesse has shaped you into a woman you are today. Be grateful."

"You are in a weird mood today," Tonks observes.

"Gotta love the holidays," she says and downs her drink, wishing for something stronger but not daring to get wasted as she can get quite unpredictable and she wants this one day to end well.

"You know, you are too," Tonks says earnestly.

"What am I?"

"A good person. A good woman." Eva raises a surprised eyebrow at her.

"You don't know me, Dora. You don't know the terrible selfish things I have done in my life."

"Maybe not. But I have gotten to know you a little. And what I know is one hell of a woman," she declares passionately. She hesitates then a little before plunging on. "You don't really believe you are only half the woman Lily was, do you?"

It is clear Eva is not the only person that keeps hearing those words in her head.

"You didn't know Lily. If you did, you wouldn't say that," Eva tells her with a sardonic laugh. _If she were here, Lily would make everything right._

While Eva Marlowe wishes for just one more second with her dead friend, for a single moment jealousy rears its ugly head within Nymphadora Tonks. She likes Eva. And she knows, Eva likes her, considers her a friend. But she also knows, she will never be Lily. In Eva's eyes, she will always be lacking because of the simple fact that her name is not Lily Evans. And then shame comes for how can she be jealous of a dead woman. And how can she resent her when the mere mention of her name brings such raw pain to Eva.

Once again Tonks demonstrates her ability to let things lie and not to push or try to fix her when she says nothing further.

The kids return from St Mungo's strangely subdued and if she didn't hear Molly loudly blathering on about the barbaric muggle techniques, Eva would guess something is wrong with Arthur. She diplomatically avoids the woman as she doesn't want to discuss barbaric muggle medicine. She was after all the one to give Healer Pye a hint about stitches.

The rest of the day trickles by slowly and while Eva is grateful she doesn't have to scrub or dust or, god-forbid, bake, she kind of wishes she had something to do as endless eating and sitting around feels useless. She drinks so much eggnog, she starts feeling sick but still gets no kick from the sparse alcohol in the drink.

The feeling of lacking follows her late into the evening when she wanders into the drawing room where Harry sits in his new pyjamas with a book in his lap and Sirius is sprawled on the other side of the sofa with a magazine. To a casual observer they might be a picture of tranquillity but Eva notices none of them is fully focused. Harry fidgets restlessly and Sirius keeps stealing glances at him.

"Good book?" she asks and both of them look at her as she leans on the back of an armchair.

"Yeah. A present from Sirius and Remus. It will be really useful in planning lessons for Dum-" He stops abruptly looking from one adult to another in caution. Eva rolls her eyes.

"We know about your Defence group."

"Dumbledore's Army."

"Excuse me?"

"Its's what we named the group. It's just, Sirius said, that Fudge is afraid Dumbledore is assembling an army against him and it just seemed so fitting…" He trails off as Eva and Sirius continue to stare at him. "It's not as if we yell Dumbledore's Army through the halls. We use DA for short and is a very easy name and nobody knows what it means…"

"You call yourselves Dumbledore's Army," she states again then bites her lips to hide her smile but when she catches Sirius' eyes, none of them can help themselves as they burst out laughing. She cannot remember when was the last time she laughed like this, loudly and freely, her whole body shaking, clutching her stomach and tears springing to her eyes. Sirius laughs with her and after the initial shock Harry joins in too.

Eva collapses into the armchair, head hanging over one arm and her legs over another and lets giggles die slowly.

"So, I take it you like it?" she asks when they have all wiped tears from their eyes.

"Yes. I didn't think I would like teaching. I don't like all that attention usually. But it's… It's about the only reason I want to go back to Hogwarts." His voice gets bitter and Eva sits up, her feet on the floor, watching him sympathetically. She is not sure what to say to this and Sirius seem equally conflicted.

"Harry… I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Is Umbridge still bothering you?"

Something strange flashes in his eyes but it's gone before she can latch onto it.

"No, no. I keep my mouth shut and she doesn't give me detentions. It is easier to not say anything now that we have DA."

He goes on about the classes he plans and about the techniques he uses to teach and about his classmates' progress. Eva feels gratified to hear him talk about something with so much passion. He tells them about the weird girl with a tendency to tell uncomfortable truths that Eva likes without ever meeting her, about a boy that likes to take pictures of him, about his previous quidditch captain that keeps glaring at him since he got banned but still comes to DA, about a Ravenclaw girl with graceful hands and black hair, whose description makes Eva raise her eyebrows and Harry stutter, about a pesky Hufflepuff, who doubts his every word and enjoys challenging him, about a twin girl that has mastered an Impediment Jinx on her first try and about Neville Longbottom who has managed to finally disarm Hermione.

"Neville really improved so much. You should have seen him…"

Harry gets quiet suddenly.

"Harry?"

"We stopped at fourth floor at St Mungo's today," he says, giving her an imploring look.

"Oh." Without him telling her, she has a pretty good idea what happened.

"What's on fourth floor?" Sirius asks, figuring out something is going on.

"Spell damage," she answers but he still looks confused. "I make it a point to avoid the fourth floor," she tells Harry. It is just too sad. She then turns to Sirius, swallowing hard. "Frank and Alice."

It's all she has to say for him to get white as a ghost.

"Bellatrix," he breathes and she longs to tell him it is not his fault. But it's no use. He wouldn't hear her anyway. "She bragged about torturing them in Azkaban. But I never heard what happened to them. I assumed they were dead."

Harry is looking at Sirius with scared and sad eyes and Eva wonders if she should send him to bed. He shouldn't see an adult that is his guardian, fall apart.

"They aren't… But maybe that's even worse. Theirs is no life."

"Fate worse than death," mutters Sirius and she has to agree. Harry seems conflicted.

"I was jealous today," Harry declares. "I know his parents don't recognize Neville. Or anybody else. But at least they are alive. At least… He can hug them. And touch them. And he can look at them…."

The naked longing in his voice threatens to rip her open. _If only she could give him that._

His words seem to wake Sirius from his stupor.

"No, Harry. No. I've seen what a Cruciatus curse does to a person. It would be way worse to see a shell of James walking around. His face vacant because there is _nothing_ there." Sirius swallows hard and she has to look away.

"Sirius is right, Harry. It _is_ fate worse than death. Those people on the fourth floor; they are not Frank and Alice. I _knew _Frank and Alice. Two of the kindest people I ever knew. Alice, she had a smile that could brighten your day. She shone like a beacon of light on her wedding day. And Frank, from the moment I first met him, he only ever had eyes for her. And now, nothing. Empty." She gets up and sits at his side on the sofa, so he is squeezed between her and Sirius. "I would do anything to see your mom again. But not like this. Because it wouldn't be her."

Harry nods as if he already knows all this. Knows but still longs for it.

"I know. Neville is as much an orphan as I am. I just wondered for a moment."

The word cuts deep into her. _Orphan._ Lily's son. An orphan. _What a waste! Lily and James and Alice and Frank. The finest people she knew. Why did they have to die and leave two orphans behind? Why them and not her? It would be just so much easier, so much fairer if it were her and Sirius that died. And how were they supposed to replace his parents? They had no idea what they are doing. They had already let him down so much. _All those _could-have-been_ Christmases, that he had to spend with people that didn't want to waste their money on him.

Eva leans back onto the sofa with a sigh. Harry and Sirius do the same and for a while all three of them sit on that sofa in quiet camaraderie. And all of a sudden Eva realizes that's what she had been craving all day. It doesn't matter that they are all a bit depressed. She has waited for that moment. That moment where they are a family. Of course, nothing has changed; Sirius hates her, she is at times disgusted by him, Harry might never trust her, possibly not Sirius either and neither her or Sirius know how to handle an angsty teenager with the whole world upon his shoulders. And it's fourteen years too late. But all three of them are there, siting in the same room on the same sofa. And those feelings of loneliness and melancholy and nostalgia; it had been her wishing for this. Sitting there on that sofa was what she was missing. It doesn't even matter that they sit in partly uncomfortable silence with a bucketful of unresolved issues among them. They are a family. She belongs here. And Harry belongs with them.

It becomes all so clear to her; Lily and James didn't choose them to be his guardians because they thought them the most reliable and trustworthy people. They chose them to be his family. And by Merlin, she will do everything in her power to attest to this any way she can. She silently wows to be at his side until the day he won't need her anymore.


	13. Not forgiven, never forgotten

**Not forgiven, never forgotten **

Much to Healer Aldridge's joy, Eva returns to work two days after Christmas. She toys with the idea of staying at home for duration of school holidays but at the thought of not leaving Grimmauld place for another two weeks she gets a pretty bad case of cabin fever. Not that she mentions this to anyone as Sirius is sure to blow a gasket if he heard her complaining about being stuck in the house after only a week. With the mood he has been in, he might actually _Avada_ her on the spot. His mood had turned sour after Christmas when he realized everybody is slowly returning to their jobs, missions and school and just like his Christmas cheer, it infected the whole house.

She gets him, really she does. But she is also so angry with him for not taking this time and enjoying the company of his godson, who usually desperate for his attention and affection, has taken to avoiding him. As has Eva herself, knowing in her gut that one wrong word would be enough to set them both off on each other. That's another reason she went back to work; it is easy to avoid him when she is gone half a day and spends the remainder of her time in Harry or Tonks' company. She doesn't move back to her flat though.

She doesn't go to work on the last day of holidays and later she can't decide if it was the best decision ever made or the worst. It is the day she never forgets and everything that happens later is the result of what happened that day. At the end it is the reason she gets closure sometime in the future but also a bucketload of suffering. She founds out things she wishes she never knew. Things that never should have happened.

* * *

She doesn't mean to eavesdrop. She really doesn't. But the door of Harry and Ron's bedroom is open as she walks down the hall on her way to a meeting in the kitchen, and rambunctious laughter coming from the room brings a smile to her face and she stops just short of doorframe and contemplates joining them. She doesn't want to intrude on the teenagers but she does enjoy seeing Harry smile and laugh with his friends and insert a witty comeback once in a while. She likes seeing him carefree and he is never more so then when he's unaware of the presence of any adult, in the company of his friends.

"And to think I wanted to return to the Dursleys for holidays," Harry laughs and Eva feels her smile slip from her lips.

"What? When?" asks an astounded Ron.

"After the attack on your dad," Harry tells him sheepishly. "Dumbledore didn't let me though."

"Of course not. Mom wouldn't let you either. What were you thinking? You hate it there," Ron protests vehemently. "And you wouldn't get to eat mom's famous Christmas dinner. They would probably only feed you scraps."

"If that," Harry mutters resentfully and Eva freezes. _He doesn't mean that does he? _"Aunt Petunia would probably break out her old frying pan. Although she hadn't managed to whack me with it in years."

Harry and Ron both snort at this while Eva stands in the hallway frozen in place.

"This is not funny," she hears Hermione counteract reproachfully.

"No," agrees Ron, "you have to admire their tenacity though. Remember second year? They put actual bars on your window. We literally broke you out."

"That was wicked, though," Harry says enthusiastically. "The looks on the Dursleys faces as we soared away in a flying car. Priceless!"

All three of them, including Hermione, laugh at the memory. Eva doesn't laugh though. She doesn't think she will _ever_ laugh again. Not after hearing this.

She moves forwards and it is a few seconds before they notice her silhouetted in the doorframe.

"Hey, Eva." The kids offer their hello's but she opens her mouth twice and still no sound comes out of it. Hermione frowns worriedly. "Is something wrong?"

She doesn't answer and she can't move her eyes away from Harry.

"They didn't feed you?"

"What?" Harry frowns, looking confused for a moment and then tries to wave the issue away unconcernedly. "Oh. No, no. They fed me enough usually. They only took the food away when Uncle Vernon was really ticked off. Like that time Dobby dropped that pudding while Uncle Vernon had some important clients over. I thought I was dead for sure that time."

He says this lightly like it was no big deal but Eva can see that Hermione and even Ron are looking at him in apprehension.

"He hurt you?"

"Oh no, nothing like this. He forbid me to go back to Hogwarts. Put bars on my window and Aunt Petunia pushed bits of food trough cat-flap inside my bedroom. And then Ron, George and Fred came to save me in their dad's flying car," Harry finishes with a smile.

"A cat-flap," she repeats. This time there is no mistaking the heartbroken hollow quality of her voice. His smile slips off as if he just realized he said too much.

"It wasn't really all that bad-"

"No." _Do not try to soften this up for my sake._ He stops talking immediately, probably realizing there is no talking her out of it this time. She had already let his words slip by too many times. "No." _No more._ "No." _Don't try to defend them._

Harry exchanges uncomfortable looks with Ron and Hermione.

"Does Sirius know this?"

"I- There really is nothing-"

"Does he know, Harry?"

"I- I-" Harry stutters, pushed in the corner and uncertain. "He knows I would rather live with him. He knows that they don't really care for me."

"Does he know that they starve you for punishment?" She asks impatiently and with no mercy. She is done mincing her words. Harry flinches at her wording. "Does he know that they don't buy you cloths? That they put bars on your window? That they push food through the cat-flat like you're some animal?"

"No. I didn't say things like that. It sounds worse when you say it like that but it wasn't that bad. Really." He desperately tries to reassure her. His friends don't dare to utter a word.

"Not that bad," she repeats tonelessly. "It _is_ the way it sounds. And Dumbledore? Does he know?"

At this a guarded expression crosses his face.

"He's Dumbledore." _He knows everything, _hangs in the air. "I told him I don't want to go back to Dursleys. I begged him to let me stay at Hogwarts or at the Weasleys."

Eva grits her teeth and jams her fingernails in her palms to stop her hands shaking.

"What else did they do to you, Harry? Did they hit you?" _Merlin, please no._

"No!" Harry leaps to his feet, exclaiming in alarm. "They never hit me!"

"Don't lie to me, Harry! I heard you say that Petunia hit you with a frying pan. And I remember you saying something about Dudley trying to beat you up." _Please, no._

"That was nothing. I was very fast. I mostly ducked out of the way."

"Do you think that makes it any better?! It doesn't! And your Uncle? Did he-" _Please._

"He didn't hit me. I'm not lying! He shoved me sometimes or dragged me up the stairs. Or threw me in the cupboard but that was all!"

"A- A cupboard?" she stutters. Harry snaps his mouth shut once again with a realization, that in trying to defend his relatives' actions, he has dug an even bigger hole. "What cupboard?"

Harry sucks in a breath, looks from one curious face to another.

"I didn't mean- It's nothing. Just let it go," he mumbles and then pushes past her to the hall. But Eva has now heard too much, and she will not let it go. Instinctively, she knows the cupboard is important.

"Stay here," she orders to the other two and quickly follows Harry, catching his elbow a few doors down the hall. "Harry." She stops a few inches in front of him, staring him in the eye. "Tell me about the cupboard," she says with gentleness she didn't think she is capable in this situation.

"That was my bedroom. The cupboard under the stairs." Eva can't speak. She is clenching her teeth together so hard she thinks they might break. The helpless rage builds inside her chest with nowhere to go. "Until I went to Hogwarts that is. The invitation letter was addressed to Cupboard under the stairs. They gave me Dudley's second bedroom after that."

After this Eva can't control the volume of her voice.

"SECOND BEDROOM!" she roars in apoplectic rage that makes Harry jump and look around to see if anyone is listening in. She tries to get her voice under control. "He had a second bedroom and they made you sleep in a cupboard?"

"Please don't make a big deal out of this."

"But it is a big deal. This is wrong. They are wrong. You do know that, don't you Harry? You know that it's wrong of them to treat you like this?" She practically begs him. _Merlin, not Lily's son._

"I know. But they are just scared of magic. They don't understand. To them we are all freaks."

"DON'T- Don't defend them!" she says angrily. Harry looks nervous as the volume of her voice increases sporadically. _Lily, I'm sorry._

"I'm not. But a lot of weird things always happened around me."

"A magical child can't help this. And Petunia knows this. She grew up with Lily." All Eva wants then is to release that rage inside her on Petunia Dursley. "Merlin, that- that- bitch!" The door opens somewhere down the hall and two pair of footsteps can be heard descending the stairs. She drags both of her shaking palms down her face roughly. _How could they let this happen?_ "God, your mom. What would she say? That I left you there." Mostly she mumbles to herself.

"Is everything alright here?"

"We heard yelling."

"A truly melodious voice."

"Music to my ears."

Fred and George have come to investigate and when she turns around, Ron and Hermione's heads are visible trough half open door while Ginny stands at the top of the staircase uncertainly.

Eva tries to breath through her nose, controlling her anger.

"Everything's alright." She smiles but fools no one. "Why don't you all hang out in Harry and Ron's bedroom while I go-" Somehow, she manages to herd all of them into the room without them or her knowing how she has done this, "_deal with some things_."

Her voice turns icy at the end of the sentence and as they are all left standing around in the silence of the room, an echo of her unsaid words stays with the. _Kill someone with my bare hands._

"I don't know what this is about," Ginny says to break the silence, "but someone is about to have their arse handed to them."

"Right scary lady," Fred mutters.

* * *

Eva Marlowe wants to roar in rage until she has no voice left. She wants to tear the whole house apart with her bare hands. She wants to hurl hex after hex and see an entire town burn down. She wants to hit and scratch and spit and tear her own hair out of her scalp. She wants to kill. Eva Marlowe is on a warpath.

It is still early for the scheduled Order meeting and the only ones in the kitchen are Remus, Sirius and Albus. As the door slams open, everybody except Albus Dumbledore, who has a wand pointed into his face, jumps to their feet.

"Eva, have you lost your mind?" says an astounded Remus. She pays him no heed.

"What have you done? What have you done to him?" Her voice trembles with anger and despair. The wand shakes in her hand.

"Eva…"

"You told me he was safe and happy. You told me. You assured me." She doesn't know what she begs for. Albus catches on quickly even if she has yet to mention Harry's name.

"It was the safest place for him. Still is."

"THEY STARVED HIM!" Somewhere behind her the dishes rattle precariously. "They took away food for punishment! They didn't buy him clothes because they don't want to spend any money on him. They made him sleep in a cupboard! For ten years! How could you let this happen?"

Sirius and Remus yell in outrage and Dumbledore looks suddenly sad and very old.

"I knew they didn't love him the way he deserved. But they took him in. I had no idea that they treated him this way. Truly, Eva. I would have stepped in."

"Are you talking about Harry?" Sirius asks dangerously. Nobody answers him. Not that there is any need to.

"Do you think this makes it any better? That you didn't know!" she yells, her shaking wand still pointed at her former headmaster even as her hand has slipped slightly. "He asked you. He asked you to let him stay somewhere else."

"Yes. But his relatives' home is still the safest place for him."

"The safest place?" she asks incredulously. She chuckles mirthlessly. "Do you know what it is called, what they do to him? Abuse." The word echoes around the room, shaking them all. Eva finally drops her hand. "No matter how much the magical world likes to shut their eyes to it, that's what it is. Abuse. And neglect." Remus drops in the nearest chair and Sirius is yet to move.

"He'll live here. From now on, Harry will live here," Sirius declares hotly.

"Sirius, please don't be rash. Harry can't-" Dumbledore tries to calm him down.

"Didn't you just hear what she said?!" he yells. "He can't go back there."

"We will take precautions and I will have a conversation with Petunia but he has to go back."

"Go back?" Eva asks horrified. "He can't go back."

"He has to, Eva. The blood wards-"

"I don't care about the bloody blood wards!"

"They will protect him from danger."

"What about the danger inside the wards? Does that mean nothing to you? As long as Voldemort can't get to him, it doesn't matter if his own relatives kill him!"

"The wards may very well save his life one day. And as I said, we will take precautions." Eva shakes her head. She has enough of this. Lily and James wanted her to be their son's guardian. And she failed them once by blindly trusting Dumbledore. She will not repeat that mistake again.

"You told me fourteen years ago, that he will be safe and taken care for. You promised me. And I trusted you. It was the only one left and it was my job to take care of him. And I trusted that you knew what was best for him. I trusted that he was better off with his family then with me. I truly believed it."

Her voice breaks and she looks away from the old man.

"Eva," Dumbledore starts gently. "Forgive me but you know as well as I do that you weren't in any state to take care of a baby."

A silence rings in the kitchen as Eva looks Dumbledore in the eye. Not in shame or denial. But in recognition and acceptance. She has accepted this a long time ago.

"No, maybe I wasn't. But you didn't think I was capable of pulling myself together an hour a week to take him for ice cream and check-up on him? You didn't even give me a chance. You offered to take all my responsibilities away and I gave them away willingly. You told me not to seek him out, that it is better for him that way. I had nothing left."

Eva has no idea she has voiced some of Albus Dumbledore's biggest regrets. _Hadn't he wondered the exact same thing a few months ago?_

"And that was fine. It was what it was. I have lost everything. But I had one single comfort in my miserable existence; Harry was okay. He was alive and save and happy. And now even that is not true."

"I truly believed back then I did what was best for everyone," Dumbledore says quietly after a minute of silence. "I let you down."

"You let Harry down. Not me. Why is he always the one who must suffer for all of our mistakes?" Nobody answers her desperate plea. Something obscures her vision and when she touches her face, she is surprised to find it wet. Angry tears flow from her eyes without her even realizing. She stares at her moist fingers wondering if that's the outlet for the suffocating anger consuming her mind and body.

_Lily, how disappointed you must be. I'm sorry._

She looks up, locking eyes with Sirius and she knows he is thinking about Lily and James, too. Their son was not supposed to grow up like that. He was supposed to have a better childhood. He was not supposed to grew up like them.

"If I have just visited him every once in a while," she says regretfully.

"Petunia didn't want anyone from the wizarding world to bother her. It was her condition to taking Harry in."

"I DON'T CARE WHAT PETUNIA WANTED!" she screams. "You are Albus Dumbledore. If you wanted, you could have made her. Don't tell me you have never imposed your will on anyone!"

She doesn't wait for his answer. Suddenly, she squares her shoulders, wipes off her tears angrily, grips her wand tightly and turns towards the door, her nostrils flaring.

"Where are you going?" Remus yells hoarsely after her.

"To kill Petunia Dursley!" she answers without stopping her powerwalk.

"Eva!"

"Eva, please stop!" All of them hurry after her to the entry hall, Dumbledore moving surprisingly fast for such an old man. "Sirius, stop her!"

Sirius hesitates but then forgoes the wand. A pair of strong wraps around her torso, pining her arms to her sides. She recognizes the hands, even if they are older and much thinner then they used to be. She has conflicting urges to sink into his embrace and beat on him in outrage at the same time. She does neither but squirms, struggling, to get away from him.

"Let me go! What's wrong with you!" She throws her head back to get him to realise her and he curses as she nearly knocks his teeth out.

"Cut it out, Eva!" he yells, and she only stops because this is the first time in a long time, he has called her by her first name. "Just stop."

"Why? Why aren't you helping me? Didn't you hear what they did to him? Why don't you want to wring her neck with your bare hands?"

She doesn't understand; of everyone, she thought he will support her in this.

"Of course, I do," he snarls into her ear. "I want to go over there and beat them to a pulp and curse them into next week and burn their house down. I want it so badly that it hurts!" Eva breathes in gasps but still listens and when she turns her head sideways to look at him, his eyes burn with hatred and revenge and there is a trickle of blood down his chin where she has head-butted him. Slowly, unconsciously, she stops struggling and starts leaning into his chest. "But the irony of all ironies, Harry needs_ her _blood to keep him safe. She doesn't love him but it is her blood he needs. We are helpless. But I promise you; we will get back at her. We will get them all," he swears. Eva believes him.

Looking at the scene in front of him Albus Dumbledore realizes he had it all backwards. He knows he sees barely the surface of their dynamic. They are much more complicated then he could ever had imagined. They are each other's enabler and soother.

Eva is still leaning heavily on Sirius, her whole body trembling, while Remus and Albus look on in sadness when Harry shows his face, obviously having heard the commotion in the entry hall.

"You told them, didn't you? I told not to make a big deal out of this. I begged you!" Harry accuses resentfully. Sirius releases her and she stumbles to her own feet.

"Harry…"

"Why did you have to go around telling them this?"

"Of course, she told us," Sirius says, wiping blood off his chin with the back of his hand. "And of course, it's a big deal. It's a huge deal."

"I survived the last fourteen years. It was never a big deal before. I don't know why this should change now. And why are you suddenly agreeing with her?" Harry accuses and she makes a step away from Sirius. The last thing she wants is for her to come in between them. Sirius' only focus is on his godson, though.

"Because she's right. It is a big deal. This never should have happened. It's wrong of them to treat you like this. James… Your mom and dad, they…" He chokes on his words.

"Your parents wouldn't want this for you. They wanted better for you. We all did. Me and Sirius and Remus; we wanted your life to be better than ours. None of us had a very happy childhood. But you are Lily and James Potter's son. The best people I ever knew. And for you to have to live with that- that-"

"Then why didn't _you_ take me? Why did I have to live with them? Why didn't you fight for me?" His voice carries all his sadness, his anger, his loneliness and a world of desperate unasked questions about why nobody loved him enough to take care of him. Eva shatters on the inside.

"I was broken. And selfish. And a coward."

"Eva!" Remus tries to interfere, but she doesn't listen.

"And I believed you were better off without me. I thought you were happier with your family then you ever could be with a broken drunk that was hardly even a person. If anything, I thought Petunia might turn you against magic. But I could live with that. As long as you lived a life that your parents wanted for you."

"And you never even checked up on me?" he asks derisively.

"Harry, come on." It's Sirius that tries this time.

"You're right. I failed you. I failed your mom. You don know how much-" She doesn't finish the sentence. Harry shouldn't have to listen to her regrets. It will do him no good. It will change nothing. "But I will do better. In the future, I will do better."

She walks to him and puts both of her hands on his shoulders, looking into Lily's eyes.

"Eva," Dumbledore warns, knowing what she is about to say. She is past it all.

"You are not going back there. Ever. I promise you. You'll live here or at my place or even at the Weasleys. Wherever you want. You are only going back to the Dursleys over my _cold_ dead body. I swear."

It is a loaded statement, but Harry only hears one thing.

"You would let me live with you?" His uncertainty mixed with hope is heart-breaking.

"Of course. If you'll want to," she says softly.

They keep staring at each other and Eva feels something monumental change in their relationship. All of a sudden, she is not a guest anymore. She is family and she is finally allowed to participate in a clean-up of a hypothetic future party.

"I would like that," he breathes out.

The front door opens softly, and Severus Snape stops in his tracks at the tension in the air. He raises an eyebrow as nobody pays him any heed.

"You are way too forgiving, Harry. You take after your dad in that regard."

"Not after my mom?" he asks surprised and she chuckles.

"Your mom was kind and patient and compassionate but boy, could that girl hold a grudge." That's the moment she finally catches Severus Snape's eye and she feels pity well up in her chest for the poor mislead boy he once was. _Everybody chooses their own way and he chose his. At the time there was no other way for him to go_, she finally admits to herself. It is not her guilt to bear.

"I thought we have a meeting." At this everybody springs into action.

"Of course, yes. We should all move to the kitchen. The others are about to arrive any minute now," Dumbledore urges and sweeps off, Severus following with one last suspicious look at the remaining three.

"We should go, too," says Remus hesitantly. "Harry, you should go back upstairs." A mutinous expression crosses his face but he nods and starts to leave.

"We can talk more later," Eva says softly, trying to appease him. He nods but she knows he is not pleased. When he disappears upstairs, Eva gives both men dark looks.

"We should tell him. He doesn't trust adults which is no wonder. When has any adult done anything nice for him? Keeping him in the dark about Voldemort is like waiting for inevitable. Sooner or later he will decide he needs to know one way or another because he doesn't trust us to deal with what is threatening him or his friends or the world. And whatever he finds and whatever conclusions he makes might be deadly. And the more we keep things from him the more distrustful he is."

She makes her opinion known at the Order meeting and while Sirius, Tonks, Kingsley and to a degree even Remus support her, most of the others are either against it or don't know Harry well enough to have an opinion.

The meeting as a whole is an arduous affair where rattled Sirius and Severus keep sniping at each other and a frustrated Remus and tired Albus try to keep them in check while Eva steams in her own anger.

After the meeting, Severus sends for Harry and proceeds to inform him, he is to teach him Occlumency come the start of a new term. On Dumbledore's orders. Eva says nothing bit she is miffed that Albus has failed to mention any of this to either her or Sirius. Through it all Sirius and Snape continue to wind each other up. Snape goads Sirius about being useless and Sirius in return makes it clear he doesn't trust him. She only interferes once Sirius has taken to snarling _Snivellus_ in Snape's face and wands come out. An anxious Harry vaults over the table to latch onto Sirius and stop him from throwing a hex. Eva rolls her eyes. _Just like good old days._

"Sirius, for fuck's sake!" she growls and at the same time the entire Weasley family and Hermione enter the kitchen, yelling one over another.

"Language!" screeches Molly while Arthur exuberantly proclaims himself cured.

By the time, dinner is in full swing, Eva's head pounds with persistence. Truthfully, all she wants to do is go drink herself half to death, maybe sniff a line of coke, down a potion to top it off, fuck some faceless nameless stranger and scream and cry until she can't move anymore. Instead she forces herself to smile. It is almost painful. She can see Sirius doing the same; trying to make Harry's last night as enjoyable as possible under the circumstances. Remus too, tries to act normal but keeps drifting off in the middle of conversations. Harry himself, sitting next to her, keeps glancing furtively at Sirius. When he catches her eye, she gives him a slight smile.

"You okay?" she whispers.

"I don't know if I want to go back to school."

"Come on, Harry. You won't let Snape scare you off." He shrugs. "I know things are difficult but you love Hogwarts. You told me yourself. It's your home. Now more than ever I understand why… And you love teaching DA. Right?" He nods hesitatingly but his eyes still stray towards Sirius. She sighs heavily. "You worried about Sirius?" This time he whips around to look at her in surprise.

"How did you know?" This time _she _shrugs.

"Sirius is an adult. You can't be the one to take care of him." The question is reflected in his compassionate emerald eyes: _Then who will?_ "I'll talk to him, okay? Don't worry. I know we are not on the best of terms, but he is not alone."

She knows she won't be able to sleep that night so she takes a Sleeping potion. Even then, her night is restless, full of Harry and Jonathan blending into each other and she is up before dawn. She thinks of packing her things, as now, that the kids are returning to Hogwarts, she has no more reason to stay at Grimmauld Place. She doesn't feel like packing though. Her head is still full of horrible visions of Harry in the care of his relatives and she can't sit still. She is still full of rage and a few angry tears the previous day have done nothing to dispel it. She wanders the house in her dressing gown like a ghost and Harry almost jumps out of his skin when she appears in the drawing room.

"God, you scared me," he breathes.

"Sorry. You are up early." He shrugs.

"So are you."

"Yes. But I'm an adult and you're a teenager. It's practically unheard of for a teenager to get up before strictly unnecessary." He smiles at her joke.

"I couldn't sleep."

Eva slumps onto the sofa besides him.

"Me either."

They sit in comfortable silence for some time and Eva is just about to nod off when Harry speaks.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course. Anything." She gives him a curious look as he fidgets uncomfortably.

"You don't have to answer."

"Alright."

"You said… Yesterday you said you wanted a better childhood for me then yours was. And I don't know anything about you. You're a pureblood right? Not that it matters. Were your parents like Sirius' mum? I- You don't have to answer."

She thinks about his question. _How long has it been since she told anyone about her family? Close to two decades? _He has given her an excellent out. She could just say she doesn't want to talk about it or confirm that her parents were blood maniacs and be done with it. But she realizes, she wants to tell him. She wants him to know something about her. She wants to give him a part of herself. And she has a long time ago discovered the only way for their bond to strengthen was for her to expose herself bare.

"My parents were- complicated. The Marlowes, my dad's family, they were as pureblood as you can get. Not as well off or as respected as the Blacks but still pretty high up on the hierarchy. They weren't really obsessed with blood purity though. My father didn't care for it obviously as he wouldn't marry my mother otherwise. On the other hand, my mother's line had plenty of half-bloods and muggleborns. Rumour has it, some greatgreatgreatgreat grandmother has even married a muggle. My mother hated to be reminded of this. She wanted to be a pureblood and that was the reason she married my father. She had this vision that to purify her line she will marry her children to purebloods."

"And you didn't ever get married?"

"No." She hesitates then. She could end her story here. But that's only a little part of the whole picture. "I wasn't her primary goal though. I had a brother. He was eight years older than me. I was only an accident that they didn't want. Mostly I was left to my own devices. Nobody took much notice of me. My brother though, he was their pride and joy. My mother had high hopes for him. He was polite and well-bred. Handsome and intelligent. A prize to catch. But he was also kind and sensitive and I loved him dearly. All my happy childhood memories are of him. When he graduated from Hogwarts, mother strongly encouraged him to marry a nice pureblood girl as soon as possible. But he didn't want to marry a nice pureblood girl. I didn't know this then, he probably considered me to young to be trusted with this, but he fell in love with a nice _muggleborn_ girl and he would rather marry her. We only found out this from our house-elf later on. But you see, for all his good qualities, my brother didn't know how to stand up for what he wanted. And he loved mother and he knew how she would react and what it would do to her if he ever told her that. And finally, the pressure got too much for his sensitive personality."

Eva swallows hard and Harry listens with rapt attention.

"I was eleven at the time but I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I had just gotten my Hogwarts letter. I was so thrilled. I sat on the floor in my room, reading a list of school supplies that I needed to bring with. Jonathan opened the door and stuck his head into the room to tease me about my excitement. I still remember the smile he gave me. I dream about it even now. He left then and I continued to scour the letter and when I read that I was allowed to bring a pet of my own, I got up, running to his room, intent on pestering him to buy me an owl." Eva looks off in the distance. She has gotten over it. But it still hurts. It will never stop hurting. And while she has mostly let go of her anger, sometimes she still wonders. _How could you do that to me? How could you have let me find you like that?_ She will never forget, the white socked feet dangling in front of her face. She looked up in confusion at first and then, they tell her she screamed for hours on end. She doesn't remember this. Doesn't remember his face. But the dangling feet in white socks, those she can never forget. It had been her Boggart for years; opening the door only to find dangling feet. "He hung himself. Right there, in the room next to mine, not twelve feet away from me, not five minutes after he has stuck his head inside my room."

"Oh. Oh god. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I didn't know," Harry stammers, uncomfortable but still compassionate. She smiles at him sadly.

"It's okay. It was so long ago. I wouldn't have told you if I didn't want to," she reassures him. Harry nods, still looking uncomfortable. She thinks he might make an excuse then and leave but his curiosity glues him to the sofa.

"And after… What did your parents do?"

"Father buried himself in work. Sometimes I didn't see him for weeks. And mother, she tried to focus all her pureblood insanity on me but soon gave up when she figured I was not about to hand over the reins of my life to her. Truth is, for the remainder of my time until first year started, I didn't do much more then sit and look at her hollowly, not complying even with the most inconsequent orders or suggestions. In later years, every time I came home from Hogwarts, she was more and more insane and the last time I saw her we had a horrible fight. I never could forgive her for Jonathan's death and I made sure she knew it."

"And you? How did you…?"

"Deal? Your mother, of course. I cared for nothing and nobody and your mother cared for both of us until I was ready to start caring, too. She probably saved my life."

"What do you mean? Did you…?"

"No, no. I would never do a suicide. But I was self-destructive enough to get myself killed sooner or later. My love for your mom saved me."

They sit silently as Harry thinks over all she has told him.

"I'm glad you told me this," he says finally and Eva runs her hand trough his messy hair the way she rarely dares.

"Me too, Harry. Me too."

His eyes, open, kind, forgiving, compassionate, humble, too old for such a young face, so much like his mother's, roam premature lines of her face. A wave of fierce protectiveness washes over her and all she wants to do, is to keep him safe. All she wants is to hold him to her and never let go. _Merlin, why him? He is the kindest boy she ever met. Why did he have so many bad things happen to him? How is that fair?_

It surprises her that she is still able to wonder about the fairness of life. That's for people who still have hope. She has long ago learned that life isn't fair. Life is a bitch and then you die. For Harry she wants better.

_Don't ever change, Harry. Don't let life break you._

"You are a good person, Harry. I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?" he asks curiously.

"Believe that people are good after everything that happened to you."

"Because I have to, no? What am I going to fight for if I believe that people are evil?"

Eva doesn't answer. She had stopped believing years ago. She had also stopped fighting. Looking at the boy besides her though, she thinks maybe it's time she started believing again. The least she could do, is believe in Harry.

* * *

After breakfast she pulls on some of her best robes and puts on her only heels. She leaves no room for objection as she joins Remus and Tonks in escorting the kids back to Hogwarts on the Knight bus. Once again she tries to reassure an anxious Harry and gives a grateful smile to Remus when he too, talks to him. A lump forms in her throat when she gives one last wave to Harry's back. Tonks sees the expression on her face and drags her to the first pub in sight, calling goodbye to Remus. They would probably have stayed there for the remainder of the day, Eva drowning her sorrows and Tonks drinking in moral support, if Eva didn't receive an urgent owl to report to St Mungo's and Tonks to the Ministry.

When she arrives, she finds the staff of St Mungo's in panic and she herself swallows thickly when she finds out Broderick Bode has been strangled by a Devil's Snare. She spends most of her day dealing with the crisis which is an administrative nightmare among everything else and treks back to Hogwarts to report to Dumbledore in the early evening still in her damned heels. _How could she have decided to wear heels on precisely this day? Because she was escorting Harry to school? As if Harry cared a lick about her heels._ After that she intends to drink out Aberforth at Hog's Head but even that gives her no real peace of mind and after two hours she apparates back to Number 12 Grimmauld Place, luckily not splincinhg herself. She still hasn't packed her things so she has to go back there but if she were honest with herself, she would admit something dangerous and dark and forbidden pulls her back there on that night…


	14. The curtain drops

**The curtain drops**

It is a strange sight to see a tiny grey-haired man storming into the Auror Department and even a stranger sight to see him bellowing into the face of Auror Kingsley Shacklebolt, who is twice his size and trice his weight, while the rest of the department hesitatingly reaches for their wands.

Eva Marlowe, who has been waiting in Kingsley's office for the continuation of the interview slash interrogation, picking at her nails in boredom and marveling at the irony of sitting in an Auror's office in Walburga Black's fancy purple robe, suddenly finds her interest peaked. It is not an easy feat. Nothing much can permeate the numbness that seems to have become her new best friend this past week. The investigation in _Broderick Bode_'s death has uncovered her as the primary suspect as it was her signature on the delivery slip of The Devil's Snare, that strangled him. She has therefore been in and out of the Ministry for the last week, suspended from St Mungo's for the time being and in constant contact with Dumbledore. It was not just that she was a murder suspect, which was an altogether a bogus accusation, that Aurors couldn't prove, which they were all too aware of but still needed to keep up appearances, it also became abundantly clear that Voldemort and Death Eaters were aware of her connection with the Order and even more importantly, with Harry. Why else would they, of everyone that works at St Mungo's, frame her? The new development required an Order meeting in the near future, though, as she was all too aware. And none of this has managed to raise particularly strong feelings in Eva Marlowe. _She might be beyond repair._

The Ministry interrogations weren't anything to fear, especially as Kingsley was present at all of them and he made sure they were conducted in his office rather than in an interrogation room but they were a nuisance and Eva is getting sick of the same questions all over again. That's the first time she sees her boss at the Ministry though, and as far as she can remember, she has never seen him in such temper. When he actually starts to wave his fist into Kingsley's face, Eva gets up and opens the door to hear what this is all about.

"Do you have any idea who you are holding hostage?!"

"We are not holding anyone-"

"The future of healing! That's who! That's who that woman is! How many of you has she patched up? How many of you owe your lives to her? Hm? How dare you?! Do you have no shame? She is the best healer the wizarding world has! She will once be the Head of St Mungo's! You mark my words! You will be sorry then!"

"Healer Aldridge, please calm down."

"I will not calm down! You have taken away my best healer! The best I have ever seen! Do you know how many patients could have used her this week! Their lives be on your conscience!"

Eva never knew Healer Aldridge has such flair for dramatics. Nor that he holds her in such high regard. Despite herself, she feels strangely moved.

"Healer-"

"I demand you release her immediately!"

"Healer Aldridge, your opinion will be taken in regard, but you are in no position-" Healer Aldridge wants to hear nothing of it.

"She is the brightest student I have ever taught! She has surpassed me a long time ago. Do you really think, if she murdered someone, she would be stupid enough to leave evidence for _you_ to find?"

This might possibly be the nicest compliment Healer Aldridge has ever given to her. The way he said _you_ in reference to the Auror Department however suggested he might get himself thrown in jail if she didn't step in.

"Healer Aldridge." Eva wouldn't believe her boss has so much agility in his legs if she didn't see him speedily cross the cluttered office with her own eyes. He eyes her frantically and grips her hand in both of his.

"Healer, Marlowe. Are you alright, my dear girl?" Eva has also never heard him refer to her as his dear girl. "Are they treating you poorly?"

"I'm alright, Healer Aldridge. Thank you for your worry but they are really not treating me too badly."

"It's a disgrace, that's what it is!"

"It's alright, really. They are just doing their jobs."

"It's not right. It's not." Healer Aldridge turns back to Kingsley who looks like he would like nothing more then to get rid of them both. "I demand you release her right now!"

An Auror at Kingsley's right looks like he is about to object but Kingsley jumps in.

"I think we are done for the day anyway. You are free to go, Healer Marlowe. We will contact you when there's something new."

Healer Aldridge grumbles something unflattering but ushers her out of the Auror Department and though Eva is grateful that she doesn't have to sit through more endless questions, she now feels awkward in her boss's presence. They ride an elevator in silence and do not speak until they are almost halfway through the lobby.

"Healer Aldridge? I heard what you said. You really didn't have to but thank-"

Healer Aldridge stops suddenly in his tracks and Eva only just manages not to trip over her own feet. Grace has never been her forte.

"I meant every word. You are the future, Eva. I will trust the Emergency medicine department to no one but you."

"Healer Aldridge-"

"I know. You have told me countless times, that you are not interested in being the Head of department. But I have seen something in you in those last few months. I don't know what changed. I don't know what has happened to you to make you the way you are. I used to think you didn't care. But you do. Probably more than an old man like me can grasp. And you will be the next Head of Emergency medicine department. Not today. Or this week. Maybe not even this year or this decade. But I will wait for you. You are my only choice."

Eva is left speechless at the trust this man, whom she never thought that much off, has just put into her. She wants to object but somehow the words get stuck inside her throat. He smiles kindly at her.

"Come back to work whenever you feel ready, Healer Marlowe. Don't worry about your suspension. I will deal with it." He is about ready to leave when he turns back to her once again. "I so rarely see you out of your healer's robes, I never knew you have such exquisite style. Nowadays you don't see witches in such fine robes anymore."

He bows at her and Eva is left staring after him dumbfounded. She looks down and laughs, albeit a bit hysterically, at the purple velvet.

It is with this strange incident still on her mind that Eva arrives at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Sans the purple robe. Or any robe. She tries to arrive as late as possible but Dumbledore is still not there, so she is forced to socialize. Luckily for her, she is immediately accosted by Tonks, who wants to discuss the incident at the office for which she was not present but of which the whole ministry was talking about. Eva groans at this.

"Apparently, your extremely sexy boss rode into the Auror Department on a white stallion, declared you the most beautiful, capable and dreamy woman who is his future and the future of healing. He then demanded you be released because otherwise he will murder them all and his smart lady-love, you of course, will cover up all the evidence because she is just that smart, smarter than them all. And then he whisked you away on his mighty dragon into the sunset where you will be making extremely pretty and smart babies."

Eva splutters at the ridiculousness of the Ministry gossip mill, not sure if she should laugh or go throw herself off the bridge.

"What? He's not sexy at all!" she yells and the whole table stops what they are saying to look at her. Tonks snorts into her fist.

"Really? That's all that bothers you about this?"

"And he's old!" Tonks outright laughs at this. "Really old," she adds kind of desperately. She looks around the table at an assortment of either amused or confused faces. She can't help but briefly catch Sirius' eye and just as she expected; she can only detect his now familiar despise and even worse, all that seeps through her numbness is guilt and disgust mixed with pity. _Nothing has changed. _

"I don't know," Kingsley teases her. "He seemed kind of dashing to me. A real knight in shining armor, coming to rescue his damsel in distress, all the while singing praises to her beauty."

Eva rolls her eyes.

"He said absolutely nothing of my beauty! He might have mentioned something about me being the future of healing, I will give you that. But there were no horses. Or dragons. Or whatever. And he did say I would not be stupid enough to get caught by Aurors if I murdered someone, which was nice of him to say but that's about it. And he's old!" she finishes in case anyone has forgotten.

Most of them are still laughing at her and Eva really hopes to see Dumbledore when the door behind her opens. Instead, there is Molly, holding a pair of familiar silver heels in her hand above her head.

"Who do those belong to? I found them in the middle of the entry hall. Nearly broke my neck tripping over them," Molly declares disapprovingly. Eva prays for the floor to open and swallow her whole. Her prayers are not to be heard. She glances around the table but too many people know they are hers for her to pretend not to have seen them before.

_One week earlier:_

There is always a certain weight Eva Marlowe carries with her but right now the burden is almost palpable the way it sits on her chest like a giant elephant. The ringing in her ears hasn't stopped since she dropped Harry off. She has no idea how she has functioned through the day but it seems nobody has noticed anything. She must have said the right words and nodded at the right places. She has even done her job and dealt with a crisis and reported to Dumbledore and drank a lot. And nobody said anything. Nobody hears the loud headache inducing ringing that has been drowning out her every thought. All she hears trough the ringing are Harry's words. For she hasn't forgotten. Can never forget. _Aunt Petunia pushed bits of food trough cat-flap… it wasn't that bad. Really__…__ I mostly ducked out of the way… my bedroom. The cupboard under the stairs… It was never a big deal before… Then why didn't you take me?_

The words will haunt her until the day she dies. And if it wasn't for that boy, who needed her, she would wish for death to come quickly. Now, all she wants is for that ringing to stop. The alcohol hadn't helped (it never does), only made things worse. Her chest feels like it's about to explode with something she cannot name. She needs an outlet. She needs something, she cannot put into words.

In the back of her mind, Eva knows nothing good can come out of this. Nothing good can come out of her returning to Number 12 Grimmauld Place in the darkness of the night and without Harry or Remus as buffers. Not in the emotional state she is in. Her guilt is still very much present. Her anger even more so. Her whole body pulsates with it. She should just go. But she cannot. Something dangerous lurks in this house and she is drawn to it. And the ringing in her ears won't let her turn away.

The house has been abandoned by everyone but its owner who by the look of empty bottles strewn all over the dining room, didn't expect any visitors. Or simply didn't care. She empties the only bottle with a few sips of firewhiskey left, directly into her mouth. In the entry hall she kicks off her heels in contempt and continues her unsteady trek upstairs on her bare blistered feet, holding onto the railing. Quietly and in the ominous darkness of the house.

If she were in her right mind, she might think it strange how purposefully she walks the dark halls. Her elbow painfully snags a doorknob and her ankle hits a rail but she doesn't hesitate. She passes her temporary room where all her stuff still resides and there is no real thought of cleaning it up in her head. She doesn't think about it but her feet know where to go by instinct. The monster in her chest is clawing to be let out and instead of doing what she usually does to calm it down she has turned to another familiarity. She hasn't put word to it yet. Her alcohol addled brain has yet to catch on. But her feet know the path she walks. An invisible force propels her on.

She can feel his presence in the hall before she actually sees him. She peers into the darkness intently and when he moves towards her, she catches his burning eyes as moonlight shines trough the open door of the bedroom. She is reminded of expression on his face when he, with blood down his chin, promised her they will get their revenge, growled it inches from her face. There was something primal in it. There is something primal in it now.

It is like he knew she will come. Like he waited for her. Like he expected her to turn up right there on top of the stairs.

Eva opens her mouth to say something. _But what is there to say?_ If they were anyone else, she might say "Can you believe those muggles? Bastards! How could they do that to Harry?" And they might then discuss it and find creative curses for them. And they might talk about their own childhoods and reach some kind of closure. But they are not anyone else and there is nothing left to say. There is no need to discuss anything. Much less talk about themselves. They had already said everything years ago.

None of them says anything. But no words are needed. And this time she knows what will happen before it actually does. Sirius was right after all, that's how she dealt with her problems; drink and fuck. And in that aspect, they completed each other perfectly.

She can almost see things happening before they happen. She doesn't even try to cushion the blow as she is slammed into the wall. And he doesn't put his palm between her head and the wall either. To see his face, she has to look up as barefoot she is considerably shorter than him and when she catches sight of his dark eyes, boring into her with intensity of a thousand spells, her lower lip trembles. There is a moment that might be her breaking point. When it all comes back to consume her. She might break and scream and cry and melt into the floor and curse the world and succumb under the weight of her grief. It might just be that moment. But then she grits her teeth and focuses on his long fingers digging into her hipbones where she can already feel bruises forming. And the moment is over.

She raises on her toes and pulls him down roughly by the fabric of his shirt and their lips meet in a hard open-mouthed kiss. The ringing in her ears seems to finally be moving into the background. He responds by stepping between her feet and leaning his whole body against hers. Her hands travel up his chest and she buries them in his hair, pulling roughly. He is not gentle with her, has rarely been even in the past, and neither is she. They kiss, Eva couldn't say if it's passion, but with an emotion so raw she couldn't describe it. It is a battle of course and even their tongues are caught in it. It is always a battle with them. Even if neither knows what the prize is for winning or even how to win it.

Sirius' breath smells of firewhiskey and Eva knows hers must too. And she knows she must smell of the nervous sweat of the day from running around St Mungo's and the Ministry and Hogwarts. She is not in her best shape. Her robes are wrinkled and spilled on and the skin on her face has a shiny sheet over it _but does it really matter?_ This is not some first date they are on.

His hands travel up her sides and over her back under her opened robe. His fingers catch a strip of skin between her pants and blouse. She shudders and her breath hitches. She has always found that moment when someone else's hand touches her naked skin for the first time, exhilarating. She kisses him with renewed vigour while wrestling out of her robe.

The robe drops to the floor and her hands grip his thin shoulders. He has put some muscle on in the last half a year, but he is still much too thin. She doesn't want to think about the reasons for his malnourishment and tries to chase the thought away. Still, her hands hold onto him a little tighter and maybe he notices it or maybe it's just a coincidence but his lips travel to her neck and when he sucks on that spot right below her hairline, Eva Marlowe is a goner. As her head falls back to expose more of her neck, there is no more space for depressed thoughts. Her neck has always been the most sensitive spot of her body.

It was rare she got to enjoy it though. Most men aren't really intuitive in what a woman likes, and some didn't get it even when she told them what she wanted. Sirius, though, he once upon a time knew all of her spots and it seems he hasn't forgotten them.

She hooks a knee around his waist, and he hoists her up, groaning at her weight, pulling her other leg around his waist so she is now level with him.

"Fuck, you're heavy," he mumbles against her lips, not breaking a kiss. She yanks on a fistful of his hair and he hisses in pain. "Bitch!"

"Bedroom."

He complies immediately and remarkedly doesn't drop her on her head as he staggers towards his bedroom under her weight. She has wind knocked out of her as she is unceremoniously dropped onto the bed on her back from a considerable height.

For a moment he stares at her as she lies on an unmade bed, her hair fanned around her head and her feet hanging over the bed. She thinks he might change his mind and just scoff at her, but the fact is they had long since passed the point of no return. Laying there _she_ has no doubts. Rationally she knows, it will only bring her pain. He will not cease to hate her just because they fuck. And she is smart enough to know, that she cannot sleep with him and leave her emotions out if it. It is Sirius after all. She has twenty years of history with the man. All that has been left is raw emotion. But right then she needs this. She doesn't know why and what will it bring but her chest might just explode with _something_ if he doesn't carry on. And that blasted ringing still hasn't stopped.

As if he heard her or maybe just saw desperation colouring her face, he peels off his t-shirt in one go, kneels on the bed and descends upon her with feverish kisses. She cannot recall it with clarity later but he somehow gets her out of her pants and flings her knickers on the floor. His hand reaches between her legs and she arches her back as he rubs two fingers inside her. It doesn't take her much to be ready.

There is no loving between them and when he ruthlessly thrusts into her, she thinks he does it with hatred. Or resentment. With something dark. He doesn't really look her in the eye so she cannot read him. Maybe she has lost the ability to do so anyway. Or he has changed so much, everything about him is unfamiliar. But she is certain there is nothing pretty about the way he pounds into her, slamming her back into the bed. And Eva, she revels in it. She arches her back and digs her heels into his back and lets herself go completely. She releases the reins she usually holds upon her body and soul and is left at his mercy to do with her whatever he wants. She practically claws at his naked chest and shoulders in her unconscious endless quest to be hugged and loved and close. She doesn't know if he understands it (but he must) that he could destroy her completely in that moment. It is not only her legs that are wide open. He complies only halfway or maybe to the extent that he cannot avoid it, letting her hold onto him. As she gets close to her climax, her hands fall down on the bed helplessly, gripping the bedsheets in her fists.

As far as sex goes there is nothing remarkable about it. It's short (well, the man has spent twelve years in Azkaban, not to mention they are both drunk) and not sweet at all. But he has never failed to bring her to her peak and the fact is that this time it doesn't take much for her to come. She was already high-strung when she crossed the threshold of Number 12 Grimmauld Place and with every step towards Sirius, the tension grew. Yes, she couldn't call it passion what they had but intensity was always there. Always when they were in the same room, even if they were as far away one from another as possible. They could never be indifferent to each other.

As the last spasm ripples through his body and he rests his forehead on her still clothed chest, her insides explode in release and the ringing in her ears finally stops and the only sounds left are their labored breathing. Eva continues to lie on her back, reveling in the blissful silence in her head. She is hardly aware when Sirius pulls out of her and rolls away from her. She stares at the celling, unseeing, for minutes or maybe hours. The feelings threatening to erupt from her chest have settled down. _Empty. She is completely empty of everything._

When she finally comes to her senses, she is cold. Her toes are freezing. Her hands rest spread out, still lightly gripping the sheets that needed to be washed days ago. Her upper body is still clothed, sans her robe and from the waist down she is completely naked, everything on display if someone wanted to look, one of her legs outstretched and one bent at the knee like it has just fallen from around his waist even if Eva has no recollection of it. Disgust lurks at the edges of her consciousness. That same disgust she feels after she has fucked some nameless stranger in a dingy pub. It doesn't reach the empty space inside her though. It never does.

She gets up slowly. Sirius is sleeping, turned away from her but she barely dares to look. Afraid of what she might feel. Even more afraid, she won't feel anything. That it would be just the same as if she had picked up some random guy on the street. That he would do just as well for what she needed. That she had only managed to gather more complications and resentment for nothing. _What had she wanted anyway?_

Maybe she was wrong before. Maybe she can leave her emptions out of this. Because if that didn't make her feel anything, then what will? Maybe she is dead inside. Or maybe whatever they once had is so far removed, so buried in grief and hatred, so distorted, so far gone, that they really have become strangers_. Is this all that is left of them? Meaningless sex after twenty years of friendship and love and guilt and betrayal and hate and dead friends and dead brothers and abused children?_

The thought might pain her but she is empty and she feels nothing.

She puts on her pants, can't find her knickers and doesn't bother with her shoes. She doesn't even notice that she leaves the house barefoot.

* * *

"Oh, yes. Thank you, Molly. I completely forgot I left them here." _True._ "I've been looking for them all over the place." _Lie. _"Sorry about tripping." She lounges over Tonks to grab them but Molly holds them out of her reach like she is a disobedient child. She is left standing in an awkward position, with everybody once again looking at her.

"Oh. I thought you have moved out."

"I did. Right when you did." Molly frowns at her disbelievingly.

"Are you trying to tell me those shoes have been left there in the middle of the hall for the whole week'"

Eva shrugs.

"Well, who is going to pick them up? Kreacher won't touch my stuff and Sirius-" Sirius won't touch her stuff either apparently. Unless it's her _stuff_. _Merlin when will they start pouring drinks? _"Anyway, it's a good thing they have been found. I'll pack them with the rest of my things tonight."

"You still have all your things here?" Tonks asks with raised eyebrows and she is not the only one looking at her weirdly. _Marlowe, shut up and stop digging even a bigger hole for yourself._

"So, what? I didn't have time to pick them up yet. For your information, I have been a murder suspect this whole week," she says defensively, plucks the shoes from Molly's hand and sits back down sullenly. Truth is, she couldn't make herself go back so she has bought a new toothbrush and has been reduced to wearing the only decent robe left in her wardrobe, Walburga's purple velvet robe.

Her prayers are finally answered as Dumbledore and Snape arrive to the meeting. She would take Snape's sullen sneer over this interrogation under Sirius' watchful eye any day.

The meeting is even more exhausting than usually as it involves her and her safety directly. Eva agrees to putting extra wards on her apartment but wants to hear nothing about abandoning her job. It's the only place where she's useful and they are all taking risks. Most of them far greater than she does.

She plans to leave right after the end of the meeting, but Tonks keeps her talking and suddenly there is a plate in front of her and she has somehow agreed to stay for dinner. At least the crowd has thinned out. The only ones left are all four Weasleys, Remus, Sirius, Tonks and for some reason Snape. And thankfully, someone has broken out the alcohol.

_Merlin, if only she hadn't stayed._

Thinking about it later she realizes she hasn't really been in touch with her feelings these last few months. Probably hasn't been for the last fourteen years, actually. Oh, she feels guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. So much it nearly kills her. But her mind hadn't really linked this hateful broken man at the dinner table with the boy she once knew.

She has just returned from using the loo and is about to sit at the dinner table when she is surprised by a rare bark of laughter that sends chills down her spine. Whipping her head around she just catches a casual flick of black hair and the curtain drops. Her bubble bursts and everything that was muffled and hazy is suddenly loud and clear.

His grey eyes sparkle with laughter at something the oldest Weasley brothers are whispering to him, his chair tilted lazily on its back legs as he slaps a disapproving Remus on the back heartily.

"Moony, mate, you were always such a spoil sport."

She has no idea what they are talking about, probably about their Hogwarts years and pranks. It is fitting, though, as for a moment Eva feels she is right back there.

A glass full of firewhisky slips from her slack fingers and crashes to the floor, breaking into a thousand little pieces. She doesn't even look. She stares at Sirius in shock and he looks back at her, an eyebrow raised in a question. All she sees is a young boy, a teenager, flipping his hair out of his eyes (with grace she could never hope to achieve), rocking back in his chair, joking with his friends. Her eyes tingle suspiciously and her chest feels tights. She breaths like she has just ran a marathon. She can't lose it here.

There is talking and scraping of the chairs from all around but it's like it is all coming from a distance.

"Eva? What's wrong?" Remus' worried voice reaches her through the fog.

"I- I- I forgot," she manages to stutter, her voice full of wonder and heartbreak.

"You forgot what?"

"That I- That I have to go."

Remus lets her off the hook for the moment although he must know that was not what she meant. Remus probably knows her better that she knows herself. _Oh, dear Merlin, Remus. She still hadn't talked to him. Not really. Her drugged ramblings didn't count for nothing._

_And Sirius… She forgot. He is not just a man she wronged. That man, sallow, wasted, broken… She forgot he is the boy that used to make her laugh. She forgot that he is the boy that used to help her with Transfiguration homework. She forgot that he is the boy that became an illegal animagus just so he could be with his friend at his darkest hour. That man, hating her, resenting her, trying to hurt her any way possible… She forgot he is a boy that could make her spitting mad in one second and making out in another. She forgot he is a boy that zig-zagged around the quidditch pitch with his best friend laughing without a care in the world. She forgot he is a boy that dared wink at her in the middle of Professor McGonagall's class just to see her roll her eyes at him. That man, a shell of a human being… She forgot that he is a boy that threw her over his shoulder when he deemed her as being difficult. She forgot that he is a boy that pelted her with snowballs and rolled her around in the first snow of the year until she was either ready to strangle him or fall in love with him. That man, behind bars for twelve years… She forgot he is a boy she once loved. She forgot. She forgot. She forgot._

She forgot all about him. Eva puts her palm over her mouth. She might just puke. She needs to get out of that house. Right now! She takes no notice as glass shreds crunch under her boots and chair loudly crashes to the floor in her haste to leave.

"Eva, dear, what is the matter?" Molly rushes to her side and she is not alone as a variety of worried faces descend upon her. She feels claustrophobic. She needs a drink. Badly.

"Nothing. Nothing. I just… remembered something." She tries to control her voice and her face but she can still see alarmed faces. She is not lying either as more and more memories assault her. Memories she has locked away into her subconscious and threw away the key. Funny how a single flip of the hair could bring it all back.

_That boy, almost innocent, but not quite, goofing at the Gryffindor table with his friends. The same man, spewing poison, trying to hurt her where he knows she will bleed. That boy, catching her around the waist and kissing her until she was dizzy from his kisses. The same man pounding into her with no love left in his heart. That boy, that loved his best friend, his brother, more than his own life. The man that betrayed his brother, not brother in blood but in life, his wife and his baby to the most evil wizard in the history. To the embodiment of all that he hated. All that he was raised to believe. _

_Merlin, what had she done?_ _Selfish bitch! Without Lily, you really are nothing. And she couldn't save you either because you forgot about her too, didn't you? How could you?_

She grips her head between her palms, pushing at the sides of her head until it hurts. She really needs a drink. She doesn't even realize she has said it out laud but somebody pushes a glass into her hand. She downs a firewhisky in a single go and then starts backing away.

"I really need to go now." There is a panicked urgency in her voice. Somehow, she already knows it is all hopeless. The Pandora's box has been opened.

There are voices all around her and various hands, touching her, becoming her, comforting her. A large, warm hand holds her elbow. She would recognize it anytime.

Oh, Remus. Along with Sirius she forgot about him too. Buried down everything, every single train of thought that could lead her to thinking about the boy that she thought had betrayed her.

_How could you? How could you forget all about them all? How could you forget Lily? How could you forget how you loved that boy? That boy without a home? How could you forget that his only family were his friends? How could you think he would betray them? How could you think even for a moment he would sell out that baby, he held so lovingly in his arms? _

_His Prongslet… Lily's exasperated but loving smile as she sees James, who is supposed to be watching over Harry, snoring on the couch and Sirius pacing the living room with Harry in his arms…_

She doubles over in pain, holding a trembling hand over her mouth. She rips herself away from comforting hands and stumbles up the stairs. She needs to get away. But it's too late. All too late.

All those memories, she has been actively pushing away, burying deep down, not allowing herself to examine them, have come back to haunt her. The monster in her chest, that she had been mollifying, that she had kept occupied, has finally erupted with unprecedented violence, ripping her apart. She can't catch her breath.

# # #

_A boy smiles at her, showing a dimple in his right cheek._

# # #

_A girl declares herself her friend with ferocity of a real lioness._

# # #

"_You are angry with him." _

"_I am not angry." _

"_Yes, you are." _

"_I'm not. He is dead. You can't be angry with a dead man." _

"_Of course, you can. And you are. Say it! Just say it already!" _

"_What do you want me to say?! That I hate him? Do you want me to say I hate him? Because I do! I hate him! I HATE HIM! How could you do this to me, Jonathan? How could you abandon me? How could you?" _

_At twelve Lily Evans can recognize emotion where most adults can't. Her compassion is her greatest strength. And her greatest weakness. She holds onto it till the end._

# # #

_Eva sits at the windowsill, watching the grounds bathed in the light of the full moon. She might know something terrible about a boy in her class. She will say nothing though. Not even to the only friend she has at school, a lovely redhead that sits at the windowsill of another window, watching the grounds with equal anxiety until the early hours of the morning. It is five years until either says anything and even then, the circumstances are drastic. That's the loyalty Remus Lupin inspires. _

# # #

_Regulus Black resembles his older brother most when he smiles. The same dimple appears in his right cheek. The feelings it raises in Eva Marlowe are different though. Almost motherly. All she wants is to protect the boy. She is doomed to failure from the very beginning. _

# # #

"_Marlowe! Me and Prongs are making a spectacular prank. You want in?" _

"_Why do you need me for?" she asks suspiciously. _

"_We could use a woman's touch." His eyes sparkle mischievously, and Eva can't help herself. That boy is trouble. But she is drawn to trouble._

# # #

A heartbroken howl rips itself from her chest. She hasn't felt anything real for the last fourteen years. She can't take all this.

"Eva? What is it? Are you hurt?" A worried motherly voice is trying to draw her out. A strand of red hair swims into her vision and her heart skips a beat. It is all wrong. The color and the texture are all wrong. But maybe… She needs her.

"Lily, Lily… Lily, please…"

"It's Molly, dear. Remember?" She remembers. She just hoped for one moment.

"Lily," she sobs with her whole body, hot tears spilling down her cheeks. _What she would give for Lily's tender smile, her gentle hand on her cheek, her compassionate emerald irises… _

"Are you hurt?"

Is she hurt? She bleeds through every pore of her body. Nothing can stop the flood.

# # #

"_Eva?" She has no idea how Peter Pettigrew came to be frantically shaking her shoulder in the middle of the night in the girl's dorm. She is not all that surprised though. "You have to come! James is hurt. We can't go to the infirmary. You're the best in class in healing." She doesn't hesitate. She doesn't comment on the deep wound that is clearly caused by a sharp claw. She is relieved it was not caused by teeth. Sirius gives her a dark searching look when she has patched James up to the best of her abilities but doesn't voice his demand for her to keep quiet about this. She would have slapped him if he even suggested she might rat them out. And he knew it too._

# # #

_A hand reaches around her waist and Eva would never admit it but she giggles as he spins her into his arms, dropping hot kisses down her neck._

# # #

_An ominous shade clings to Lily Evans like sand to wet skin. Sha hasn't taken her so called break-up with Severus Snape very well. She currently is not on speaking terms with most of her class. Eva Marlowe, who doesn't really like to discuss her feelings, is the only company she can tolerate. It is just as well for Eva. _

_Lily's dark mood, though, doesn't bid well for James, Sirius and Peter who have settled themselves at the same table in the common room in obvious attempt to make some kind of amends. None of the girls says anything though as Remus, looking like he has gone a few rounds with a troll, joins them at the table. _

"_Remus just came back from his grandmother's funeral," James jumps in immediately even if neither Lily nor Eva have inquired about his whereabouts. Honestly, Eva feels a little insulted, they feel the need to lie so blatantly into their faces when they haven't even asked anything. Lily doesn't take it sitting down. Not anymore. She is sick of all the pretence. _

"_Oh, really? Your grandmother died?" Lily asks with such sickly-sweet voice that it puts them on alert immediately. "My sincerest condolences, Remus." Lily's voice has never been less sincere. "For the fifth death of your grandmother. Or was it sixth? It's so hard to keep count, isn't it?" Remus looks as pale as a sheet and Eva feels sorry for him. "I do hope she stays dead this time." With this Lily slams her book shut and storms off. Four pairs of astonished eyes turn to Eva and she knows it's up to her to make it or break it. _

"_She might be a bit ticked off that you feel the need to lie to her face. And so freaking badly at that. And frankly so am I. Do you take us all for idiots or something? The least you could do, is make up some believable excuses. And not lie when we didn't even ask you where Remus was. If you would think back, you might remember we have not asked you where Remus was since first year. Not to mention, if we, the two of us, haven't been making believable excuses behind your backs for the last five years, everybody and their uncle would have already figured out your growly little secret, Lupin." _

_Poor Remus looks like he is waiting for his execution and Sirius seems about ready to jump down her throat and demand her silence. Instead of waiting for Remus to pass out or Sirius to oblivate her, she gets on her feet, closes the distance to Remus, grabs him by his tie and snogs him in full view of the whole common room. _

"_If I wasn't clear; Lupin, I'm not afraid of you. And neither is Lily. Although I wouldn't hold my breath for a snog from her."_

# # #

_They are like light and darkness, so very different, James Potter and Sirius Black, but still apart they are only boys, together they are a force to be reckoned. They belong together. They are parts of a whole. And she cannot stand it anymore. Cannot stand to look at them to be apart from each other. _

"_Leave them alone. What do you care?" Lily wonders, even if she herself feels like something monumental has changed in the universe. _

"_Why are you telling me this, Marlowe? Why do you want me to forgive him? What do you care?" James never looks at her the same after that night. _

_Even at fifteen, Eva Marlowe knows, James might survive it, Sirius never can. And despite everything she loves that boy._

# # #

_Eva thinks she might be sick. How? How could this happen? Gid and Fabian… So much life in both of them… "He- He was my first kiss. I- I can't-" _

"_They will pay. I promise they will pay. We will fight back," he tells her, his eyes burning feverishly. "Here, Ogden's finest. Drink." And she does. _

_He fucks her against the sink that night. Until she can finally function like a person again. Or something. _

_Their seventh year is coming to an end. Next week they will all be members of the Order of the Phoenix._

# # #

"_I will never join them!" Sirius spits in contempt, his eyes burning. "I'll fight. I'll fight against Voldemort and Death Eaters until the end. Until they are dead or I am. I am nothing like my family no matter what they say." _

"_I know, Sirius. You don't have to prove it to anyone." Eva is scared to see how far he might go. She is terrified. _

# # #

"Eva? It's me. It's Tonks. What do you need?" _What does she need? To die? To be knocked out? To not feel anything? Lily? She wants Lily. So badly._ Any other day she might feel guilty for wanting Lily instead of Tonks. But not this day. Her hands claw on thin air trying to hold onto something steady and when her fingers grip onto a pair of forearms she holds onto them like they are her lifeline. "What do you need me to do?"

"I haven't- I haven't felt… anything- anything for years… not since… fourteen years…," she wheezes out between sobs, hardly realizing what she's saying.

Tonks and Molly look at each other with their own tears in their eyes. The women have been left to their own devices as soon as the men figured they couldn't really handle to look at her tears, claiming it was decent not to crowd her too much.

"Evie…" Her knees buckle and as they hit the hard stone floor, Tonks goes down with her friend. Eva never lets go of her forearms, even when her whole body is one big shaking mess, she doesn't let go. She needs something to ground her as she rocks back and forth crying so hard, she can hardly catch any air. Her cries are coming from somewhere deep within her soul and she doesn't know if she will ever be able to stop.

Nymphadora Tonks, who has not so long ago, felt jealous of the woman, wishes desperately for Lily Potter's presence. Because Lily, she would know what to do. She would know the right words to say. She would know how to comfort her friend. Tonks has never met the woman but from the way people talk about Lily Potter, she kind of wishes she came to comfort her too.

Tonks has no idea how to help Eva. All she can do, is sit there on the cold hard floor, offering her hands to hold on to.

# # #

_Lily's smile is loving as she puts her baby in Eva's arms for the first time. "Don't go around dropping my son the way you drop everything else, Clumsy." _

_Eva doesn't hear her. She is too busy loving that baby._

# # #

_A lit cigarette hangs from Sirius' mouth as he tinkers with his motorcycle in scorching heat of mid-July while Eva stands above him drinking cold beer from the bottle, trying to lure him to the shade, her blouse half unbuttoned. A heart-stopping smile crosses his face, distracting her as he steals a bottle from her hands, drinks her beer and then throws her over his shoulder fireman style. Eva shrieks with laughter._

# # #

_A night of drinking and debauchery leads James Potter and Sirius Black crashing right into the bed, where she had been peacefully sleeping. Eva, annoyed, yanks her pillow from James' grabby hands but softens when he pouts in his sleep. He is in for a hell of a day when Lily shows up and Eva tenderly removes his glasses from his face._

# # #

The memories keep assaulting her with no mercy. The bad ones she might be able to take. But the good ones, the loving ones, those are the worst.

# # #

_A cake sits on the kitchen table, baiting her with its perfectly frosted number one. Eva stands by the table, her tears falling onto the tabletop. _

"_Are you crying?" Sirius is looking at her confused. She rarely cries._

"_No," she denies it, her voice clearly thick with tears._

"_Eva? What__'s wrong? Is the cake not the way you wanted it? I'm sure it will be good anyway," he says carefully. This is not his first cake-crisis._

"_It's perfect. The cake is perfect," she sobs and when he sees beautifully frosted number one, it hits him too._

"_But Harry will never see it." The Potters are in hiding._

"_It's stupid. He wouldn't remember it anyway but-" Sirius draws her into his strong arms. He gets it. _

# # #

"_You're angry with me," Sirius remarks. He is laying on the sofa and Eva is sitting at his side, cleaning his wounds in silence, avoiding his eyes. _

"_I'm not angry." _

"_You sure seem angry to me." She stays quiet. He sits up suddenly, gripping her wrist. "What do you want me to do? Not fight? Not help when somebody is in danger?" he asks heatedly. She finally looks up, her eyes full of unshed tears. _

"_I'm not angry, Sirius. Terrified. I'm terrified. Because I was there too, remember? I saw what happened. And you had other options. You didn't have to throw yourself in front of that spell. But you were reckless. Like always. Sometimes I think you have a death wish. So, no, I'm not angry. Just scared shitless."_

# # #

_Eva stands at the open window, enjoying the light spring breeze when the baby sitting at her hip claps excitedly at the sight of the approaching motorcycle. Eva laughs at Harry's excitement. Sirius flashes his pearly whites their way as he disembarks his bike and flicks his hair away from his face. _

"_You do know there are no schoolgirls around here? And I won't fall for that trick," she yells teasingly. _

"_That's what you think. They all fall for it." _

"_Harry certainly won't fall for it. All he cares about is if you brought him some food?" _

"_More food? He already ate all the breadcrumbs we didn't clean up in the flat." _

"_We might not want to mention this to Lily and James if we ever want to babysit again." _

_Sirius laughs at this and then disappears around the corner. Eva looks at Harry only to find him already studying her face. _

"_You see right through me, don't you? You won't but I have already fallen for it. Long gone. What can I say, I always had a soft spot for damaged boys with pretty smiles."_

# # #

And what has become of that smile? What has become of that dimple in his right cheek? What did she do? How could she? How could she forget about that smile? How could she think that boy betrayed his best friend? How could she think that boy betrayed her? How? How could she?

And that's all she keeps repeating amongst her heart-breaking vails. _How could I? How could I? How could I?_

If Eva Marlowe had any awareness of a strange assortment of men that had been left in the basement kitchen, listening to her heartbreaking wails, she would laugh. All the Weasley men have left, leaving only Sirius, Remus and to both of their astonishment, Severus Snape at the same table. Sirius mostly stares into his glass like it has all the answers, Remus sits opposite his friend, glowering at him and Severus sits as far away from them as possible, choosing to stare at the wall, completely ignoring the other two.

"What did you do to her?" Remus barks, mostly because he needs to get his mind off the image of her doubled over in agony and while the only thing filling the silence are her cries, he has no chance of doing that. Sirius looks at him surprised.

"Me? I didn't do anything."

"Don't give me that crap!"

"I didn't! You saw, I wasn't even talking to her."

"What did you do?" Remus yells.

"Nothing she didn't want," Sirius finally snaps and there is nothing further he needs to say. Remus grits his teeth.

"You just couldn't keep it in your pants, could you?"

"_She_ came to me."

"Of course, she did."

"Besides _that_ has nothing to do with _this_." Sirius points towards the thick ceiling that cannot drown out her cries. Remus snorts in disbelief.

"Keep telling this to yourself." Sirius glares at him but says nothing.

It's nearly two hours of constant cries, when Molly enters the kitchen, surprised to see the strange trio. She had thought they had disappeared as soon as humanly possible.

"Molly, how is she?" asks Remus, walking towards her. Molly shakes her head sadly. She looks like she has aged ten years in the last hour.

"Not well, poor girl. I only came for a glass of water. She is completely dehydrated."

"I can give her something," Snape suggests, speaking for the first time since dinner ended so spectacularly. "To calm her."

Molly shakes her head pensively.

"I don't think that's a good idea. At least not yet."

Snape raises an eyebrow inquiringly and even Remus frowns at this.

"Why not? I think it would help her, Molly."

Molly seems to hesitate, giving Sirius a strange sad look.

"It's just… She said she hadn't felt anything in fourteen years." The words ring in all of their ears in the silence that follows. "And I think we should let her feel instead of drugging her because it's hard to listen to her cries."

"You're right, Molly," Remus agrees with a lump in his throat. "Has she- Has she said anything else?"

"Called for Lily." All three men flinch at this. "Otherwise… _How could I? How could I?_ That's what she keeps muttering. _How could I?_ Over and over again."

Molly leaves, not seeing Remus' suddenly pale face. He sits back down, putting his head in his hands.

"Moony? What is it?"

"Why do you keep punishing her, Sirius?" he asks desperately. "Do you even know? You used to love that girl. Do not deny it. I know you did. And they say you always hurt the ones you love but when will enough be enough?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You have forgiven me, haven't you? Or was that a lie?"

"Forgiven you what?"

"Thinking you were a traitor."

"That very second I saw you at the Shrieking Shack," Sirius declares passionately.

"And her? Why can't you do the same to her?"

"I- I'm not blaming her for that."

"Really? Have you told her that? Because if you did, maybe it wouldn't all come out like this." He waves his hand in direction of her unceasing cries. "She would still blame herself yes, but maybe a little part of her would have been soothed."

"Are you saying all this is about…"

"_How could I?_ I ask myself this every day."

"Moony, you can't still blame yourself for that. You couldn't have known. You thought I was their Secret Keeper and they were betrayed. It was the only possible explanation, that I betrayed them."

"And I tell myself this every morning so I can get out of bed."

"Moony…"

"So, I ask again, when will enough be enough? When will she pay her dues in your eyes?" Sirius looks away.

"I don't know. _I don't_. Maybe never."

Remus nods resignedly like that's exactly the answer he expected and then leaves after Molly, leaving Sirius and Snape alone in the kitchen.

Sirius rubs his forehead with his palm. Merlin, he wishes she stopped, his head is about to explode. He is almost surprised when he catches Snape's eye. He has all but forgotten about the other man's presence.

"What are you still doing here, Snape?" Snape raises an eyebrow at him.

"What are _you_ still doing here?"

"I live here, remember?"

"You could have moved to the upper floors and used a silencing charm if you wanted to." They both know it's true. "So, what is it, that keeps you here, Black?"

What is it, that keeps him there? _Hell, if he knows._ The fact is that he has never been indifferent to her. He has hated her and loved her and resented her and wanted for her and despised her and admired her. But he couldn't not care. She was part of him. Part of his past.

And what keeps Severus Snape there? _Lily, of course. Always Lily._

* * *

Remus sits on the bottom stairs watching the women congregated in the middle of the entry hall. Mrs. Black's portrait thankfully remains silent. He doesn't remember Eva Marlowe ever looking so small before. She is a tall woman and her inability to keep her mouth shut has always made her seem even bigger. Right now she looks pitiful, curled deep within herself, clinging to Tonks' arms, her body shaking with weeps, crying herself literally sick. He is not sure how much more of this her body can take. He hopes with all his might, she passes out soon or they will be forced to drug her anyway.

Tonks, no trace of the carefree girl in sight, looks like she is in pain herself. And she must be, sitting there on the floor for hours. She shows no signs of letting go though. Molly, knitting like a woman possessed, sits close still but on a hard-backed chair, watching over them, sniffling occasionally and looking exhausted.

"Molly, you're tired. You don't have to stay. There's plenty of us here. We'll watch over her," Remus offers. Molly gives him a pensive look but doesn't stop her knitting.

"My daughter, she's like that, too. Holding everything close to her heart. She hasn't cried over what happened in her first year. Not once. Just put on a brave face and moved on. I hope when she does, a kind soul holds her hand and sits with her."

Remus doesn't offer again.

It's a while before Eva's wails first become infrequent and then finally die out and her grip on Tonks slackens.

"I have known her since she was eleven. I've never seen her like this."

"I have," Sirius volunteers. Remus hasn't even noticed he has joined them. "Once. After Marley."

"McKinnon?"

"Yeah. She was with her when Marlene found her family dead. Slaughtered. Her parents. Her brothers. Her little sister."

"Merlin."

"McKinnon went after Voldemort herself. Mad with grief." Sirius laughs mirthlessly. He hasn't failed to notice parallels to his own life. Only he went to prison and Marley got killed. "Marlowe went with her. For back-up or trying to stop her. I don't know. Voldemort killed her himself." Marlene died in Eva's arms. "We were confined to a safe house then for the night. Lily and James and me and Eva." There was no alcohol and no chance to have her brains fucked into mush. "And she lost it completely."

It was Lily then, who held her and comforted her. Lily, who let Sirius off the hook. Lily, to whom Eva gladly gravitated in her time of distress. And Sirius was glad that he could sit on the couch with James, exchanging uncomfortable looks at the sight of a girl's tears.

_What was it that she said? I wasn't allowed to grieve. I wasn't allowed to cry._

And as they all stand and sit around the hall, feeling drained but relieved that she has finally fallen asleep and waiting for something to happen, Sirius realizes it is up to him. There's no Lily now. No Lily, only him. And at the end of it all, she is his. She is his to take care. It doesn't really matter everything that happened. It doesn't matter how much they sometimes hate each other. It doesn't matter what she had done. Or what he had done. _She is his._ Not even in a sense, a lover would be his. Or a girlfriend. Or a friend. Or family. She just is his.

He pushes off the wall and crouches at her backside. Tonks gives him a look but is too tired to feel any surprise. He reaches for Eva's shoulder, turning her towards him. Her face, swollen and clammy from tears and sweat, slumps to one side and he pushes her wet matted hair away from her cheek. She was always an ugly crier. Not that he has seen her cry much.

Even in her unconsciousness, her breath still hitches in short shallow gasps like she is still crying inside. Like her body has given out but her soul can't stop. Sirius sighs heavily, carefully maneuvering one of his hands under the middle of her back and looping his other hand beneath her knees. Even with Tonks giving her back a boost it's not an easy feat getting on his feet with a grown woman in his arms.

Severus Snape, who has come to investigate, feels a grudging respect for his archenemy. He admits, at least to himself, that his hands were about to fall off on that first night, when Eva came back to the Order and he was the unfortunate fellow forced to catch her in his arms after he dosed her with Calming Drought. Eva Marlowe is not a small woman. Nor particularly thin. Despite what Molly might claim, she has a decently sized arse and a pair of rounded thighs. Lily was always petite, and Severus remembers the pair of them from Hogwarts. They were a strange sight. Eva was always at least a head taller and sometimes looked like a giant besides the redhead. As a grown-up she is still taller than any woman Snape knows. Black, though, who even after six months of regular meals, looks like a child might break him in two, manages to haul her in his thin arms and even if her head and one of her hands is dropping like she's a rag doll, Snape considers it a remarkable feat.

"What are you doing, Sirius?" Remus asks tonelessly for he too is exhausted.

"I'll take her upstairs. She'll sleep through the night."

"_You_ will?" Sirius gives his friend a look that seems to convey his answer but doesn't stop his trek upstairs.

_She is his. _

**Author****'s note:** It has been a while since my last update… I was mostly busy going on holidays and partying every weekend so I really had no time to write… Besides, I wanted this chapter to be special not just thrown together… I'm not really sure I succeeded… I could always do better… Anyways, there are parts in this chapter I have wanted to write since the beginning of the story and I am quite attached to them… hope you liked them…


	15. The Aftermath

**The aftermath**

The dimmed light of the cold and wet January morning filters through the partially drawn curtains colouring the room a dull grey. And that's all Eva can tell from the limited view her position allows. She lies very still, wrapped in blankets, facing a ceiling and a blank wall, blinking away the dryness of her eyes. She moves her head to one side and stares incomprehensively at a half-naked blonde, kneeling in the shallow azure waters, smirking at her seductively. She frowns but soon loses interest as her head aches dully, the way it does when you cry yourself to sleep. A short sigh escapes her chest as she remembers why her head throbs and her mouth is parched. She almost wants to go back to sleep never to get up again. Despite this, she turns her head to the other side to examine the room she is in. The broken mirror and a familiar armchair at the side of the bed give it away as Sirius' bedroom.

_How did she get here?_ The last thing she vaguely remembers are the stone floors somewhere at the bottom of the house. Where she had broken down completely because of a flick of hair. _Only it wasn't because of a flick of hair. Or a bark of laughter. _She swallows a lump in her throat and wets her dry lips. She still hasn't made an attempt at moving and even when the doorknob turns and the door opens slowly, she only continues to stare. She is not really surprised when it's him.

Sirius stops when he sees she is awake. He approaches tentatively, his eyes searching, like he thinks one wrong move might set her off. _Who knows, it just might._

"Tea?" He motions towards the cup, she hasn't noticed, that he holds in his hand. She bits her lip and nods slightly. Only when she disentangles herself from the blankets and pulls herself up, putting her weight on her wrists, she realizes her every muscle hurts from continuous spasms that had ran through her body the previous night. She leans on the headboard and goes to push her hair out of her eyes only to find it matted to her face, which feels tight and swollen.

He sits down on the armrest of the armchair and she accepts the cup gratefully and, in order to avoid looking him in the eye, makes a too big sip of boiling tea. She gasps but swallows stubbornly, still looking into the cup. It's not only that she's embarrassed (because she is, _oh she is_) but she is not sure she can trust herself not to go into another nervous breakdown.

"How-" Her voice comes out hoarse and even when she clears her throat, she still struggles to use her vocal cords. "How did I get here?" Her eyes flicker upwards to see him fidget uncomfortably.

"I brought you here." This time her head snaps up in surprise although it is the only logical explanation as she is in fact in his bedroom.

"You did? Why?"

"It seemed fitting."

"Oh." _Fitting_? She is not sure she understands what that means but doesn't ask. She searches his face for some answers, but his expression remains blank. _What was it that she found so familiar yesterday?_

Sirius clears his throat awkwardly, looking away from her.

"How are you feeling?"

She raises her eyebrows in surprise at the strange question. Like she has just woken up after a serious sickness or a near fatal injury. _And how does she feel? Like she has been sucked into a vacuum and trapped into an impermeable bubble. _

"Fine." _What other answer can she possibly give?_

Sirius grimaces, sucking his cheek in and Eva's heart gives a painful thud. She stops breathing. There it is, that familiar half annoyed, half self-deprecating expression of his youth on a prematurely aged sunken face._ Merlin, how she missed seeing his face. _To her horror she can feel the treacherous pressure behind her eyelids build up. _God, not again. _She looks up, towards the ceiling, blinking rapidly, trying to prevent her tears to form.

Sirius obviously notices her struggle as he clears his throat uncomfortably, fidgeting in his seat. And Eva realizes; he has no idea how to deal with her. He was always uncomfortable with feelings, always warry of her tears but he still knew how to deal with them. He was never one to give her empty reassurances (and she never wanted them) but he knew just what to do or say to distract her, to acknowledge her worries or just insert a sarcastic quip to make her stop feeling sorry for herself. But he has forgotten. Or didn't care to. They _are_ strangers. The tears she has managed to blink away for a few moments, glisten in her eyes with renewed persistence.

"Do you want me to call Tonks? Or Molly?" His question only serves to confirm her sad musings. There is no stopping the tears that wetten her cheeks. She has no power over them and forcefully wiping her face with the back of her hand seems to be useless. _At least she is not sobbing. Thank Merlin for small miracles. _

"No. Don't call anyone," she manages to say raspingly.

"Are you sure? They wouldn't mind. Molly has already dropped off a bowl of soup for you and Tonks has checked-up on you through a firecall first thing in the morning."

"I'm not sick!" She somehow manages to sound indignant. And very ungrateful. The sudden guilt does nothing to stop her downpour. "I'm sorry, just don't call anyone. They have already done enough for me." She avoids looking at him as she continues to wipe her face with no results whatsoever. A teacup is removed from her shaking hand.

"They really wouldn't mind…" He trails off as she keeps shaking her head. _He doesn't want to deal with her by himself. He can just leave if he wants to. It would be for the best. It is as if a stranger sat by her bed anyway. Only worse. Because he isn't a stranger. _

_Merlin, why is this happening?_ She thought she has cried herself out last night. Although, those aren't the same tears of raw pain she has cried into Tonks' lap. This is self-pity. She is feeling sorry for herself. She hasn't allowed herself to feel sorry for herself in years. She knew it would have burned her alive.

"God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she says through her tears, gritting her teeth to stop the flood forcefully. She can't stop. And Sirius shouldn't have to look at this. "Just go. Go!" There is no way she will be able to stop with him sitting there and looking at her with a mix of awkwardness and pity. For she hadn't missed pity in his eyes. Something changed last night while she was crying her heart out on the floor of his childhood home, and though she should be grateful, that he isn't snarling into her face, it only agitates her. _What, so that's what it takes for him to finally figure it out, that she is hurting? He needs to see her broken?_

"Eva, come on. I'm not going to leave." _To call her by her name in that moment when he uses her last name almost exclusively. To dangle in front of her face a whiff of what they used to have only to snatch it away when he remembers he hates her. And why shouldn't he hate her? _Her feelings are a jumbled unique mix of guilt, self-pity, nostalgia, anger and sorrow feels like a whirlwind. She just can't stop to decide on one or another. _How can one person feel all that? How can one person survive this? _The tears continue to drop off her chin as she doesn't manage to catch them fast enough.

"You should. I'm sorry, I just can't stop. I can't stop," she says through the palm that is frustratingly wiping at her nose. "_Merlin, just do something_."

And then it's like something clicks. Like the pieces fall into the right place, spurred on by something in her words or something in her desolate but frustrated tone of voice or even by the familiar impatient way she tries to make her tears disappear.

"What do you want me to do? Knock you over the head?"

"If necessary," she says nasally. Sirius rolls his eyes at her.

"You were always such a menace, Marlowe." He summons a box of tissues and pushes them at her. "Here, use these. Stop being disgusting and wiping your nose with your hand. You are ruining my bedclothes."

She glares at him through the blur but does in fact use the tissues. _She is ruining his bedclothes? _The last time she was here, there was nothing left to ruin_. (Merlin, the last time.)_ The bedclothes do smell fresh, she gives him that.

At least, it seems his sarcastic remark has finally slowed down her tears.

He gets up and leans on the window, watching the dreary street below. She wipes off the last of her tears the best she can and then looks up at him from beneath her wet eyelashes to find him studying her.

"You can go now. I'm fine," she tells him again. If she is honest with herself, she wants him to leave because it hurts to look at him, knowing he hates her. She finally admits it, at least to herself, she has missed him so much it hurts. _No._ _She misses him. _

"This is my bedroom."

"Well, you brought me here," she snaps back. She should have just apologized and left._ Why can't she ever just back down when it comes to him?_ At least she has stopped crying. Their forceful exchange of words, mild in comparison, stirs something familiar inside her._ God, how they used to bicker._

"Would you rather I have left you laying on the floor?"

"I would have deserved it, no?" She turns her head away from him and silence ensues. They were always bad with silences.

"Eva." His voice is uncharacteristically gentle and hesitant. She doesn't want his pity. She doesn't want him to start treating her differently just because she feels sorry for herself. She wants his understanding. She wants him to know. _Know what? Just know._

"I'm sorry. I don't want to be ungrateful. Thank you for bringing me here," she says regally.

"Don't give me that crap, Marlowe," he barks at her, turning away from the window fully. "Look at me!" When she is too slow to comply, he grips her chin and turns her head, so she stares directly into his stormy eyes. "I know you. It has been fifteen years, but I still know you. So, don't give me your complacent apologies."

"Do you? Still know me?" _Do you know? Just know? Do you know we share the same sorrow? Do you know we still live in the same happy memories? Do you know we long for the same moments? Do you know we share that same unmanageable pain? Do you remember? Do you know?_

They stare into each other's eyes as she tries to convey all that without words.

"Eva." His hand slips from her chin to cup her jaw caressingly for a moment. The earnest expression on his face is not one she has seen often (he always liked to wear his mask of happy-go-lucky guy) but she was still privy to it enough times to recognize it. She closes her eyes. "It is still you."

"Is it?" She is not sure. "After everything? After all I have done? After believing…" She cannot even say it. _How could she? _

"You didn't know. Nobody knew, Eva. Nobody knew about the switch. Nobody was supposed to know. That was the point. You couldn't know."

"Yes. But _I_ didn't know. _Me_."

"I don't blame you. I forgive you. I have forgiven you a long time ago." She gives him a searching look, full of self-hate.

"You did. But I never can." It is a burden she can never unload. She deserves to carry it.

"Your best friend just died." Her breath hitches at his words. "Your best friend. Your best friend that wasn't just a friend but so much more. I know perfectly well what Lily meant to you." She has to look away as she blinks off another round of tears. "You believed what was presented to you to be the undeniable truth. They told you how it was, they presented the evidence. Why would you doubt it? If it were me-" He laughs mirthlessly. "Hell, it was me. My best friend, my brother died, and I rushed after his killer with no thought of anyone but my own pain. You were right, James wouldn't care about revenge. He only wanted his son safe."

With a pang she remembers yelling those exact words into his face a few months ago. She grimaces. _God, when will she stop hurting him?_

"James would go for revenge, too. If it were you. If the roles were reversed." Sirius shakes his head.

"Maybe. After making sure my son was safe and taken care for. He would keep his promises. He wouldn't throw his life away." She spares him empty reassurances as she too knows he has a point. She has after all realized at the tender age of sixteen, that James could survive without Sirius and Sirius never could without James. Padfoot without Prongs was just an empty shell of himself. And then, in her own pain, she had forgotten. _Forgotten that Sirius couldn't live without James. Like she had forgotten so many things._

_And now? Is he living now?_

"I too know what James meant to you. I always knew. And I still believed you betrayed him." Sirius flinches at her words. "I still…"

_God, why do they have to drag everything up?_ She has hard enough a time keeping herself together when they ignore their past altogether.

"You were in shock. Your life has been turned upside down in a span of one night. Just cut yourself some slack-"

"Yeah? Like you did?" He snaps his mouth shut at her question. "You made it perfectly clear you hate me in the last few months."

_Just shut up, Marlowe! Don't go down that road._ But it's too late.

She throws off the blankets she has been cocooned in and gets on her feet. She can't be sitting in his bed while he looms over her. Not for this conversation. She doesn't even notice when her bare feet hit the could ground. Nor does she register she has no pants on.

"I don't hate you."

"Really? Could have fooled me." Sirius drags a hand through his hair frustratingly.

"I know I had been giving you a hard time, but I just don't know how else do deal with you. With your presence."

"Why are you telling me this? Why the sudden change of heart after yesterday? Have I finally suffered enough for your taste? Have you decided I am broken enough?"

"I never wanted to see you broken!"

"Liar! That's exactly what you wanted. You wanted me as broken as you are. Even if in your righteous anger, you think that that can never happen. That I could never have suffered as much as you and that you can push me as far and as hard as you like. But you needn't have bothered, Sirius." She laughs hysterically. "I've _been _broken for fifteen years."

"I know," he says quietly. _Do you know?_ It does nothing to soothe her. She just continues as if she hadn't heard him.

She wonders if it really matters. And why does she have to push so hard. But somehow it does. And she does.

"Or do you think I'll just off myself? Is that it?"

"I know you would never do-"

"What do you know?" she asks derisively, not waiting for an answer. "You don't want me on your conscience, so you decided you'll-"

"Do his feet still dangle in front of you when you encounter a Boggart?" he asks matter-of-factly, and she stops mid-word. Her chest raises rapidly with her breaths and she can hear her own pulse in her ears. "And that's how I know you would never _off _yourself, as you say."

_Of course, he knows that._ She has totally forgotten that he is the only person who has seen her Boggart. She told Harry, and Lily, of course, many years ago. But to this day, Sirius Black is the only person to have actually seen it.

She turns away from him, hugging herself. _She is so cold._

"I think… I haven't seen a Boggart in a while. But I think, if I'd see one now, it wouldn't be Jonathan's feet. It would be Harry's feet. It would be his feet in those green socks with tiny snitches fluttering on them, that I bought him for Christmas."

_There, she has said it._ It has been in the back of her mind for a while. Chipping away at her conscious and especially unconscious mind. _Jonathan's impish smile in her dreams_. Like a foreboding sign. Even if Eva doesn't believe in such things, she cannot force herself to dismiss it.

There is sort of hopelessness on her face as she meets Sirius' wide eyes.

"You don't really think…?"

"I don't know!" She throws her arms up in frustration. "He is the kindest, most compassionate kid I ever met. His strength and belief in people after all he has been through are remarkable. But sometimes… I can see how much pressure he is under. And how sad he is sometimes. I just… Maybe it's just on the forefront on my mind because I have always lived with it. I don't know."

She looks at him like he has all the answers but all he does is sit at the foot of his bed, dragging both of his hands through his hair.

"I don't know what to do with this," Sirius admits, and Eva can relate. "What would Lily and James do?" Eva shrugs.

"Kill Voldemort?" Sirius lets out a surprised laugh.

"Yes, why hadn't I thought of that?" he asks sarcastically. Then he leans forward on his fists, his elbows resting on his knees.

Eva sighs and sits beside him on the bed. Her palms rest on her ice-cold thighs and only then does she realize her lack of pants. She looks down to see, that the only thing she is wearing is a male t-shirt (probably Sirius') that due to her height doesn't even properly cover her own (luckily) knickers. She tries to pull down the t-shirt (not because she's shy, he has after all seen all there is to see but because she is freaking cold) but to no avail.

"I shouldn't have said anything. I'm probably just paranoid." But there is no one else she could have said it to.

"Of course you should say something. We should talk to Harry the next time we see him. Maybe you should tell him… About Jonathan," he suggests carefully.

"I already did."

"You did?" There is undisguised astonishment in his voice. Not because she had talked with Harry about Jonathan's suicide but because she had talked about this with anybody.

"It wasn't so hard." Eva smiles bitterly. "I have so many traumas in my life this one doesn't even come in top five." She has felt the urge to tell Harry then. She felt like Jonathan himself was urging her to do it.

Sirius gives her a doubtful look.

"How did he react?"

"Like you would expect. With horror. And compassion. And worry for me." She laughs. "Like you would expect from Lily's son." Sirius smiles to himself at that.

"Then we should also trust him to act as Lily's son." She nods.

"Maybe you're right. But I still worry. All the time."

"Probably those maternal instincts, that Remus talked about, acting out." _What had she said about maternal instincts? The constant terrified worry?_

"I wish Lily was here," she sighs, and Sirius looks at her like he has just remembered something.

"What happened yesterday;" Sirius was obviously not willing to give name to her nervous breakdown. "Was that about the other night?" He was also not about to say, _when we fucked in a drunken haze._

"No," she denies immediately. Then thinks about it. "Maybe. Not really." _How is she supposed to explain this to him? That she has chosen to forget about him. And did it so well, that when he came back to her life, he was a stranger to her. _"I haven't allowed myself to think _(oh she thought, but not felt) _much about the past. And then I suddenly realized it is you. It is you, that hates me. It is not some stranger. It is you, that I have betrayed. It is you that looks at me with disgust. And after everything we have been through all we still know what to do, is hurt each other."

He is quiet for some time and she doesn't dare to look at him to gauge his reaction. She stares at her naked thighs.

"I don't hate you. I had just been so… So angry. And so… Seeing your face again… There was no one else…" _No one else to be angry at._ He looks away.

She realizes suddenly that he really doesn't blame her for thinking him a traitor. No, it's way worse than that. That thing he can't seem to articulate; it's something she can never pay her dues for. _Seeing her face again… But not his._ _Never seeing his face again._

"Wil you ever forgive me?"

"I already told you-"

"That I'm not him. That I'm not James."

"What are you talking about?"

"I wish it were me, too."

"You wish it were you, what?" he asks with trepidation. Something in his voice tells her he already knows her answer.

"I wish it were me that died instead of James."

"Eva-"

"Don't deny it. I know you too, remember? I know how the two of you were. I was there the whole time. He was your other half. He was your balance. He was your best friend. He was your brother. He was your love. He was your everything. Other people in your life? We were just passing by."

It is one thing she has never resented him. James was after all the one who probably saved his life when he befriended him.

"Please-" _Does he want to deny it? Or does he just beg her to stop dragging up memories?_ He gets up suddenly and turns away from her.

"I wish I could give him back to you. I would trade my life for his in a heartbeat," she rushes to tell him, without hesitation.

"And I would trade mine! I don't wish you were dead instead of James! I wish _I_ were." _She_ is just an object he projects his anger onto.

Again, the deadly silence ensues, the only sounds are Sirius' ragged breathing.

"I think about it sometimes," she tells him, her voice almost serene. "I think about how much better it would be if we had died instead of them. Lily and James would live and Harry would have a proper loving family. And I could just stop fighting." It is the first time she admits out loud to her deep-rooted, self-destructively managed, under a self-assured façade hidden, depression. "But it is what it is." She shrugs. "I can't stop fighting now. There is Harry, who I had already failed. And I can't fail him again. He is almost an adult but he might still need me and until he does… I can't stop fighting."

He stares at her for a while and then he nods, more to himself then anything. That's what they have left, Lily and James' legacy and their son to protect. _But there is more isn't it?_

"You weren't just passing by," he declares suddenly.

"What?"

"You said before that everybody but James was just passing by. We had a special bond, me and Prongs, that's true." He swallows a lump in his throat. "But, so did we, Eva. Or all this wouldn't be so goddamned painful."

_Merlin, are they really doing this now? Are they having a heart-to-heart now as she sits on his bed in his bedroom in his t-shirt? While she still has tearstains on her cheeks and her body aches from the wrecking sobs that had been the result of her finally coming to face her painful past and connecting it to present?_

Eva shudders where she sits. She can't feel her toes.

"We don't have to talk about this." They were always so bad at talking. At least about important things.

"Obviously we do."

"Why? What is there to talk about? What does it even matter now?" she asks, looking up at him, desperately wishing he stopped.

"I don't know," he almost yells. "But it does. How can you think you never meant anything to me?"

"That's not what I said. Just that compared to James-"

"I always saw you in my future. I didn't think of the future often because it seemed all too soon to me. Like I still have all the time in the world, and I wasn't through with the _now_ as of yet. But whenever the thought came, unbidden and not fully formed, you were always there."

She looks away and she thinks she just shouldn't say anything. But then it just comes flying out of her mouth, almost without her input.

"I didn't want to live my life without you. And that's why I couldn't afford to trust you, you were right. But I also wouldn't be able to forgive you. Not if you had cheated on me. And then it would be all over for us. And I couldn't bare the thought of you not being in my life. So, I took the safe way. I just didn't give you a chance. Not a real chance anyway."

"Did I do something to make you think that I wouldn't be loyal to you?" She gives him a pointed look.

"For one, you never stopped seeing me whenever you had a girlfriend. Granted, they were rare and none of them were serious, but still." _It seems petty. It seems so petty now after all those years._

"It was _you_. None of them were important enough to break it off with you." He grimaces suddenly. "Alright, it might not have been the most gracious thing I ever did. And it might have set the precedent." He sounds more honest with himself, that he wants to be. Eva sighs heavily and gets up to join him, leaning on the other side of the window, crossing one foot over another to warm her toes up.

"It wasn't all your fault. I had my trust issues even without you. I would have found some excuse one way or another. At least that's what Lily said. And she was usually right."

"Lily was always so coldly polite with any girl I even looked at twice." Eva laughs shortly, rubbing her forearms.

"That was for my benefit. Though, I was never really bothered by any of them. I guess I always knew, they will be gone by next week. Or next month, by the latest."

"I guess it was part of your appeal."

"What was?"

"The fact that I couldn't hurt you. That no matter what I did, I knew at the end, you'll always be there." He took her for granted and she should be angry about it but somehow can't make herself resent him that.

"But you could. You could hurt me. With your dangerous secrets and secret missions. With your disregard for your own life."

"It was war," he interjects.

"No. No, Sirius. That's how you always were. Recklessly rushing into danger, risking your life. Like you didn't care what happens to you."

"I … Sometimes I didn't … Sometimes I was so angry …"

"I know. Maybe that was part of _your _appeal," she mockingly repeats his words. "You were as damaged as I was. I knew perfectly well what kind of environment you came from. It doesn't mean it didn't hurt…" _She was a sadomasochistic bitch even then. _"And then in those last weeks before- You always guarded your secrets almost jealously but then you excluded me completely. I had no idea what was going on. You barely even looked at me." Her voice breaks.

Back then she was angry and sad, feeling resentful for the first time, that even in those times, he and James have their own secrets. Later, she thought he avoided her so she wouldn't be suspicious about his activities with the Death Eaters. The truth is even more heart-breaking.

"I've seen you with Regulus and I… I assumed… I jumped to conclusions," he says self-disparagingly. "Merlin, why are we talking about this sober?" _Beats her._ "Maybe if I asked you about it, it would have turned out different. Maybe I would have told you about the switch. Maybe-"

"Don't! Don't do this. Don't play the game of _What ifs_! And you wouldn't have told me anyway," she says assuredly.

"Why do you say that?" She shrugs.

"You liked your secrets too much." She can't help the bitterness. He looks away, probably knowing how right she is.

"It all seems so childish now."

"Because it was. We were children then. Children, that had to grow up too fast. Children fighting a war. Children forced to pick sides. Children, using Killing curses on other children. But still children." Her lips tremble and she is not sure if from her emotions, so close to the surface or from the cold.

"And now the same is happening to the next generation."

Eva sits back down on the foot of the bed, hugging her knees.

"I wish we could spare them. But somehow, no matter how much Molly might insist on the contrary, I don't think this war can be fought without them. They already have that hardened expression on their faces. Harry especially. And Ginny, touched by such dark magic. The others, too."

Sirius nods to this.

"Do you think they will end up together?"

"Who?"

"Harry and Ginny? Potter men have always liked redheads," he says lightly. Eva rolls her eyes. Talk about bipolar disorder. He was always like that, making a mock out of a serious conversation. She decides to humour him. She could never resist it and at times it seems they are right back to their patterns.

"Why? Because she's a redhead?"

"No. Because she seems like a great girl. Brave, spirited, smart, easy on the eyes." He smirks and Eva shakes her head exasperatedly.

"Ginny _is_ a great girl."

"But?"

"But nothing."

"Come on. There's a _but_."

"Buuuut, I think in some ways Harry resembles you much more then his father," she says cryptically.

"What's that supposed to mean?" There is a mix of pride and apprehension in his voice.

"The expression _bros before hoes_ mean anything to you?" She raises her eyebrows at him provocatively.

"Oh, come on. Not this again." She laughs lightly but then gets serious again.

"No, listen. I don't mean it in a bad way. Your friends were always the most important thing in your life. And I respected that. I knew how it is to have friends like that. And Harry is the same way, his friends are the most important thing for him. I guess that's what happens when your family provides no support. Your friends become your family. We both know this better then anyone. But Ginny, she is not a girl that will stand on the sidelines."

"You don't think she will understand?"

"Oh, I think she understands perfectly. She understands that she will never be the most important person in Harry's life. She understands, that no matter how much she tries or what they go through together, she will never be a part of their group. But she will want to be someone's most important person in the world. And she deserves it."

"And Harry?"

"And Harry might break the tradition of Potter men marrying redheads." _He's still got time. He has all the time in the world. Doesn't he? _Sirius chuckles at this and comes to sit beside her again.

"How did you come up with all that? I don't remember you being this… intuitive? Or involved."

"Maybe those maternal instincts are also good for something other than worrying."

"You still think, you'll be only a guest on some potential future party? What do your maternal instincts say about that?" he half teases her.

"You remember that?" He was full of pain potions when they talked about that.

"Kind of hard to forget. So?" He urges when she doesn't answer immediately. Eva thinks back to Harry's hopeful eyes when she offered him to live with her. She smiles.

"I think I might be allowed to pick-up discarded glasses after the said party. If I'm not too old by then. With back pain and knee problems." Sirius laughs loudly with his bark-like laugh and Eva drinks into the sound like a man in the desert. Now that she has gotten over the surprise, all she can think about, is how she wants more of it.

"You're still as weird as ever, Marlowe," he says with sort of wonder in his voice, his eyes searching her face. _Does he search for what has remained of Eva Marlowe of his past?_

_Not much. But… Are there still remnants of her buried under a world of pain and guilt? Does he, like she does sometimes, still find her mannerisms familiar, her eyes flaring with the same fire, when she cares enough, her lips pulling into that crinkly smile?_

A huge part of her wishes she could go back to not feeling anything. Only now does she realize how much easier it was to exist. To function. To look at him. Another part of her finally breathes.

And no matter how much easier it was not to look at him, she now can't stop looking. Can't stop looking at the way his black hair, not a trace of grey, curls at his neck. Can't stop looking at the dimple in his cheek that appears when he smiles at her lopsidedly. Can't stop looking into his grey eyes, hunted and full of shadows but intense as ever. She hasn't put on her rose-coloured glasses (not that she ever possessed those), has not overlooked deep lines on his face or his sunken cheeks or his unhealthily pale complexion, but even those cannot camouflage his natural aristocratic good looks. Twelve years of Azkaban and he could still count on his handsomeness. She almost laughs at that.

They continue sitting, side by side, on the bed, looking at each other, Eva hugging her knees and Sirius leaning on his fists when they are interrupted by a knock on the door. Eva looks at the door apprehensively, when Sirius calls for whoever it is, to enter. Seeing Remus, she exhales in relief. He might hover too, but not as much as Molly. She is grateful for what the woman has done for her but right now she isn't ready for her pitying looks.

"Remus." He looks at them assessingly, when he sees them sitting on the bed in, what he surely interprets as amicable atmosphere, but does not comment on it.

"Eva." He averts his eyes from her bare legs respectfully. Eva doesn't really care; he has probably seen her in even less at some time. She was never shy, but Remus Lupin was always a bit of a prude. She can't see Sirius' face but she can _feel_ him smirking at his friend's uneasiness. "How are you feeling?" he asks carefully. Sirius snorts and Eva frowns at him.

_Again, with this question._ At least this time she has a valid answer.

"Cold." And she is. Despite sitting on it, her arse is frozen. Remus frowns at her.

"Maybe you would be less cold if you put some pants on," he suggests.

"I would if I knew where they are." She gets up and looks around the room but there is no sign of her cloths. She gives a questioning look to Sirius, who has leaned back on his elbows.

"I threw them away."

"Why?"

"They were dirty. You were sick." _She was? She can't even remember that._

"Well, you could have put them away to be laundered. Or do you just throw away all the dirty clothes," she grumbles.

"He doesn't," Remus interjects.

"Because Moony refuses to go out and buy me any more."

"I'm not about to buy you new clothes every week just because you are too lazy to do your laundry." Sirius rolls his eyes and Eva smiles at them bickering like an old married couple.

"It's my money."

"That's not the point."

"You can do it then if you're so inclined."

"I'm not doing your laundry." Remus sounds almost offended. They could go on forever.

"Guys, I still need some clothes. I'm freezing."

"Oh, of course." Remus glares at Sirius over her shoulder, whether because he has let her sit around in nothing but her knickers, freezing her arse off or because he is still miffed about Sirius' suggestion to do his laundry, she is not sure. "What can I bring you?"

"There's still a room full of your clothes downstairs," Sirius reminds her. "As far as I know, you still haven't moved out." She has completely forgotten about that. In fact, she was just imagining how she leaves the house in her knickers on full display. Or borrowed male clothes, making the ultimate walk of shame.

"Right. I forgot about that. I'll just go then, put some warm clothes on. Some pants." She says she is leaving but she hesitates where she stands.

_Will the bubble burst when she leaves his bedroom? Will they forget all about this conversation? What had they even talked about? Did they say anything concrete? Will he go back to looking at her with disgust that has been absent in the last hour? Will she be able to take it? She has gotten very comfortable with him, let her guard down, and if they go back to how they were before…_

Her eyes find Sirius' as he stares back at her.

"You don't have to put anything on, on my account." Remus groans and Eva smiles. In typical Sirius fashion, he has given her his answer.

As she passes Remus, he puts his hand on her shoulder.

"Eva." His worried face looks down at her shivering figure. They understand the guilt they will always carry, without saying anything.

"I'm…" She almost says fine. But he isn't going to believe that. "…better. Really. Maybe I needed that." He studies her for some time, then nods and lets his hand fall from her shoulder. _She misses him too. She misses her friends._ Loneliness is a bad companion.

"Here." He takes off his robe, offering it to her and Eva takes it, gratefully wrapping herself in the warmth of it. "Kreacher would have a heart attack if he saw you skipping around his mistress' house in only your knickers."

"You should give the robe back to Remus, Marlowe," Sirius suggests pettily.

"I think I already traumatized that elf enough for one lifetime," she laughs, gives one last look at two of her oldest friends and disappears behind the door.

In the hall, the quiet envelops her. Her bare feet rush down the stone floors and over a set of stairs soundlessly. She closes the door of her (temporary) room and leans on them breathlessly. She stares into the empty space for quite some time, her mind completely empty.

Something had changed. She knows it. Not just in the way Sirius acted towards her. Something changed within her. She has done what she had feared the most. She has put herself out there. She has made herself vulnerable. She can only hope it doesn't kill her.

Later, in the privacy of her apartment, dressed in a thick woollen sweater, after she had eaten Molly's soup with Sirius and Remus and then once again failed to pack up her (temporary) room, she reflects on how she has, without thought, offered up her life for James'. She would do it too. And she hasn't even thought about James himself or giving Harry his dad back. She would give up her life so Sirius could have his best friend back. She has doubted she is still capable of love. She was certain she couldn't when she was eleven. It was Lily then, that showed her she could still love. Fourteen years later it was Lily's son that reminded her. And now, she hasn't even given it much thought, hasn't thought about loving _him_. Why would she? All she has thought about was how much pain there is between them. Not love. But…

_She does love him. Despite everything or probably because of it. He was after all the only boy she has ever loved. If she wanted to admit it or not. _

Now _that_, will certainly be the death of her.

**Author**'** note:** Resolution is not my strong point but I guess all that drama needs some resolution… All in all, the chapter might feel a bit jumbled and I don't want to come over all pompous about how that's exactly what I was going for (because let's face it; rarely I can write even a single scene, much less the whole chapter, exactly the way I wanted) but I was going for this conversation to be a bit chaotic… And also such, that it leaves some things open… Afterall, not all things in life get resolved…


End file.
